Can’t make life decisions

Hi everyone

I really have trouble figuring out my true attractions, and no matter how much I search I can’t seem to find anyone in a similar situation - so I decided to put words on it, hoping that someone is able to shine a light on it and help me move on.

But first some background information: I’m male, 25 years old and have always felt a little different in terms of sexuality, as though I didn’t fit anywhere. Growing up, I got visually attracted to other boys very easily, but it always stopped at the visual attraction. I was never really interested in getting into a romantic or sexual relationship with a boy, although the sexual part is a bit more complex - more on that later. On the other hand, I have always easily gotten romantic feelings towards girls, but don’t think I ever got butterflies just looking at a girl, nor did I have any direct sexual fantasies about girls.

So these attractions still apply today - I feel visually attracted to (younger looking) guys and romantically attracted to girls, but my sexual fantasies seem to be somewhat disconnected. Ever since I entered puberty at around age 12, the only thing I have ever been able to masturbate to is a fetish centered around tight clothes (everything lycra, such as swim clothes, running clothes etc.) and / or nakedness. I either imagine myself wearing it or another younger guy, with the main turn-on being the fact that other guys seem to be able to wear it without getting turned on and erect. I can’t logically explain why that turns me on so badly, but the possibility of it just being a phase is certainly expired by now. I never really fantasize about physically touching another guy; it is primarily just the thought of myself or other guys wearing tight clothes in a non-sexual situation. Traditional gay (or straight) porn doesn’t do much for me, so I have exclusively masturbated to this fetish ever since I started masturbating at age 12. In essence, I am somewhat both visually and sexually attracted to guys, although the sexual attraction is (at least for now, without much experience) not in any traditional sense where sex or physical touch is in focus - it is simply just that fetish.

Because of my romantic attraction towards girls and lack of desire to have sex in the traditional sense, I didn’t really start questioning my sexuality until I was 22, where I got into my first serious relationship with a girl and also had sex for the first time. Despite how much I loved her, something always seemed to be off to me. I wouldn’t get anything out of sex unless I fantasized about my fetish, and every time we went out and my eyes glanced at a fresh-faced guy, I’d get immediately attracted and experience butterflies. Every time I’d get those attractions it would make me question the whole thing all over again and feel like crap basically. So my girlfriend and I decided to take a break so that I could figure out myself. I used dating apps, talked with a bunch of guys, even went on a few dates, but it never got further than that. Probably because I have no clue about what to do after the initial attraction, as my current sexual fantasies just don’t involve traditional sex - and since I have OCD, I feared taking the next step for various reasons. My girlfriend and I eventually got back together, but obviously that questioning phase didn’t leave me with many answers, and I still constantly get insecure to this day. I’m better able to put words on it now, but I still experience the same divided feelings between different aspects of my sexuality and it constantly affects both me and my girlfriend, which just isn’t fair. She is very supportive, but obviously I don’t want to drag this for much longer.

My main problem is not how to label myself - I figure that it would be kinda advanced anyway, and I’m not so interested in labels either. The biggest issue is life choices. I simply have no clue how to weigh the different aspects of my sexuality - I could prioritize my romantic feelings and stay with my girlfriend, or I could choose to enter another questioning phase and try to go all the way with a guy - arguably, there is a possibility that an actual experience can open up new perspectives for me and I might discover something new about my attractions and fantasies. On the contrary, my concern is also that if I go into a questioning phase again my OCD will take over and I’ll continue in the infinity to look for answers that simply might not exist. So in essence, it’s just really difficult for me to imagine which direction would make me happiest, although it for sure is difficult for me at this point to imagine a life where I don’t somehow get more clarified on this - I just don’t really know how to approach it. I feel that it’s the main thing that keeps me from being truly happy in life. Most other aspects of my life are fine - I have good friends, am currently finishing my master’s degree etc.

Sorry for the lengthy post… Anyone having any thoughts on this?

Thanks in advance!