Hello, I'm new here and have been reading this site for sometime. I'm approaching graduation from college and am figuring out my orientation. I always used to think it wasn't a big rush, but watching my friends date, I feel a strong desire to have a relationship too. When I was younger in my teens, I was not like my friends constantly talking about girls. When I was around 14, I really liked this sports jock, not yet in a sexual kind of way as I was a later bloomer, but admired his goods looks, charm, and physique. I liked him so much that I wondered if I was gay. The thought made me really upset for some reason, but from what I remember I moved on. I only ever looked at one woman attractively, but I didn't really ever check girls out like my friends. I would look at women in magazines and later after moving to a new high school my junior year, the Playboys I found in the new house left over from the old owner. Yet I still remember on the back of one of them was an amazing looking male underwear model that made me feel very attracted. I started looking at men as well as women in the underwear ads. Hunting around YouTube watching straight love scenes in movies (yes, how scandalous), I stumbled across a gay scene that really turned me on. About this same time I began checking out a few attractive guys at school, and my eyes would focus on them during class. For my final year of high school and now during the last few years of college, I have only ever looked at, thought about, and felt strongly sexually attracted to men. The reason this discovery process took on new urgency was this past year, talking with friends about dating, I began to feel a longing for a partner. No longer was it just physical attraction; I truly wanted a boyfriend to be with, hold hands, and all that sappy stuff. A month ago I was on a field trip with some classmates when they made a joke about a roommate of theirs liking men. I was surprised to hear and asked what they were talking about. They asked how conservative I was. I laughed and said not at all. They then told me their roommate is gay and wants to keep it a secret. They discussed how hard it was for him to tell them, and how many people aren't accepting. They told me not to treat him any differently, which I of course said I wouldn't. What ached the most was wanting to tell them that I felt the same way as this person because I like men too. I've never told anyone, and got closer than ever to saying it, but couldn't get the words out. I was so happy to hear how strongly they supported their roommate and completely understood everything they were describing- How he wanted to keep it a secret, how he didn't want to be looked at any differently. I agreed with their thoughts whole heartedly, but couldn't get the words out of my mouth. And the subject drifted on, and I felt a terrible sinking feeling that I missed the chance to finally say something. But this got me thinking- am I truly attracted to guys? What if I still could like women too? If I say I'm gay will I be locked into that label or category? Why was I attracted to women for the first year and a half, but haven't really thought about them in years? Trying to figure it out, I've thought about women and found the thought somewhat arousing, but I always return to men and feel I prefer them. Just typing this long essay out has been helpful already, and I appreciate the opportunity to discuss this, and hopefully figure out who I am. Best regards, SkyFlyer
