Am I gay? Straight? Or just acting?

Hi all, I've been reading a lot here which already helped but I think I need to share my story and hope for some support how to approach this. Maybe writing a this makes it more clear for me too.

So I'm 28 years old and have always been single. I never really paid attention to a relationship or people in general. Never felt in love. 5 years ago I moved out of my parents house and since then I'm on this emotional rollercoaster which is at it's highest point right now..

My question simply is: who am I and what do I like.

1. During high school(being 13~16 y/old) I liked to look at one guy, didn't have any sexual feelings but in the changing rooms and during lunch break I had this natural attraction to him. In my memory I still do.
Later one of my friends told me that someone asked if I was gay, my friend said no and that I was just acting(I was in a musical group and liked acting like I was someone else). Funny enough about 60% of that group turned out gay 10 years later.


2. During my apprenticeship(being 16~23 y/old) I attended an almost all-guys school(as not many girls are in engineering). I again liked one guy but never really paid attention to it. Funny enough, and I really don't know why, but my friends again asked if I was gay, I said No! I really don't behave like a 'typical' gay guy(although I liked to watch when someone leaned over:lol. So one evening they got me really, really drunk and they asked me again "are you gay?". I said no. So they asked me again: "are you straight?" and as all drunk guys are honest I said "I don't know".

Still I did not experience any sexual or intimate feelings or felt being in love and while "letting off some steam" I cannot remember I ever fantasised about guys/girls and was certainly not interested in porn.


3. 5 years ago I moved out of my parents house to a new environment to get a job. This is where my emotional rollercoaster started. I suddenly felt the need to love someone, have physical contact, sex and not being alone anymore.

So there is this girl I know for 14 years already and two years ago we were both single again, craving to get physical so we had sex several occasions. I was able to get aroused by the idea and perform to satisfy both until we decided to stop and continue as just friends. I did not feel an emotional connection. We still are friends and for some reason we have this connection that we cannot get angry at each other. I do notice that every time we talk I start flirting...

When a nice looking guy walks by I do feel the urge to look at him for a split second. This happens a lot less to girls. My friends say I have this weird taste for girls(too picky). When I like the look or behaviour of a girl, my friends sometimes tell me they look like a boy. I do understand the concept of what is "a nice looking girl" and what features make her beautiful in the eyes of my friends.

Writing all this down makes me feel so stressed right now. My Hands are shaking and really feel sick.


So to get answers who I really am, I met a guy on ****** last year. We talk for 4 months already and will meet on Tuesday to have some dinner in a cafe. But for some reason I do not feel comfortable. I know the guy is not a creep as I have seen pictures, know where he works and they way he responds I don't get the feeling he is looking for just sex.


Trying to organise my head makes things worse and confusing:
Do I really want this? Do I really like guys? What if others find out? Is it just a phase or fantasy? Am I just acting like I want to be gay just to get answers? What if I tell others I am into guys but it turns out not to be?

I am "acting" like a straight guy for 28 years already and never expressed my doubts to anyone.
Did any one of you discover these feelings late and had/has similar confusions?

Feeling so depressed and afraid right now.. :icon_sad:

 

I just realize how long that topic start is, sorry! I really had to write that off..

I'm attracted to guys very similar to me(well that's what I think): normal looking guys you don't think they would be gay. Very friendly looking, average height. I'm sexually attracted to the same description.

I do like girls that are cute, short hair, small breasts, short length, small waist.
For example, I really like the looks of the girl on the left and can't care much about the other two:

According to my friends she looks like a boy.

I don't know what I feel. One moment I feel these butterflies, then suddenly I cannot imagine myself with a guy, not even kissing. It just all feels weird.

I did think there was a problem with me that I never had a girlfriend or didn't even care about having a partner. But since I live on my own and I'm getting older, this is slowly changing.

And yes, I am sexually attracted to guys. I can't resist not to watch if a guy walks by that fits my "criteria".

I told two people I "know" through another forum and they were very accepting. This helped a lot feeling better and allowing myself to even type about it on this forum.

Ahh men, that must be difficult. I had and still have the thoughts why not just marry a woman, get kids and go on with my life with her.

My scary thought is "am I sure that I am gay?". It is not that I can't come out, I know everyone will be very accepting. It is just that once you come out, you can't go back and people expect certain behavior. All the stereotyping of gays is what worries me. I don't like the flamboyant stuff or the girlish-gay way of talking.

When relieving steam I cannot remember I ever fantasized about males or females. This only came when I was living on myself.. Mostly thinking about guys but occasionally girls(which was much harder to be honest).

I do feel a strong attraction to guys but I am so afraid it is just a phase, maybe a fantasy or whatever and the real deal is completely different. That's the thing that distresses me the most and is so scary.

It's all these emotion in the head that are changing constantly.. the stress levels in my body and mind are higher than ever where "being not sure" is the biggest contributor.

So, about 23hrs to go before I have a date with this guy.. So scared and confused right now!

 

Wow, this was one of the scariest things in my life.. I had the date tonight. It went incredibly smooth! All worries for nothing. We both talked all the time, had dinner and then went to another bar to drink, without awkward silences. It probably helped that we already talked for several months over whatsapp before finally meeting.

I can't place the feeling but it was like we knew each other and it felt very comfortable, even the small silences. If you didn't know how we met each other online, I wouldn't guess the guy is gay(just like me).

This is part of my problem. I only think about guys but after finishing I start to doubt myself. Maybe this is the result of the stamp that society puts on you and the kind of behavior that is expected.


When we came home we texted each other that we enjoyed it a lot and I told him we should meet again. I hope my feelings will become more clear in the coming weeks.

 

Yeah, I think this is one of the struggles I have not to come out to anyone or accept my feelings. I do not identify with all that pink rainbow happiness and girly behavior that some have(you only see those in real life).

Officially gay people can walk hand in hand on the streets and marry here but when I hear my colleagues calling someone gay for the sake of it or even young kinds swearing and calling each other gay, there is still a long way to go..

As long as people call each other gay at random, there is a certain stigma and negative aspect attached to the word and this makes me afraid to come out..

After this date I now see that there are guys that behave like any other guy and you would never have guessed he is gay. Just like everyone(including very close friends) is assuming I want a girlfriend.

The past days I have these feelings of euphoria, tense, day dreaming but also confused and stressed. My days start early and I am in a very good mood. I really can't wait for the first touch or kiss. It now feels like I am craving just to touch his hands or face which feels pretty weird at the same time. I do not know if these feelings are part of being in love as I never felt what being in love is.


You guys are so awesome in supporting me and others here. Things are starting to become more and more clear!

 

I do think you are right but I'm not out of the closet yet so it is difficult to always comment to it.

I was really amazed and it is an eyeopener for me that there are 'regular guys' that are in fact gay. I know, very bad of me but I never experienced it and they definitely don't tell you that on school. It allows me to accept my feelings better.

Awkward silences was one thing that I was afraid of too(and the fact of meeting someone you met over the internet with one purpose). We didn't call it dating, just getting dinner and a drink. And that is now the night actually proceeded: we just talked about random stuff and showed interest in the other with these extremely standard questions. As long as you and your date don't respond with only 'yes' and 'no' I'm sure you will be fine too! Silences are OK too!

If you are afraid of silences, make sure you and your date have something to do like dinner, wall climbing, cycling, whatever simple activity. It gives you a very good excuse not to say anything for a while.