Hello, first time poster. I've been questioning my sexuality for the past year. For my entire life I've been attracted to women. I'm in college right now and I have a few female crushes but I never act on them because I have pretty severe anxiety. I was in therapy for a while mainly for depression but I couldn't fully open up.. I only really express myself completely when i'm drunk. Anyways a lot of my friends at school think I'm gay, and I have started to believe them in a way. The only thing is i've never looked at a man and thought, "Wow I want to kiss him", but I do have the occasional "He's good looking". The thought of kissing and cuddling with a man turns me off. I've never been good with girls or had any friends that were girls, only like one at school right now. I have fell in love with girls before, but I'm so lame that I never act on these impulses. I get so carried away with these female crushes that I imagine myself marrying and starting a life with them.. pretty frequently. But there are a few things driving me to question my sexuality.. 1) I've been in bed with one girl, and I couldn't get it up. I was attracted to this girl for a very long time, but when it came down to it I couldn't perform. Keep in mind that I am still a virgin. 2) To be a bit graphic.. I do enjoy anal stimulation and have been thinking that I would like to be penetrated by a man, but not the other way around. Basically I want to be bottoming and having a girl give me head at the same time, that would be great I think. I have never looked at a man and thought wow he probably has a great dick or something.. so I haven't acted on any of these tendencies. 3) I have gay friends at school that think that I am gay, mainly because I don't have sex. They don't know I'm a virgin so they're suspicious. 4) There's one person that I've been great friends with at school recently told me he was bi. I never had a shred of doubt that he was not straight because he has sex with women. I never had any sexual feelings with him until he came out to me and started to hit on me, and I thought I might try it, since why not i'm in college and I have one life to live. 5) One time when I was masturbating I imagined that my friend from high school was penetrating me.. The main thing that is keeping me thinking that i'm straight or keeping me in denial for that matter is that I 1) turned off by gay porn, especially kissing and anything to do with a butt. The only thing that gets me going is the thought of being submissive. 2) have a few female crushes at school, and have sexual dreams about them that I thoroughly enjoy. 3) Have severe social and generalized anxiety that makes me fear walking into any public situation, so I'm thinking that i'm completely over analyzing this. I keep telling myself that I'm bi, but I'm truly not sure. Any comments or opinions are greatly appreciated, thank you everyone I hope this information gives you a bit of what I'm going through.
1) That has happened to a straight friend of mine. It was from anxiety; he was scared of his performance. He questioned if he would be good or bad in bed after him and his girl friend had sex. I think it sounds pretty normal to feel, and in addition you said that you have serve anxiety. It doesn’t sound anything to be related to being possibly gay. 2) Nothing is wrong with liking anal penetration. Your fantasy of being penetrated by a man sounds logical knowing that you like to be submissive. It doesn’t have to do with liking men, it just so happens that men are known to play a more dominate role. Which is probably why you fantasized about it. Many people link being a male that like to be submissive as gay which is not true. They are 2 different things altogether. 3) In my point of view, I’m taking a guess here so I hope you don’t get offended. You said you suffer from depression and serve anxiety. They can really take a toll on your life, from basic things like interacting and dating. From the information that you are saying, it sounds like it is more of social problem due to your anxiety and depression. I could be wrong. Your gay friends suspect that you are gay judging from an outside prospective. I doubt that they are taking account of other problems you have. So I think you shouldn’t worry about what their opinions are because of that. 4) You sound more like you are bi-curious than gay. Maybe your friend coming out to you sparked an interest in him or you just are bi-curious now since he came out to you. You have been questioning yourself for a while so it is only natural that when it comes to the opposite sex you are curious to find out if you really are gay or not, if you decide to find out that is. 5) Did you imagine it because of him or because it was a dominant role in your submissive fantasy? These are just my opinions. I think you are just bi-curious, but that’s just my opinion. When I was questioning myself and asking similar questions on this forum, I got a lot of people telling me that I was probably just bi-curious. But as time went by I realized it was more than that. My thoughts and actions were not straight in the end. Maybe you could possibly be in the same boat. Hope I helped!
