Life story-LongThread-Sorry - Gay/bi/str8?

First off, this is going to be a long thread. Sorry if that's an inconvenience, but this uncertainty that I've been feeling towards my sexuality has been driving me insane and I need somewhere to post it. I've been reading a lot of posts about those who are unsure of their sexuality in seek of answers, but quite frankly none of them resemble anything near my situation. Also, might I make it clear - I'm in no way homophobic. Although, I was raised in the south and went to catholic school, I honestly never believed any of the things they told me. It never made sense to me. I see nothing wrong with homosexuality. Also, in terms of things like language, there seems to be an unspoken code of formality in the way most of these threads are written. I'll try to keep it as 'decent' as possible, but when it comes to things like sexuality, you can only go so far.

For most of my life, my sexuality has always been something that I've never been able to quite wrap my thumb around. My earliest sexual thoughts that I could ever remember where about girls, sometime around the age of 6. I remember going to bed at night and wondering what it would be like to have sex with a girl, in fact a girl that was several grades older than me (although i can't remember her age). I remember I had the biggest crush on her. I wanted her to be my girlfriend so badly, but I've always been so shy around girls, even now. I remember fantasizing about women my whole life. Wondering what they look like naked, understanding that a vagina was basically just a hole resembling an anus but never truly knowing what it looked like. I remember the excitement that I got from trying to figure out what it looked like. I'd find my mom's clothing catalogs (back in the day early 2000's - 04' 08' ish), and browse them for hours when nobody was around.

This is where the gay/bi? side of me comes in. One day, there was a friend of mine around the same age (7-8ish), who came to my house to play like he did everyday. Although I can't exactly remember the details of the conversation that led to this, I know the gist of it was the two of us wondering what sex was like. Then he proposed the question that went something along the lines of "why don't we try it?". For some reason, nothing in my head questioned it, nothing told me "oh hey, wait, thats gay, that's not who I am". I just said "okay". Now due to the fact that I was like 7, I couldn't really get an erection at that point in time. But we did put our mouths on each others...(again, keeping it decent). Although, there was no physical enjoyment out of it, I still remember it being fun. From that point on, the idea of sex with another male continually popped into my head from time to time for the rest of my life.

Anyways, we can fast forward a little bit, and now I'm in the 4th grade. Now going to catholic school, we always had a weekly mass that we had to attend. Again, me being me, never really cared much for religion. I never saw the good in it, all it seemed to act for was as a vice for people to hate people based on superficial reasons. With that being said, I was often times quite bored in church. Luckily one of my favorite things to do (sexual fantasies), didn't require me to leave the church. I could just sit there and let my head spin. At first, all I ever thought about was girls, but after time, the idea of girls slowly started to turn me off more and more. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue I thought something not exactly but roughly along the lines of "what about boys?" "they have a penis, i have a penis, I know what a penis looks like!!" Then I started to think about boys (but never classmates or people I know. I'd only think of body like figures, i could never picture their faces, in fact thinking about them kind of turned me off).

Now, this is a part that gets kind of tricky. I'm pretty sure the word for it is "internalized homophobia". One day, doing my usual in church sexual fantasy sort of thing, something popped into my head "oh wait. hey, I'm no longer aroused my the thought of girls. BUT I LIKE GIRLS! i want a girlfriend, i want to have sex with a girl. am i gay? i can't be gay, because i like girls! they're so sweet, and pretty!" (again, not exactly, something along the lines of this) So, from that point, I quit having sexual fantasies, I pretty much pushed them out of my head at the thought of them.

FAST FORWARD, now I'm in the 5th grade. I had been using a computer/playing computer gams and browsing the internet on the family desktop for quite some time now. Oddly enough, I never looked up porn (my dad told me he had a software on there that would alert him if I did, even if I cleared the history.. lmaoooooooo..). So I never had any device that I could "privately" use. That was, until I got a PSP for christmas. It had a very poorly designed, but somewhat functional web browser. I couldn't watch videos on it, but I could look at pictures, and that was all that I needed. At first, I never thought of looking at porn on it, but eventually, it happened. Boys are boys, we can block all our sexual thoughts out, but they'll come lurking back one way or another. I started out with straight porn (pictures only), and this my friends, is where I learned about the act of masturbation. I remember pretty much 4,5,6 and even more times I night I would do it. It stayed that way for quite some time. But I noticed, after a while, it wasn't nearly as pleasurable as it was when I first started.

