Okay so, this might be a long post and I'm sorry for that, but here is my situation: I am currently a freshman in college, but last year, during my senior year of high school, I fell in love with this girl and it has been really hurting me so far in my year away from her. Up until I met H. (I omitted her name) I always saw myself as straight. I was not very engaged with boys at my school, I would have "crushes" but never pursue them, I would describe my perfect boy etc etc--never really hooking up with many guys, or going very far with anyone at all. So, in the winter of my senior year, I meet H. and immediately I am drawn to her. She was a junior at the time, and I had seen her around but never talked to her before. After meeting her I wanted to spend all of my time with her always. She made me so incredibly happy that I felt like my happiness was overflowing. Everything in my life was touched by the way I felt. And I honestly, truly, truly think she felt it too. One night, I picked her up around midnight and we raced off in my car, going nowhere, and she grabbed my hand and held it, interlocking fingers, and I felt like electricity was coursing through my veins. And then she told me she couldn't even imagine her life before me. So this was clearly something big on her side, too. The year continued on like that--we were ALWAYS together, and when we weren't we were in constant communication via text. It felt so good and so right. Like everything in my entire life finally made sense. I decided I must be in love with her. I had never felt a love so potent in my life, so it took me a while to come to the conclusion, but once I reached it--I reached it with a stunning amount of clarity. I wasn't even upset that this meant everything I considered to be true about my sexuality was wrong--nothing could be wrong when it felt this good and pure. The only problem then, was her. She still had a year of high school left, and where I was mature and finally coming to this realization of who I was--she still had a lot of the weight of societal expectations on her. I don't think the community would have rejected her if we had been a thing, but I think she would have lost some of her status. We never really sat down and talked about what it all meant, what we meant to one another, but she would tell me she loved me and I heard it with such power that I thought surely we were on the same page. The way she said it was so soft and scared and real. And, of course, I would reply that I loved her back, but I never gained the courage to say "When I say, 'I love you' I mean, 'I am in love with you and I don't ever want any other love for my entire life.'" To this day I hate myself for not having clarified that. So, the end of the school year was coming and I graduated and then was going to be out of town for the majority of the summer and then going away to college. Right before leaving I suggested we right each other letters, praying to God that they would match. My letter told her how I was scared to exist without her and described in detail how it felt every time she told me she loved me. All that cheesy stuff you say when you're in love haha. Her letter was more just a thank you note for our friendship. I came back for a few weeks between traveling and going off to college and she told me she had read my letter and that she felt the same way...but nothing changed. That was as far as the conversation over it went. It started eating me up inside for the longest time. I went to college and we still were communicating at high frequency--texting everyday and calling each other randomly---but she also started telling me about guys she wanted to hook up with and stuff like that. It was such a deep wound haha :/ I came home for thanksgiving break and things between us were great. But we were still just friends, you know? Like I wanted to hold her close and kiss her and do all that stuff and hold her hand and never let go. But it wasn't like that at all, just pals, enjoying each others company. It was bittersweet because, while I loved being around her, I hated the fact that I had exposed how deep my feelings had been and how they had then kind of been ignored. But I felt like we were so far removed from it that I couldn't bring up the letter anymore really. After break we still texted frequently and in such a way that it kind of took precedence over any friendships or bonds I was trying to make. If she texted me, I would immediately stop what I was doing and respond. And then on one obscenely drunk night I kept yelling for her and everyone was like, "Woah, you need to chill about this girl, she is clearly hurting you. You need to let go." I decided that was probably the healthy thing to do. By the end of winter break I told her that I loved her too much and I needed to not talk to her anymore. She said she would give me space and time but she would always be there if I needed her. Then two weeks later I get a letter from her that tears me apart because it describes all the ways she was unsure about what we were and how she had never been in love with anyone so she didn't know what it was like and she wanted to call this being "in love" but it was too soft a term etc. The letter I wrote back was kind of resentful, telling her I thought our "moment" was over and that while it was the most beautiful thing in my life it was so contrived at this point that I didn't know if I could ever return to it. It hurt to write but I truly believed that I needed to let go of her to move forward with my life. So its the last night of spring break tonight and I had made it all the way from that last letter to spring break without anymore communication, but my first night back she texted me saying how she missed me and thought about me often and whatnot and my replies were sparse, trying to signify that I still was not trying to talk to her. Then she called me yesterday and asked if we could get breakfast today, I told her sure. It was going to be good, I thought, like I could FINALLY get it all out and real talk with her about what we meant and be free, but breakfast came and I talked about arbitrary things, not even coming close to talking about my feelings. When we left I felt like my soul was being ripped again. Haha I love her so so much it hurts so bad :/ I go to school 400 miles away and I leave early tomorrow morning and I'm worried that I'll be hurting over her for the rest of my semester Any advice? Sorry this was so long
