Hey guys, So I'm confused about my sexuality. Well, to be honest, I'm not actually sure if it's confusion, suppression, or just curiosity. Here's a little bit of background first: I'm a 21 year old college student, female, who's never been in a relationship with anyone. I would even push it to say that I've never been on a date either. There was a guy I went to a movie with once, but it never went anywhere, he was kind of an ass (that was back in high school). I was that girl that, according to my friends, got talked about by guys like I was some sort of mystic unicorn or something, but no one ever did anything with. I wouldn't say that I'm drop dead gorgeous, but I wouldn't really know. My mom was the kind of mother who decided to stress my intelligence rather than my beauty because she wanted me to value myself. Not that I'm complaining, but now I don't really know where I stand in that aspect. I never really took an interest in boys, even in high school. I would see my friends with their boyfriends and think, "that's nice, they look happy," but I didn't really want that for myself. I would look at guys and try and pick out features that I liked, I'd study their faces, their bodies, but I could never really see anything that I really liked. I think I tried to tell myself to like certain things because that's what other girls liked. The guys that were fit, did sports, and had at least half of a brain. However, despite any of these chosen features, I never had any sexual interest in any of them. Now really thinking back on it, I would look at girls differently. And not just in the way that girls do, like checking out someone's clothes, outfit, hair, whatever, in an attempt to see if you could pull it off too, but I would look at them and think, "Wow, her boobs look really nice in that shirt" or "Those jeans make her ass look fantastic." Kind of a wondering kind of looking. Fast forward to college, where I put any thoughts of relationships in a dark and dusty corner of my mind in order to make room for all the craziness that is your first year of college. My roommate was awful, but I joined an equestrian team and made a lot of really wonderful friends. (All girls, lol, apparently horses aren't much of a guy thing) I didn't take a liking to any guys that I saw or talked to throughout my first year, but it didn't really bother me, which I think is pretty odd for the average college freshman. At the beginning of my sophomore year, my team got a bunch of newbies, again, all girls, to join. I took a fancy to one in particular, let's call her Girl 1, who was blonde, cute, and had similar past experiences as I did. We became fast friends. Flashback to my past real quick, because I think it may have some relevance. When I was a freshman in high school my parents got a divorce. And believe me, it was NOT civil. Long-ass story short, my father (an avid Christian, unemployed lawyer, and overall narcissist who liked to psychologically abuse my and my mother--"You're going to hell if you don't believe in God" and the oh so delightful disrespect for women in general) went after my mom, nearly breaking her wrist, and was carted off to jail for a few days for assault. Causing my trust in him to completely shatter. A few months pass, and I decided to give him another chance and to gain my trust and respect back. Things were "fine" (and by fine I mean tense, awkward, and overall pretty weird) for a couple months. I would go over once a week to eat dinner with him. One night while I was over there, I decided to stay a couple extra minutes past our allotted time in order to say goodnight to my younger brother who had just gotten in the shower. (My brother, 8.5 years younger, was lucky enough to sleep through the entire assault, arrest, etc. so he knew nothing) For some godforsaken reason, my father flipped the fuck out and began pacing through his apartment in a rage, when he found me in the kitchen, where I'd gone to gather my school things, he grabbed my arm and dragged me out to the door, where he threw (literally threw) me out the door. He was a 6'4" well-built man at the time, and I was a 115 lbs soaking wet track athlete. So needless to say, I flew. My mom and I called the police once we got back home to report it, the officer went to get my dad's side of the story and he lied his ass off. Claimed I threw a "tantrum." Anyway, I haven't had any cordial contact with him since. So, maybe my aversion to men stems from that, but I don't know. Back to Girl 1, the new freshman, in case you forgot. We became close friends, bonding over our shared experiences (her father was extremely abusive, much more physically than mine) etc. At some point, we ended up sharing a bed at someone's house where we had traveled for a riding lesson. I kept to my side of the bed, but at some point during the night she snuggled up to me and we ended up spooning. Now, I'd never done that with anyone before, but it felt so right. So incredibly wonderful to be wrapped up with someone. With another girl. Nothing ever happened between us, she found it funny that we woke up that way, and that was that. For her anyway. I think I fell for her, maybe not love, maybe it was lust or something else, but I would dream about her all the time, etc. I eventually got over it, but I haven't had any interest in guys since. Now I find myself only looking at girls as I make my way across campus, as I watch my favorite TV shows, movies, etc. I've probably watched close to every good lesbian themed movie ever made in an attempt to understand what I'm going through, maybe even find something to turn me away from it, but nothing has. I watch videos of actresses kissing on YouTube because it gives me butterflies in my stomach. I watch videos of men and women kissing, and no such reaction. It's been over two years since I had any sort of intimate dream with a guy, not that I remember anyway (and I almost always remember my dreams). It's always with another woman. The idea of being "gay" terrifies me. And as much as I hate to say it, in a very small part of me, disgusts me. I think it may have a large part to do with the fact that my father always tried and preach the "gay people are heathens and disgusting people" crap. (Despite the fact that he cheated on my mother with men during their marriage, and refuses to accept or admit