Righty... I need a little wisdom from you lovely people I'll try to make my story short. So I realised I was a lesbian aged 11 but I'm from a Catholic, Caribbean background so as soon as I said the words out loud to myself I took it back, declared bisexuality and promised myself I'd do whatever I wanted as long as my first kiss was with a guy and lost my virginity to a guy. I buried it til I was 15 or so, until I naively came out as gay to my mum and brother. It got violent. I said I was joking and went back in again. After realising I wanted my first kiss, I focused my attention on guys from that point, developed a crush and stuff but all the time fantasising about being with girls. At 18, I left for uni and got super hard on myself. I told myself to cut it out. I cultivated a new personality for myself, developed a "type" and went boy crazy, drank loads and lost interest in my studies. Naturally by my second year, the walls crashed down and I got depressed and had loads of panic attacks when I remembered what I was like before. By 20 I was convinced I had HOCD or something (sounds stupid now). I ended up throwing myself at guys, even chasing after and confessing my feelings for one after I convinced myself I loved him. I graduated last summer and after talking to some friends and some deep reflection, realised the extent of my denial. I started seeing a counsellor to deal with the depression and anxiety and came out as gay to three people in November. Everything felt like it was coming together. Except something changed over the last few weeks and I felt like I was 15 and terrified. I shut down and now I'm looking at guys' dating profiles and checking out guys fitting 18 year old me's "type" again. I know it won't end well because the thought of being with a guy upsets me and I know it's a self destructive cycle probably motivated by fear, loneliness and a desire for intimacy but I don't know how to stop doing this! I'll be 22 in a few months and I just want to live. I can't if I keep messing myself around like this - I'm wasting my time. Does anybody have any experiences or advice to share as to how I can stop screwing with myself, feel confident and let go?
