For at least 6 months I have been obsessing over the question of my sexuality. I have been going through all these 4 options and I still can't tell who I like so I thought I should maybe ask for some advice from people who probably have gone through this before. There are many cases for each possibility, so here goes: Straight: I had thought I was straight for most of my life and only in this past year have I begun to question my sexuality (I'm 16 btw) so there is a chance that this is just a phase. Almost all of my friends are and have been guys. There are one or two girls here and there but mostly they are guys (tbf I do go to an all boys school but I'm still not that close friends with other gay guys) I am really bad at speaking to girls and I am always super shy around them. On the other hand, I am fine talking to guys and don't have problems starting up conversations with them. This doesn't really make sense if I was gay because I would have nothing to lose by messing up in front of girls Without trying to sound homophobic, I don't really fit the stereotype of a gay guy. I like sports and I'm not very fashionable for starters, so it is confusing to think that I would be gay Also, I am worried that I just "want to be gay" to feel "special" and "different" to everyone else Gay: When I go out with my friends, I always notice guys rather than girls and I can with 75% confidence that I like guys I have no problems with being gay. My only concerns are that I would seriously disappoint my family and it would be harder to find a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend Although I said that I don't fit the stereotype, I do have a lisp and someone has said to me before that I sound "gay" I have closer emotional bonds with guys and I can imagine myself in the future living with a guy (but maybe it's because I don't know any girls). Also sometimes I feel like I think I like girls in the hope of maintaining some form of "straightness" Bi: Although I kind of know I like guys, I do sometimes like girls and if I had on the spot put myself on the Kinsey Scale I think I would give myself a 5. (but this is only at this moment in time, sometimes I can go from a 2 to a 7 in a matter of days) As I mentioned earlier, I'm fine with being bi, its just that I want to know what sexuality I am and stop this confusion I find it hard to judge who I like instinctively without presuming that I like them, i.e. I sometimes like a guy or reject a girl, just because I think I'm gay and vice versa. Therefore, the simplest solution would be that I'm bi. HOCD: This is not a sexuality per say but it is more like the obsession over a sexuality (either thinking you're gay when you're straight or straight when you're gay). Unlike being gay, bi or straight, I'm actually afraid of having HOCD because it is an actual problem that could affect my life As you can tell by the way I have written this, I am really confused about my sexuality at the moment and I feel like I should know it by now because many psychologists say that sexuality is fluid until 15, where it becomes fixed. Since I am sixteen now, I am wondering why I still can pinpoint my sexuality I spend a lot of time thinking about sexuality and I am worried that I'm getting a bit obsessed about it However, I don't have any particular compulsions and I am worried that I think I have HOCD just because of my questioning/paranoia I'm really sorry for writing so much for this post, I sure it is quite tedious reading this, so I really appreciate any advice anyone has on this. I just don't want to spend anymore time trapped in this seemingly endless cycle of questioning.
Howdy. You're in the right place, and you've made some really clear explanations about why you think the various possiblities are there. So simplest first: I think we can rule out OCD (there's no standalone condition called HOCD, in spite of some of the bogus references you'll see about it here and there.) I say that because I don't hear any sort of major anxiety/obsessive, intrusive thoughts going on about this, just more a set of observations. OCD is an anxiety-spectrum disorder characterized by really severe, uncontrollable, intrusive thoughts you can't get away from, and are generally not limited to just one topic (i.e, sexual orientation). As such, unless there's more to the story, you can probably rule that out. Onto the rest: First, throw out the stereotypes. There are gay guys who work on cars, captain their football team, are the biggest, most muscled, macho guys you'll ever see. And guys who fit the feminine stereotype, and when they talk, a purse falls out of their mouth. And everything in between. So that isn't really going to help you much. So what we're left with is the actual arousal and attraction. One of the most accurate predictors is masturbation habits when not using porn. What I generally suggest is masturbating without porn for a week or two, and in alternating sessions, try fantasizing about guys, and then about girls, and then letting your mind wander and see where it leads you. This is calling on your unconscious mind, which is where the hardwired attraction lives, and so what comes out of that experience is usually a pretty good predictor. You do have to keep in mind that most of us have an agenda: no one wants to be gay, because we fear disappointing others, or the stigmas that still exist in society, the loss of identity as straight and living a different life, and that sort of thing. So it's hard to separate conscious from unconscious mind, but usually this "experiment" gives you a pretty good idea. Finally, people always take time to come to understanding about sexual orientation. And in acknowledging we're not straight (if, in fact that's what's the case for you), there's always the loss of that straight identity to deal with, and there are stages we go through in doing that: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So that takes some time. (It's also non-sequential, so you can move back and forth between stages until you get thorugh them.) Hopefully this will give you some info to think about to help clarify. I do hope you'll stick around, as EC is a great resource to talk about the feelings that go with this and explore yourself and become comfortable with wherever you end up on the spectrum. And... feel free to report back if you have any more thougths or clarifications, as the more info you provide, the more feedback you can get from others in the community.
