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Looking for insights and advice on sexual identity

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CircularDoorway, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. CircularDoorway

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Hello, - Warning for massive wall of text!

    I'm really just here searching for some advice and help because the past couple of months have been a shameful mental torture for me. If anyone could give me some insight on what I'm feeling and how to solve my problems that would be very helpful.

    I've suspected I was not straight since year 10 or year 11 (about 14 to 15 years old) since I became obsessed with a celebrity crush and subsquently a fictional lesbian couple in Buffy and came to develop a long crush on a female friend. I even outrightly confirmed internally that I was bisexual, or gay but not for long as I have kept wavering.

    I am now 17 years old nearly 18 and university it pretty close, I thought I would have it figured out by now, since that was my mantra 'I will figure it out eventually', but with university this year it seems I've gotta hurry up.

    My emotional feelings for women and desire to be with them have not changed, I've still got crushes on girls and still fantasise about kissing them, being with them in relationships. I've watched my fair share of television shows with lesbian couples and read a bunch of guff. I never have these crushes on boys or men. In fact I would be pretty sure I'm gay or at least bisexual because reading The Price of Salt was like seeing my internal feelings on a page.

    However I have so many doubts and insecurities I am torn up. Not to be crude but this is the centre of my confusion, I only really started ahem.. masturbating last year and it started off with pornography. I only ever watched straight porn, and I never watched lesbian or gay men. I feel ashamed watching it and it made me confused and disgusted so I've actually stopped for a while to try and figure myself out.

    I never sexually fantasise about being with a man, but I fantasise about straight sexual acts like oral sex or penetration... sorry for this.
    I do think about women too, not always as graphically though, and it doesn't 'stir' me in the same way or as much but its more passionate rather than purely carnal.

    Am I fabricating my feelings for women?
    Am I overthinking this?
    Am I straight but just really like women?
    Is porn the indicator of my true sexuality rather than emotions?
    Is this just part of the fluid nature of sexuality?
    Have I developed a porn-induced fetish for straight porn designed for men and its graphic nature?

    This is deeply deeply depressing me and overthinking it keeps giving me intrusive thoughts of disgusting sexual stuff. I'm beginning to hate myself.

    Any advice on what to do or how to answer my questions and figure myself out would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure many will be offset by my wall of text, but I'm desperate and confused.
     
  2. Seahawksfan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    St. John's
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey welcome to the thread to answer your questions number 1 no I don't believe so ithink What you described shows you are seriously into women and not just thinking it. Number 2 you may be overthinking take a deep breath and don't rush thinks number 3 no poem is not a good indication as a lot of people can get of to anything in porn but may not want to be with it in real life as prom is like a movie acting 4 possible may be fluid 5 and possible psi bike not I think if it's causing you so much stress maybe slack off on porn for a little While slow down remember That love is love No matter what I wish you luck in figuring out your sexuality and hope you figure it out soon