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Fetishising Lesbians???

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Simsim, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. Simsim

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    I'm kind of obsessed with my lesbian tennis coach.
    But obsessed in a dumb way, like a teenager is obsessed with a pop star.
    I don't really know anything about her - I only see her for a few hours a week.
    Yet when I see her I turn into this giggling idiot.
    I want to really impress her.
    I want her to LIKE me.
    I think about her way too much.
    Erotic dreams, like SUCH erotic dreams.

    This behaviour is so NOT me.
    I do not "crush" on people. I value personality before appearance.
    If I value personality at all... I'm friendly but introverted and enjoy being alone.
    As a result I don't date (I find it exhausting) and I don't have the desire to be in relationship.

    And yet...

    I find myself trying (unsuccessfully) to flirt with her, and make her laugh. It's like my existence depends of having her like me, or be attracted to me...
    SO embarrassing.

    I put this down to me, as a straight person (not a kinsey 0, but less than a kinsey 3) fetishising the fact that she is a lesbian. It's like it is exciting to me, and the thought of being with her is HOT.
    But I don't know if it is HER, or just some idea I have of her, and her being a lesbian, and what that maybe means.

    I guess really respect people who are open with their sexuality, as I'm not a sexually confident person. Maybe that is what I'm attracted to?

    I mean yeah she seems really nice and funny and blah blah blah, but that's the thing - she SEEMS to be these things, I don't know her well enough.

    I'm just so NOT cool when it comes to dating and relationships in general. I don't date.
    But this part of me keeps thinking about asking her out. Which the rational part of me knows would be a disaster - I'm terrible at dating as a straight person so WHY would I try and date a gay person????
    Unlike with people who are gay for me it would be a choice.
    And that doesn't seem fair.

    I'm not naive or closeted... I'm an adult, I live in a major city, my best friend of the last 10 years is gay (coincidentally I do these tennis lessons with him), my brother is gay, I don't see gay people as 2D caricatures.

    But admittedly I've met less gay women than gay men.

    I've done this before, more than once at uni, where I actively sought the friendships of girls who were lesbian.
    Same behaviour. I wanted them to like me. Like really like me.
    To be fair I really did like both of them, they were both great people.
    And my sensible side curbed the flirting before I possibly hurt people I cared for, as I don't know if any romantic feeling I had were genuine or just this dumb thing that I do

    Do I sound like an idiot? Ugh.

    Maybe I'm Bi. I don't know. I don't want to experiment at the expense of a real persons feelings, as I could just turn and go "Oh yeah no, not for me, in my head great, but not in reality", and yet I don't know how to play this out of my own head.
    I was hoping to be clearer by the end of this post.

    But any advice is appreciated, even if it's harsh and just telling me to grow up.
    Feel a bit lost, but had to stop thinking about Miss Tennis for a moment.

    Oh, and happy International Women's Day :slight_smile: !!!!!
     
  2. SHACH

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    You could be bi yeah. And being unsure and unaware of your true sexuality is not to do with being naive and seeing gay people as 2D. Its just about never having really thought through applying the idea to yourself fully. Its about the fact that you had a general vision for your life and you never really thought about it going a different way until... someone comes along that you can't ignore.

    The weird fascination with lesbians is one of the things I see as a sign to my sexuality. There was the girl who people kept telling me was a lesbian who I was desperate to be friends with the more I beleived it, there was this lesbian teacher who I loved, there was this lesbian couple I couldn't stop watching out of the corner of my eye etc, and it sort of evolved into that actual desire that you seem to be having for your tennis teacher. Now I identify as bi, and its become clear that that fascination was sort of identifying with them and in some cases really liking them. And yeah, I had gay male friends but I never really close with any lesbians so I feel like this contributed to it being something I didn't quite understand (even though I thought I did).