Thanks Chip, I'm quite relieved to find that I don't seem to have HOCD, as I wasn't sure whether I had it or not for a while and I was too afraid to ask anyone because I'm not ready to come out yet. One of the problems I find is I don't know what gender I like subconsciously (or if I like both) because my brain always seems to consciously changing perceptions to what I want to think. According to what you are saying, it seems that I am at least gay, which is most likely right. However, I'm not sure whether I am in fact bi or I am just "bargaining" to keep what "straightness" I seem to have. Also, what seems to be bugging me is that I find it very hard to make any platonic or emotional relationships with girls. Although I admit I don't see as many girls as I do guys, it is still very hard to strike a conversation with them. Is this normal for a guy, who is gay (or even straight or bi)?
Everyone's different. I know gay men who have a million close friends who are girls (think Kurt Hummel in Glee), and plenty of others who hang out mostly or exclusively with other gay guys. On the whole, in high school, friendships with guys tend to be less vulnerable emotionally and more about activities, so in a way, those are easier for someone who is on the shy side. Friendships with girls tend to be more emotionally focused. Of course, these are broad generalizations that don't apply to everyone but might give you some insights. As to whether you're bi or gay... that is best answered by masturbation fantasies and what you experience when you're out and about. If in both cases you find yourself focusing more on the guys, then it's pretty unlikely there's much real attraction to women... and it is very, very common for people in the bargaining phase to find ways to rationalize that there's still a "straight" part of themselves as a way of keeping the door open to the possibility of a "normal" life. But I wouldn't stress about it; it will generally start to become clearer given time.
Hi 4325ISJ! I'd like to say first of all that your list was a great way to start. I do agree with Chip, but I'd also like to mention that even if you list something that seems completely bogus, it's still important to include it. You don't want to overanalyze things, but you'd like to take some time to think "Well, why does this matter?" or "What does this really mean?" or "Does this really sound like me?" Sexuality is very fluid and can fluctuate, but above all else, it can be majorly confusing during the questioning process. Not everyone knows if they're gay, straight, or bi by the time they're 15. (I'm 17 and didn't figure it out until a week before Christmas two months ago). There are quite a few individuals who don't figure it out until they're 28, 45, or 72. Perfectly normal. Frustrating, but normal. So don't fret, my friend. Some advice I would give would be: Don't worry about worry about disappointing anyone else. This is you and who you are. The only person you should be concerned with disappointing is YOU. You're off to a good start being very open-minded about this. During the questioning stage a lot of people like to close one possibility off because they don't match a stereotype or there's a stigma or they just don't want to be that. Remember that a synonym to stereotype is cliche. For real, look up the stereotype definition on google. Does that mean it's wrong to meet a stereotype? No, of course not. Does it mean you aren't gay or bi because you don't meet the stereotypes? Absolutely not. (Besides, more often than not, the most popular queer stereotypes are made by straight people) Even though you don't have many interactions with girls and you're super shy, it doesn't close off the attraction. Everyone is different, but if you are mostly around guys, naturally you'd feel more comfortable around them. I can say I'm more comfortable around girls because my family consists more of females. However, this isn't the case for everyone. You don't need a label right now (or ever if you don't want one). Myself I need labels, but for your case the idea of having a label seems to be stressing you out. You can just stay open-minded to see what you like and if you say in a a year or four years "Hey! I'm only attracted to girls/boys" you can proudly claim gayhood or straighthood, or bihood if you like both. You say you notice guys more than girls when you're out and about. How do you notice them? In a way like 'Wow, i wish I was like that' or 'Hey, he's cute.' If it's the former you could be idealizing certain images or qualities. If it's the latter, you could be attracted to men. If you choose to go with one label now, but choose later it doesn't suit you, it'll be okay. Change the label to represent you. Even if it's just something only you know and no one else. Don't restrict yourself because it's going to make it harder on you. When you think of yourself with a guy or gal, keep it in a relationship state of mind. Can you see yourself dating a guy and holding hands and kissing? The same with girls. Don't solely focus on the sexual ideas that come to mind. Think of the romantic side of it as well and remember that sex can be intimidating for everyone no matter their sexuality. Even if it seems intimidating, it doesn't mean you wouldn't do it in the future whenever you're comfortable with yourself and someone else. :goodluck: Best regards.
