Thought I had sorted everything out but I'm confused again

Going to try to make this as brief and to the point as possible but I definitely struggle with that I'm a 20 year old female, and I really don't trust myself with my feelings.

The first indication started happening when I was a teenager. I started watching lesbian porn, but I thought it was only because straight sex was so rough and graphic and kind of derogatory. Now I think it was probably more than that. But growing up I always developed crushes on boys. I also tend to be extremely choosy about the guys I fall for, but when I find someone I like, I end up falling really hard. I have only had one real relationship with a guy, and looking back, I don't think I even really liked him - I just liked that he liked me. And that's made me really scared to date anyone else.

Things really started to change for me when I was 17 and started at my first job. I've worked there for three summers now and this year will be my fourth. That's when I first met one of my coworkers, an out of the closet butch lesbian, and I was instantly attracted to her. I've struggled with these feelings for her for several years now, and to be honest my attitude has probably given her "whiplash" so to speak. Half the time I seek out conversation with her, I'm totally comfortable and relaxed, and we have fun together. The other half of the time I'm afraid to even look at her and speak to her.

Generally during the school year I forget about her, but as soon as we're back to working together in the summer months I'm totally drawn to her again. This past summer I accepted that the fact that I've had these feelings for so long is probably an indication that I really am romantically attracted to her and capable of having a relationship. Since accepting this, I have started to feel better about myself and more confident.

One thing that I've discovered about myself is that I seem to be exclusively attracted to masculine women. This made me question whether or not I really am attracted to women - shouldn't I be attracted to all women? But I'm at a place now where I think it's perfectly fine to feel this way. I don't think that only liking butch women makes my feelings any less valid.

The other thing I haven't been able to really put my finger on is whether I am bisexual or gay. Like I said, I have had many crushes on guys, but I don't know if this is because it's the only thing I knew and had that societal norm drilled into me or if I really am capable of having a relationship with a man.

So, here is where my problem comes in.


Recently I've joined ****** as well as a lesbian dating app (I'm not out yet so I need to be careful with this). Having only had romantic feelings for one girl in my life thus far (plus physical attraction to a couple celebrities - Ria Mae and Rhea Butcher - look them up if you don't know them cause they are fiiiine, you will thank me), I figured I should try to talk to both genders extensively to get a better sense of where I stand. This has proven to be MUCH more complicated than I expected.

****** frustrates me because it can give me millions of guys, and I've already gone though all of the available women in my area. I think I only liked a handful of women. Of the female profiles I viewed, a large percentage of them had lots of piercings, heavy makeup, and neon hair. Not to say that there is anything wrong with that - that's just me.

I had slightly more luck on the lesbian dating app, but I tend to see the same women over and over. Plus, I've also only come across ten butch women, tops. I think I had about 4 connections, and I tried so hard to make the conversations interesting, but trying to get an interesting conversation topic out of those women was like pulling teeth. They all started the conversation by saying "hey", and then would ask "how are you". That's about as interesting as it got. I can't even get a capitalized word. Has anyone else had this problem?

With the men on ******, I liked profiles mostly based on my impression of their personalities. I'm now stuck with 50 matches and 28 guys trying to start conversations with me. I wish I could get equal representation from the women. I find the men so much more difficult to talk to, conversation doesn't come quite as easily. And I am having an impossible time finding myself attracted to hardly anyone at all.

This is leading me to question if I am not bisexual or gay, but simply attracted to people based on their personalities? Correct me if I'm wrong, but might this be the definition of pansexual? I mean no offence if I've misused the label. I admit I am embarrassingly uneducated in this area.

I said I would be brief but it looks like I've failed. I guess I'm really just looking for advice on the next steps I should take, and opinions based on what I've told you about what you think my sexual orientation might be.

I have not come out to anyone, but I want to. I'm ready to be in a relationship, and honestly I just want to be real with my coworker. Like I said I've given off so many conflicting vibes with her, I just want her to know I've been struggling to figure out my identity. Before I can come out though, I need to know what to come out as. It won't be easy with my family situation or my friends, so I want to feel 100% confident that I am the person I tell them I am.

If you read all of this, thank you. I appreciate it and know it isn't easy to read this much.

 

Whoops, posted the name of an app when it looks like I shouldn't have. That's what the stars mean.