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Confused about sexuality and feeling trapped.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by hin, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. hin

    hin
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    Ok I am just going to simply give you all of the facts and hopefully I can try get some clarity.
    I am a 19 year old Male who although never having any doubts about my sexuality before has in the last few months has been confused about my sexuality.

    - Can acknowledge that I am quite effeminate, interested in art theatre and not so much in sports.
    - As far as I know I have always been attracted to women, had crushes on girls at early age and had a long term girlfriend of 4 years from the age of 14. Although I am shy and never feel like making the first move. Haven't been in a relationship since as was still strongly invested in my ex through first year of college and often hooked up. I can acknowledge when a guy is good looking but have never felt a sexual attraction.
    - I seem to attract gay guys as my better friends. My best friend from childhood and my group of friends from secondary school (High school) seem to all be coming out as gay.
    - I in no way mean to boast or brag and feel very vain putting this in.. But it might be relevant.. I have been told that I am pretty good looking, and as a result have noticed guys (and girls) coming on to me a lot in College.
    - I am very open minded and I grew up with very liberal parents who would not care what my orientation is so I don't feel any way pressured to be heterosexual. As a result I wouldn't mind if i was gay.
    - I have been a bit flirty in texts to guys, sometimes putting x's at the end but only doing so as a joke..
    -As I said I'm open minded and will admit to having kissed a guy friend a few times while very drunk (peck on the lips), originally started at a party where he kissed all guys and girls in the room. Didn't think much of it as a result of this and didn't spur any excitement in me and didn't think about it afterwards. Also did not want to pursue anything else but did feel a bit of jealousy when he hung out with another friend afterwards..
    - My best friend who I was in boarding school with and am now who living with is strongly attracted to me and expects me to feel the same way. Causing me great anxiety as I have never felt sexual attraction to him or any other guy and don't see myself being in a relationship with him. Though I feel that I should as everyone expects me to. Tried talking to him about it but he reads it as being afraid to come out and comes on to me very strongly later.
    - My other friends not expect me to want to be with this guy but too afraid to come out. A lot of people I meet assume that I am gay, maybe because of my mannerisms.
    - I know this is a bad indicator, but I have tried watching gay porn and fantasising about gay relations but it has had no effect on me. Although straight porn and straight fantasies have always aroused me, though less so at the moment as I am constantly doubting myself. Whenever I relax I find women a lot more attractive and notice them while walking down the street etc.
    - Looking back I feel that my parents have had an inkling that I might be gay.

    Ok so they are the main facts. It's confusing me as I have always been attracted to women and still am. Yet at the moment I am doubting myself as all of my friends think that I should be gay, though I don't want to label myself but feel pressured in to doing so. I still want to be with women but feel that because everyone thinks differently of me it will be a mistake, and if i bring a girl home my friends will judge me. Also I don't want to play with other people's feelings as I figure out who I am.
    I have read on a few forums that I should just relax and the answers will come to me naturally over time. Though I can't relax and go with the flow as whenever I am at home in my house my best friend is always flirting with me and my other friends are expecting me to come out to them.. It's kind of driving me insane and I am falling behind in college and losing friendships due to my anxiety.
    I know that I could be bi, but that label kind of confuses me.

    Any help will be greatly appreciated, thanks!
     
  2. Mihael

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    It's the wrong board, but never mind :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    You might be bi, because you say you're into girls, but felt jealous about a guy you kissed too. Porn and fantasies are not a good indicator, or not an indicator in a way that one would think initailly, from my experience. So not being able to imagine some sort of relationship... Nah. Sometimes a feeling comes and you don't need imagination, and sometimes something in a fantasy or porn turns people on, but it's not the person involved, but e.g. intimacy, acts performed, the tought of sex in general...

    Your attraction to men doesn't invalidate your attraction to women and vice versa, so you don't have to worry about it. Also, you might have a preference for one gender within your bisexuality and you might not be attracted to both genders at the same time, at the same rate or in the same way. If you are attracted to men, it doesn't mean you have to be attracted to this particular friend, and if you don't feel anything to him, you don't have to begin a relationship, you have the right to end it. It's the same as with girls. Are you attracted to just some subset of girls or at every single female? Yes, that's it.

    Your gender expression doesn't have anything to do with your sexual orientation. They're separate. That you're good-looking or shy doesn't mean you're gay. Being friends with gay guys doesn't mean you're gay too as well. You might just have similar personalities. All kinds of people exist and this world is very diverse.

    I'm kinda in a similar boat, because I seem to be a lesbian apparently and girls hit on me a lot. Well, I'm quite mascline, that's why. And I'm friends with queer girls too, in high school I was good friends with all queer girls in my school and for some reason I they were my best friends, even though I am not that much into girls. Sometimes yes, but I'm primarily into men. You don't need to fulfil anyone's expectations, it's your life and it is you that is going to be in a relationship and only you can decide if it's right for you and if you enjoy it. In the end it's about what you feel and if you feel good about your life.

