A few months ago I came out to myself in a big revelation and then it wasn't long after that that I told my mom that I am either "bi or a lesbian". I was not really sure which category I fit in at the time and I am glad that I did not rush to label myself. I am only "out" in the gay community which is fine because I have made a lot of lesbian/bi friends. I plan to come out slowly over time but I don't see it as everyone's business. I am definitely not straight, that much is true. After a few months of thinking that I might be bisexual I came to the conclusion that I am most likely a lesbian after looking back at how I have viewed men in my life. BUT I get confused sometimes because there have been a few occasions in which I thought a guy was cute, usually when I was largely attracted by their personality. I also dated a few guys and it did not feel wrong at the time but I also did not feel the magnetic attraction that I do with women. I was out with my lesbian friends last night at a bar and there was a guy hanging out in our group who knew that we were all lesbians. I saw a few women flirting with him, for kicks or if they were genuinely into it I don't know. I also thought that he was gay but now I have an itch that he is bi. At the end of the night I danced with him in a friendly way and we talked for a bit and I could tell he was obviously into me and I was honestly into him too. He was such a gentleman. I was taken back by it though because that is usually not how I feel. I kind of regretted not giving him my number (he never asked but I knew he wanted to). I usually find men butt ugly and get grossed out by the idea of sleeping with one. This time was different. I am a little confused by this..... am I a lesbian? Is this normal? Am I a homo-leaning bisexual and any attraction I have to (a few men) is just not that obvious?
I think that's very normal, or at least I go through it and went through it while identifying as a lesbian I'd still identify as a lesbian if it didn't make people write off my gender identity and treat me like a girl. I think that attraction is exactly as important to your sexuality and identity as it is to you. The person you're attracted to enough that you choose to date and marry them is more informative about your sexuality than the guy you almost gave your number to after meeting him in a club. Also, who are you trying to seek out to start relationships with? If you're primarily looking for women only, I don't think also finding a guy changes anything. If a girl were to tell me "I'm bisexual, but I only found a girl cute a few times because she was really attractive and friendly and other than that I'm exclusively attracted to men" I would probably be confused and doubt she was telling the truth with the bisexual label. That's the reason I chose not to label myself bisexual. The existence of a guy or two I'd felt attracted to wasn't enough for me to want to encourage other guys to romantically pursue me through implying a likelihood that I might be attracted to them, when the reality was that unless they were on a pretty short list of guys, I had no interest.
Thanks for your insight. I think the way you explained it with some bi girls describing how they liked a girl once was a good way to look at it. Just because a lesbian likes a guy or two does not mean that she is bi. I'm closer to a lesbian than anything else and would date a girl over a guy any day, just because that is what I am most comfortable with and more inclined to pursue.
I've been dealing with similar recently - convinced I would probably never go near a guy again after fully recognising how much I fancy women. But then recently I've started having feelings for a guy which has really surprised and confused me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, let alone with a guy, but then I found myself being really drawn to him and wanting to spend more time with him... I'm still making sense of it all, and have been incredibly cautious about the whole thing (I've had a hunch he's been attracted to me for quite some time) - but ultimately these feelings of attraction aren't going away and I think I need to explore them, regardless of label. I want to know him more, but ultimately I want to be with him - and that's all that matters at the end of the day. Life is too short to hem yourself any further in than you need to. I've found a book by Lisa Diamond on women's sexual fluidity really helpful - I don't feel I've changed inside, but rather my understanding of myself has.
Yeah. SInce I've realised that I like girls I really only wanna date girls and I'm pretty sure anything I felt for guys wasn't really anything significant enough to compare but this weird fear that something like what you've experienced will happen to me makes me feel like I have no right to call myself a lesbian and its gonna like, cause me problems. However, it seems pretty stupid calling myself bi but then being like "but dont ask me what sort of guys I like, I just have a general appreciation for male phyisique, I don't have an actual type cos I don't even wanna date them and although I can appreciate a hot guy objectively I can barely pick one hot guy out from the next". Its probably more authentic for all of us to call ourselves lesbians and then just honestly be like "wow, but that ONE guy... I was totally into him".
Yes - "lesbian" has always felt like the closest approximation, but then now I call myself that - I do feel a bit of a fraud to the cause, given I'm seriously contemplating getting involved with a guy... (It's going to be fun explaining it all to him...)
I relate to this a lot. In the end, you're you and you should follow whatever attractions make you feel happiest and work a label around that. But I agree with everyone else that who you are interested in actually being with instead of abstract flirting/etc is probably more telling of your sexuality. Sometimes I worry if I come out with the 'lesbian' label I could run into a guy that would be perfect for me even if I want to be with girls. In the end we're just people and sexuality is complicated, and no labels have to be set in stone. And if you can't see yourself having sex or being in a relationship with a guy then maybe you don't like guys. It's possible to just find someone attractive. You're you and get to decide what you feel most comfortable with though, in the end.