Now, still in the fifth grade, I remember I was watching the movie Bruno and there was the scene when Bruno was showing the pilot of his show to a private audience and in the very end he flashed his penis. I remember getting an almost INSTANT hard on at the sight of it. I'm not sure why, but the idea of it, turned me on beyond belief. But I never thought much of it, I just blocked it out like I did when I was in church.

As we move along a bit more, another thing happens. It was in the summer between the 6th and the 7th grade. During the summer I went to visit my mom who lived out of state. She was doing her residency at the time, and often times had to work 72 hour shifts. This left me a lone, A LOT. Guess what I did alone? I masturbated. Again, it was always heterosexual fantasies. I remember masturbating to my crush at the time (whom i never had the balls to talk to, quite the pattern in my life). And again, the more I did it, the more limp and desensitized that my penis became. Then one day, again, no idea where the thought of it came from, but for some reason, the idea of gay sex had turned me on beyond belief. I masturbated to the idea of having sex with a man for the first time in my life. I remember being so turned on. It felt like the first time that I had ever masturbated all over again. Afterwards, I got the awful feeling. I was disgusted with myself. After the act, it just seemed awful. While I was horny it felt so great, but afterwards. I got this terrible guilty feeling, like I had done something wrong, even though I didn't.

So, like I did in the past, I blocked it out. I didn't do anything homosexual, id block it all out, well, for as long as I could

The next time this happened, I was in the 7th grade. I was looking for straight porn to watch. At this point my penis was barley functional. It took me quite some time to be able to "get off". Might it be mentioned, that by this point in time I got an Ipod touch which I could watch videos on. And like most nights before I'd go to sleep, I'd be browsing all the porn categories I could in seek of new excitement. And one night, I scrolled past the "gay" category. For some reason, something inside of my saw the excitement that it would bring me. So, I clicked on it, watched it, and got off rather quickly off it. And Again, the same thing happened. Feeling of shame and guilt, like I had done something wrong even though I didn't.

From this point on, this became a more common process for me. Although, I still enjoyed straight porn, and for the most part that's what I'd watch, I'd eventually found myself looking at and masturbating to gay porn more and more as time started to pass. It went from something that I did maybe once a week. To every other day. It'd be like one night it'd be to gay porn, then the next to straight. This process continued all the way to now.

I'm 18, in the 12th grade and I have no idea who I am. Yes, homosexual fantasies/porn turns me on a hell of a lot more than straight ones do, but nearly in the same way that straight fantasies/porn does. When I look at a guy in real life, I'm not at all aroused. Sometimes I might say "oh he's a handsome guy." but it never turns me on. infact, the idea of sexual relations with another guy i find rather repulsive for some reason (sorry if that sounds harsh. again, dont hate gay people). In fact, it actually weirds me out quite a bit. I find no emotional connection to other males outside of the realm of friendship.

With women on the other hand, I can't help but be not only attracted to them sexually, but fall in love with them. Have crushes on them, fantasize not just about having sex with them, but spending my time with them. getting to know them. making them laugh. When I'm near a girl (on the rare occasion that I am) I get this either really nervous "oh gosh, what do I say to not seem awkward" or this really "gosh being around her is great". The closest thing I've ever had to a girlfriend was this girl that I knew, who at the time I was "best friends" with. I wanted it to be more than that, but I could never grasp the courage to make it known that I like her out of fear of loosing her friendship as well.

This is where everything confuses the hell out of me. I'm 18 years old and excluding the events that occurred when I was 7, I am what one would call a "kiss-less virgin". That's where the uncertainty comes in.... What if I don't actually like girls? What If I was just conditioned to like them through societal means, and that I've just been in denial my whole life? Its questions like these that I've been asking myself nonstop for the past two weeks, and I mean nonstop. Its all I've been able to think about. The idea of me being gay actually frightens me. Not because of fear of coming out (honestly, couldn't care less), but because to be honest I don't "feel" or "identify" as gay, or even bisexual for that matter. I don't think I could ever bring myself to have sex with another man in real life. I could only ever picture myself with a woman, loosing my virginity with a woman, and spending the rest of my life with a woman.

What do I do? What am I? Who am I? Why can't sexuality just be like in the movies, where you're one way or the other!! This whole concept of "fluidity" is driving me up a friggin wall :bang:

 

Again, sorry for the rather large post. If anyone is willing to take the time and read it, any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you.

 

Second time bumping. Sorry to bother you guys, I just really need some help or advice. Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

 

I've been crushing on someone for quite some time now, and I've always wanted to approach her. I've had several short conversations with her, and I've always been the most awkward I could ever be around her. It's like anytime she says something I can't help but think how cute shit is that it makes me freeze up, and as a result it's like I just turn into this emotionless robot...