I haven't told anyone about this and I need to vent. I'm a 26-year-old female. I've been hurt by men a lot in my life, starting from a very early age. In my childhood, I reacted by being fearful and avoidant of men. My friends were all girls. I may have thought a boy or girl was cute here and there, but when a boy who had a crush on me tried to hold my hand in high school, I felt violated and disgusted. By college, I took the attention from males and used it to try to make myself feel better. I didn't like any of them. My family is very conservative and religious so I have never dared to date a female. I'm a Christian and I have always had to shove the urge out of my head. Also, I feel protective over females and distrustful of men. So I wouldn't have gone out with a female unless I was willing and able to commit. After a handful of intense relationships with men who have hurt me in some way or another (verbal/physical abuse, control, cheating) and who I could never love past the "best friend" stage, I rushed into marriage with a "good Christian man". I thought that committing to this would give me stability and that I would be able to make him happy. I'm miserable. He's in love with me, but he has issues with anger, negativity, jealousy, possessiveness- all traits that I have done anything to avoid. I'm praying for our marriage, and my faith is strong. But I can't shake this feeling that I made a mistake in marrying a man because I will never be able to love him like he wants me to. I'm a calm and kind person so I try my best to make him happy, but I know I don't trust him or respect him. I don't know if I'm bisexual and have been hurt too much by men to be a good wife to one, or if I'm a lesbian and just enjoy close friendship with men but can't love one.