    In conclusion, it sounds like you're crushing on your tennis teacher and if you're anything like me, your fascination with lesbians probably says something about your sexuality. In which case you may be bisexual. You sort of have to do some introspective searching.
     
    #2 SHACH, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  3. Mystruggle

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    As I'm reading your post I'm like wow this girl has the exact same feelings as I've experienced lately, only you put it together much better than I do. I'm a straight female, married actually but have always had this strange attraction to women, not completely understanding what it meant. I have had very little contact with lesbians over the years but I've recently hired a travel adviser who happens to be lesbian. I've only met her face to face like once but I can't get her out of my head, and same as you, very erotic dreams. I find that I'm questioning my sexuality, a little confused why this side of me is only now coming to life as I'm in my mid thirties. Fascination, of course, not attraction, I'm fascinated with lesbians, I think because I'm envious
     
  4. devotions

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    duuude she sounds hot as hell :icon_redf and ik you didn't even describe her really, but this image just popped up into my head and yeah... Hey! I am a lesbian myself, it's not fetishizing if I am one, right? but no like it's not bad you're having these feelings, you're most likely queer. I had a similar experience with a teacher of mine, if you look back at my posting history you'll see that I've brought it up multiple times, and honestly I thought the same thing that I was fetishizing her. But it's not really? Like that's just your body's natural reaction - and there's nothing wrong with that.
     
    #4 devotions, Mar 10, 2016
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  5. Simsim

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    Thanks for the replies/advice.

    Shach.. yeah the "someone you can't ignore" comment sums it up in a way.
    Time for a bit of introspection for sure as you're right, being attracted to a female doesn't quite fit in with my life vision.
    But attraction on it's own means nothing, however getting to the bottom of how sincerely I'd want to act on that attraction could mean changes.

    Mystruggle, the word fascination resonated with me, but for me it's definitely attraction too. I'm in my 20s, so older than the wise teens on here, and I find it interesting is sexuality fluid? Do we change? Do certain people we meet awaken things in us that were already there?

    Devotions, um yes, she is, hot af imo. I don't think there is anything wrong with how I feel exactly, it's just getting to the bottom of if I met her, and say I didn't know her sexual orientation, would I still be so attracted to her??

    Aaaand then I finally got around to watching Blue Is The Warmest Color last night, yeah, that helped...

    I guess it's this weird thing that if I was so attracted to a guy I'd be like, nbd.
    But in being attracted to a girl, when I'm not solely attracted to females, well it presents a choice - do I pursue those feelings with the inconvenience of possibly having to explain the girl I'm dating to friends, colleagues, family etc etc

    Or do I just chill out, realise my feelings will likely pass and that it's maybe easier to just crush on a boy instead.

    Know what I mean??

    :slight_smile:
     
  6. SHACH

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    OMG Blue is the Warmest Colour is my new favourite film haha. Not that I could really decide on one before. So many emotions! Also, yeah, Adele has a lot of confusion but she really takes everything as it comes, and goes with her heart, which is a pretty good way to be thinking. Well at least in the first half... I'm not too into her thought process after that haha.

    In terms of your questions - chill out and let it pass or have to start explaining stuff... I would be sort of annoyed with myself if I didn't try to pursue her. You may have to explain to people but... probably at some point your going to end up in a similar prediciment and eventually you'll have to explain yourself to people anyway, its not something you can really avoid. You've realised a part of yourself now; you can't constantly avoid it. Crushing on a boy because its "easier" sounds boring as hell and its not really how it works.

    Sure you can let your feelings pass but those aren't the reasons I would do it. I would let them pass if I'd tried and she really wasn't interested, or she was taken. Those things are out of your control. Don't limit yourself. Trust me, I tried to "let my feelings pass" about a friend of mine... I just ended up crushing on another girl and feelings still never really passed... and then they both got together, and it killed me, and I realised that I should have done something when the only thing stopping me was myself. Realising that you fucked yourself over with your own doubts is not a good feeling, trust me.