    It's gonna be fine. I don't know if you like virtual hugs, I can offer a lot. (*hug*)
     
  3. darkcomesoon

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    You don't sound gay to me. You say you're attracted to women and not to men, and it doesn't get much more straightforward than that. It doesn't really matter if you're effeminate or if people think you're gay. Their assumptions are just based on stereotypes, and stereotypes are not even remotely reliable indicators of sexuality.
     
  4. SHACH

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    To me it sounds like you are straight but you have a very LGBT freindly freindship group who are interpretting your more feminine personality as something to do with homosexuality/bisexuality and are trying to be supportive. But with the addition of this friend who is into you, the situation is becoming a bit more pressured - both you and them sort of want things to work out for him. So this pressure is making you question yourself. Except none of the perceptions you have made indicate you being gay or even bi really. Bisexual is definitely an option (I'm pretty sure you can rule out gay since you do like girls), but you haven't really shown any interest in guys, so this leads me to think you're straight. But if you still feel like you might be bi, here are a couple of questions that are probably more helpful to answer than "do you like gay porn" or "do you like kissing guys when you're drunk?":

    1. Have you ever had a friendship with a guy that you were way too invested in? Like, you were enthusiastic before you really knew them. You were enthusiastic when they didn't even care. You were sort of annoyed when they weren't around. You wanted to be physically close. That sort of thing. Things that you didn't interpret correctly... but were actually signs of a crush.
    2. Do you ever feel a butterfly type feeling with guys like this?
    3. Do you get really excited about gay tv/celebrity couples? (only really counts if its more than straight couples and such)
    4. Who are your absolute favourite celebrities? Are they male or female? Why do you like them? Are they inspirational to you in some specific way or is a large part of it just that something about them? I mean celebrities you like to follow. Someone you wouldn't mind getting a poster of.
    (These last two questions sound oh so silly but somehow they helped me a lot; I realised I mainly liked female celebrities yet I am a bit of a boy - I didn't want to be like them, I just LIKED them)

    I hope you find this somewhat helpful, and I also hope you allow yourself to decide yourself without pressure from your friends and gender expression stereotypes, because you don't sound as gay as they seem to think you are haha.
     
    #4 SHACH, Mar 4, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
  5. Mihael

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    Yep, at most the bi end of straight. The jealousy is the only thing that might hint on any attraction to guys. But only that, as you say you don't feel anything sexual about them, any excitement, any attraction. You seem to have varience-positive environment :grin:
     
  6. hin

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    Thank you all for your responses, you have really helped clear things up a bit!

    In reply to some of your questions SHACH:

    But if you still feel like you might be bi, here are a couple of questions that are probably more helpful to answer than "do you like gay porn" or "do you like kissing guys when you're drunk?"

    - I have never had an interest in gay porn. As a teen I exclusively watched straight porn. Yet since being in this situation I have tried watching gay porn to see if it does interest or arouse me but to no success.
    With kissing, the only time I have kissed a guy is where I have previously specified (though it was only a peck on the lips a few times). Someone has tried to kiss me open mouth but I stopped him.

    1. Have you ever had a friendship with a guy that you were way too invested in? Like, you were enthusiastic before you really knew them. You were enthusiastic when they didn't even care. You were sort of annoyed when they weren't around. You wanted to be physically close. That sort of thing. Things that you didn't interpret correctly... but were actually signs of a crush.

    - Have never felt this way before, the only time I can think of is when I had broken up with my girlfriend and was in need of a hug from one of my friends..

    2. Do you ever feel a butterfly type feeling with guys like this?

    - No I have never felt butterflies or a warm feeling when around any of my male friends, I always saw them as platonic relationships.

    3. Do you get really excited about gay tv/celebrity couples? (only really counts if its more than straight couples and such)

    - No, not really. I have the same reaction to gay celebrity couples as I would to straight celebrity couples. Just a slight interest to know what the goings on are in showbiz.

    4. Who are your absolute favourite celebrities? Are they male or female? Why do you like them? Are they inspirational to you in some specific way or is a large part of it just that something about them? I mean celebrities you like to follow. Someone you wouldn't mind getting a poster of.

    Can't really think of any celebrities I would follow. Not very big in to that world. I am a fan on Eminem because I like his music. I would look at male celebrities who I think are cool and would think about looking/dressing like them.

    Still feel pretty lost and pressured though as I am living with my best friend which is perpetuating my anxiety.. I feel that if i say that I am bi or try to talk to him he will mistake it as being a stepping stone to coming out as gay and persist.

    Thank you for the virtual hugs Emerry, they're much needed and welcomed at the moment!(*hug*)
     
  7. darkcomesoon

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    Your answers to SHACH's questions make it pretty clear that you're straight. You've never been attracted to or had a crush on a guy. You are only questioning your sexuality in the first place because people thought you were gay because of stereotypes, and those are not a good indicator of sexuality. The best indicator of sexuality is who you are attracted to and have been attracted to in the past, and you have only been attracted to women, which makes you straight.