Hello, I am 21 years old male this is my story : when i was young ( 14 years old ) i started being interested about sex , i remember that my first porn videos are straight then somehow i stumbled upon gay porn and i really liked it and i've began watching it for a long time that i saw transexual porn and i've liked it even more so i started watching it more and more and i was having sex chat with gay/transexuals most of the time , but sometimes i have sex chat with females also. I've had a sexual relationship with a male cousin ( i was topping i don't like or consider the idea of being passif ) Also, i was from time to time masturbating on straight porn and imagining myself with females i even had a friend of mine gave me a handjob and i remember that i've really liked it to the point that i didn't control myself that moment I,also, remember that when i was with my cousin ( female ) i was doing whatever i can to make her sit on my lap ( she's younger than me by a year ) and i was trying my best to be alone with her and have sex with her. I considered myself all my life as a straight man or at least bisexual ( more hetero than homo ) i loved 2 girls,like really loved them, i was counting the days to see her,i liked being around her,to touch its hair and mostly to play with her tiny soft hands,i loved her smile loved her a lot ( but at that time i was still watching transexual porn) recently,i've read an article about that when index finger is taller than ring finger you are gay,for the sake of fun i tried it and i don't know how it happened but my ring finger was clearly taller than my index finger somehow i saw the opposite and it all went to hell ( now i am certain that my ring finger is taller ) but i was extremly shocked it was the most powerful shock that i've had my entire life,it broke me i couldn't even walk or eat or sleep or do anything i saw nothing but blackness ( i can't describe the feelings they were a million time more powerful than any other feelings i have) and since that moment (September 2015) i was feeling uncomfortable being around handsome guys like i am attracted to them but i hated that feeling i was having homosexual thoughts, i know that i like gay porn and i've had even had sex with my cousin but i've never been like see a guy and say to myself he's sexy or anything like that. I've went to a doctor and he said to me that I have an OCD and the shock was the reason. I am really scared and depressed of my situation now,i respect homosexual people but i've never considered myself one. I'm failing my school,lost interest in all what i've used to like,i can't sleep sorry for the long thread but the past months have been hell for me
If you read about it more carefully, it is biologically the norm for men to have ring fingers longer than index fingers. You are normal. Also, I'm pretty sure that theory you read about finger ratios is unfounded. I have read that women with longer ring fingers (the male ratio) are more likely to be lesbians, but I do not beleive that the opposite is an actual theory. Even the theory about lesbians I've not been able to trace well enough to beleive in fully. In fact, I don't think anyone has an index finger that's longer than their ring finger. You either have a longer ring finger (masculine) or an index and ring finger of similar lengths (feminine). I feel like this is, as your doctor was saying, an obsession over this small detail, so I would like to assure you that, logically, this theory is not something to worry about it. Emotionally, I understand the experience of obsessing over your sexuality in a way that starts spiralling into depression, failing and letting your other interests pass you by, but yours sounds like its getting very extreme and so you should definitely seek further hep from your doctor and reach out to friends and family. Do not keep it in. You have made a great step by coming to this forum. I don't think I've had anything as extreme as you, but a few things I try to do when I decide to fight back in depressive periods: 1. Talk 2. Force yourself into a general routine. A time to get up and a time to sleep. Try hard to wash and dress carefully in the morning. 2. When you're really freaking out try mindfulness. Look it up. Its pretty hard to explain. 3. (may or may not work for you) Get your mind sort of interested in something else by reading. It requires enough effort to force you to engage (unlike short videos or something) but is a pretty low key activity to do at your own pace. And stop reading if your really bored until you find something good. This is not a punishment. 4. Journal. Let out your feelings. Set yourself one/two goals for the next day. Tame goals just like "get up at x time" or "try to be present in class" or "reach out to x person" or "go for a walk". 5. Talking about going for a walk -light excercise. I know, nothing sounds worse from this perspective but its chemical, you will produce endorphins and feel a little better. Also fresh air does actually clear your mind. And it just gets you up. It could be you're not ready for that advice. In which case, use it when you can. I hope I helped in some way. And I hope you are able to find a way out of this situation
thanks for the advice but my problem is that i am confused about my sexual orientation, like i've said i've never considered my self homosexual, i was thinking about girls, about my future and as i've said i've had sex with them I was 100 % positive that i am not homosexual ( i know i have a part of me it is homosexual ) but in general i am hetero but this OCD is killing me, it makes me feel like i am really homosexual I am really confused
I also understand this. I have been similarly (though not as intensely) obsessed about whether or not I am homosexual. But there's sort of a reason why my advice avoided that a bit. You CANNOT find a definite answer and NOBODY on this forum can give you a full answer about your sexuality no matter how much you ask. So you really need to simplify the problem for yourself and then move on to trying to create more balance in your life and cope with this depression. Thats the only way to really get out of it. So simplifying the problem... here's a basic version of what I try to do: 1. Have you felt attraction to girls? 2. Have you felt attraction to guys? You can only answer yes or no. Answer on completely surface level. Don't challenge what attraction really is or anytihng. If you answer yes to 1 ONLY then you are heterosexual, or 2 ONLY then you are homosexual. And if you have answer both yes you can consider yourself some flavour of bisexual. The last one will likely be your choice and if so, just try to stop there. It doesn't matter what your preference is or anything, just when you start questioning try to repeat to yourself "I have feelings for both genders so I am bisexual. It does not matter if I prefer one or the other, bisexuals do not need to be 50-50." or something like that. Try to keep your thoughts on this subject breif and then focus on the steps in my other message. Your problem here is the severity of your obsession over the subject so you really need to cut yourself off from thinking about it so deeply. But its not necessarily easy, so keep talking to your doctor and such.
