Hi All, First of all apologies if something really similar has been posted elsewhere and you've heard it all before - although in a way I hope you have, as that would be reassuring! For some time now I've been quite confused about my sexuality. For background, I am a 27-year-old man from the UK, cis-sexual and cis-gender, and to all intents and purposes straight as far as my friends and family are aware. For as long as I've been sexually "aware", I've known that I'm turned on by guys. As I've got older this has not changed a great deal - I find guys attractive in real life, and I've found that same-sex fantasies or porn gets me going. However, the strange thing for me is that this is quite specific - that is, I'm genuinely only turned on by basically the top halves of guys. I've never been with a guy physically, but the idea of involving anything below the waist, as it were, genuinely does nothing for me. Even watching gay porn, once it moves from the foreplay to the real "action", it basically ruins it for me and I turn it off. I don't mean I'm homophobic, it just really really doesn't appeal to me as something I want to do. I also don't see myself being "out" or in a relationship with a guy. But top halves - definitely! Even with friends, which can makes things very difficult, even something as simple as hugging an attractive male friend can cause a certain reaction "down below", if you see what I mean When it comes to women, it's almost as though it's the complete opposite. Sure, I would notice if a woman was attractive in real life, but fantasies and porn to turn me on are really never about women. Yet when I imagine actually having sex, or being in a relationship, my brain automatically goes to women and that is definitely something I want. I'm not put off at all by the idea of sex with a woman! I have also had a couple of girlfriends (years ago) and have had no problems "down below". It seems odd because "bisexuality" to me means an interest in both sexes (though not necessarily 50/50), whereas for me it's almost like my sexual desires are split into two halves, where the things I'm interested in with men are things I'm not interested in with women, and vice-versa. Obviously I don't know what's really going on and I'm reaching out here for any advice from people who may have heard of something like this before. What I'm wondering is if it could be linked to self-esteem issues that I know I have. I generally have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, and this too has been around for a very long time. One of the chief causes of this is my appearance - I'm a little overweight and, even though I'm 27, I'm still having some problems with acne on my face (though this was a lot worse in my teens). So essentially two of the biggest things that affect my self-esteem are my torso and my face - exactly the things that really attract me in men. Could this be some sort of jealousy issue? Does that even happen, where jealousy extends to sexual desires? I have never had any self-esteem issues with my body below the waist, nor have I had any sexual desires for that region - I don't know, but that seems kinda coincidental. The other thing I wondered is if this is still linked to puberty. I know that people going through puberty can get confused about sexuality, but come to settle on their true identity as they get older. If you put together my confusions with the fact that I still suffer from acne, is it possible that I could be struggling to emerge from certain aspects of puberty? Again, I don't even know if that's possible. Anyway, sorry for the huge post and thank you in advance for reading it and any advice you can give me. As I say, I'm not homophobic in any way at all, I just want to know what's going on with me! Please also ask me any questions if you think other information would help to get an idea of what's going on. Thanks, Luke
Sorry for the bump, but anyone able to help me at all with this? Some days this seems like no problem, but on others it really really bothers me :\
My brain used to do the same. Liking the foreplay and all but not getting turned on by the actual deed. It took me a few years before getting aroused by seeing two guys having sex. For me I think this is due to the fact that we are told that sex is something between a woman and a man and performing gay acts is still not seen as normal. If you fantasize touching and kissing a guy intimate but don't like the action below the waist, you might be in the same "phase" as I was. Have you ever had sex with a guy or a girl or have other experiences? Try to meet people, talk about it or write all facts down. This might clear your mind. You could still be very well in the denial phase.
Hey, thanks for replying and sorry for taking ages to respond. I suppose it could be a denial thing, although there is the aspect of wanting the opposite with women, which is odd as there is nothing "wrong" in society with foreplay etc. between a man and a woman! I have never had sex with either a man or a woman. I have had a couple of girlfriends, but it was when we were much younger - we made out, which did turn me on, but nothing else happened. They were short-lived relationships I just keep getting these fears that people know I'm gay (even though I'm not sure of that myself). I hate that because I know they wouldn't mind if I was, as it's nothing bad, but for some reason I just really really don't want people to know. Certainly not until I'm more sure of myself, anyway.