it, even though there's photographic evidence) It's not that I have ever found gay men or women disgusting, I have always believed that love is for everyone regardless of gender, orientation, or sexuality, but I never thought that it could happen to me. That I'd have to even think about ME being that way. It also bothers me because it makes me think that I share a trait with my father, that this somehow makes me like him. I'm so terrified of "outing" myself only to realize that I'm not into women in the way I think I am and being judged for it. I've never really been afraid of being judged my anyone for anything before, but for the past three years I've gotten some pretty nasty anxiety from it. I'm constantly thinking, "Why did that person just make eye-contact with me? Is there something wrong with me? What did I do to make them look?" I apologize for the length of my post, but I think I really just needed to get it all out there. I hope you found it somewhat entertaining, and perhaps have some advice for me. Thanks
I hope that writing this really long post made you feel better. I know the feeling, just to tell anyone. First of all, congratulations...... you are a lesbian! *does a happy dance and jazz hands* It must feel great to come to terms with yourself, I know that it eventually felt great for me (after going through the 7 stages of grief). It seems like you are coming to terms with it. The same thing happened to me too, I literally cut off any possible interest in men after realizing I was into women. Previously, I did what you did and tried to find things interesting in men, when I couldn't find anything of interest. I do not know how "out" you are in the lesbian community but I think that you will find that when you get a group of lesbian friends that they are all going to have very same stories as you. I fell in love with my best friend when I was 13-14. It is perfectly normal to feel that way about a girl and cuddle. Was she into it when first happened? If she was conscious of it, then I bet you she had some feelings as well. I have a sense that my best friend when I was 13-14 was possibly into me too, but would never admit it and would probably have taken it to her grave. Sometimes other women want to feel what it is like to be with a woman also, even just for the experience to see if they like it (even just cuddling). SO.... here is my advice. Go out and meet some les/bi women and make some friends. There are meetup sites out there where you can join groups for bi/les women. I cannot name website names on here but you can search for one. A lot of people are on a very specific one and I can't give you more information than that. Or, I mean just in general, find some events and meet people. I found that to be very helpful for me. I feel safe being me and it has made me less self-conscious and more proud of being a lesbian. Now it is time to FLAUNT IT!
Thank you for reading my drawn out rant, I think I really just needed to get it out somehow. I'll have to look into the "meetup" sites. It's even difficult for me to muster up the courage to even look at the Pride building on my campus. I feel incredibly alone, but you've given me a sliver of hope. Thanks
Yes, go and search that term you just put in commas. That is all I can tell you. Girlfriend, it takes courage. It is fabulous that you are learning to accept yourself! (*hug*) Why don't you go to your pride building on campus if you have one? No one will judge you, honestly. I mean, who has to know that you are going there anyways? Are there any clubs on campus that you can join? That was the first step for me. I don't know if you know this but LGBTQ+ clubs on campus are private, they do not disclose their member names and everything stays confidential. No one will acknowledge that you are part of it. I belong to a club on my campus and they have their meetings in a private space, and if they are having it in a place with door windows they cover up the door window and close the door. That was the other thing that helped me a lot, just being in the LGBTQ+ club on campus was a big bonus. The best part of it is that you know who is gay and they know that you are but they keep it private. I have class with a bunch of gay friends and it is really awesome that we keep it private. Not to mention, my club on campus is legitimately one of the coolest clubs to belong to on campus.
Thanks for your support, I've really only mentioned it to one of my friends as a hypothetical thing. I told my mom a while ago and she did the whole "love you no matter what" but "keep your heart open" response. Which I'm not entirely sure if that helped or made it worse. I was so prepared for the alternative. Idk. I'll figure it out I suppose. It's kind of weird to be surrounded by support when you can't even support yourself yet
It is perfectly normal to feel that way. I felt that way too at one point. There were times when I really isolated myself to figure it out. You could also see an LGBTQ therapist. There is no shame in that either. I see one. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to frankly, even if it is just one person. PS: Social groups for gay people aren't support groups really, just a way to be around like minded people. The topic of homosexuality is rarely brought up. People are just themselves.
I'll have to look into that. It's hard to talk about it openly though, it makes it real. Sometimes I feel like if it's written down or typed out it isn't real, not yet
Sure, I understand. Just spend time getting to know yourself in reflection if that is what you need. Being happy with your sexuality wont happen over night. Just don't be afraid to be yourself, there are a lot of people out there who have gone through the same thing. You are a very real person with very real feelings and that is perfectly okay.
Sure, I understand. Just spend time getting to know yourself in reflection if that is what you need. Being happy with your sexuality wont happen over night. Just don't be afraid to be yourself, there are a lot of people out there who have gone through the same thing. You are a very real person with very real feelings and that is perfectly okay.[/QUOTE] Thanks, well I should go study lol, I've got finals this week. Oh so delightful. Thank you for reading my post and replying, it really helped me. (*hug*)
