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Does it make me any less of a man?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Benway, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. Benway

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    I've been thinking a lot about my same sex encounter recently. I bottomed for a guy I've known for about six months and most of the encounter was me performing oral on him. And the thought keeps running through my mind: In taking the feminine role in the sexual encounter, does that make me any less of a man? I can't get it out of my head. I still feel ashamed after I masturbate, every time, but I don't know why. The struggle I hold is still very real, and I keep wondering to myself if it makes me any less masculine in that I prefer the passive role in same sexual relations.
     
  2. Aberrance

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    Of course it doesn't. Your sexual preferences and what you enjoy plays no part in how masculine you are. Sexual interactions are strange, the biggest, touchest guy might find it comforting and comfortable being submissive to his smaller partner which may be completely unlike his role and personality in day to day life. The two don't even have to link. Don't think that you're any 'less of a man' because of what you enjoy in the bedroom because it's not true at all. Just do what you're happy and comfortable with, don't think of how others might see you because unless you tell them they're never going to know.
     
  3. Benway

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    Thanks, that means more to me than you know. It's just something I've been dealing with lately, the emotional repercussions of sex, I guess. I'm not transgender or anything like that, I'm a man, and I always have been and always will be and I'm proud of that; I take great comfort in my masculinity and part of it felt threatened by being the submissive partner in gay sex, maybe. I don't know, I'm rambling about things I can't possibly understand, yet.
     
  4. Euler

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    Try to see it this way. You are doing what you like and not trying to please someone else. So what if you happen to like being more submissive in sex? Doing what you want to do is in my opinion masculine.
     
  5. Inis

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    I do not think there's a link between the way you live your sexuality and your gender: you want what you want and there's anything wrong with that.
    Judging a thing just for men or just for women is cultural and stereotypical, therefore leave these thoughts out of your bed and enjoy the sex as you prefer it.
     
    #5 Inis, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  6. Benway

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    I understand where you're all coming from, but is it common to feel this way after my first homosexual experience?
     
  7. flatlander48

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    B:

    I don't know about common, but I would say probably not unusual. Perhaps as you have more experiences, your thought process might change. You may find that you wish to try other variations. It will be interesting to see how this develops.

    One question came to mind...

    If you were mounted by a female, would we think of her as more masculine? Curious...
     
  8. Benway

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    No, because I'd still be the one penetrating her, do you understand where I'm coming from? And don't get me wrong, I want to have more experiences, but I feel like my masculinity is in jeopardy for some odd reason.
     
    #8 Benway, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  9. Matto_Corvo

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    I never understood why people thought being the submissive is lees masculine.
    You're both men. No matter what role you take you'll still be as manly as when you went in. Just do what you like and try to over think it.
     
  10. Benway

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    Well, I don't really know why it makes me feel that way. When I was doing it, I felt empowered, but after I climaxed I felt silly, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I'm not sure why I always get this ashamed mentality after I orgasm, but I do, and it's something that's very difficult to quell.
     
  11. biAnnika

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    Hi Benway,

    Have you considered this question?

    To you, what makes a man a man? What is the essence of manhood to you? Where does that reside?

    Before you can answer that question, I have no insight into whether *any* act makes you more or less of a man.
     
  12. flatlander48

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    Yes, but recognize that there is penetration and there is control. She might be in control of the situation. Control often goes to the person who seizes it, irrespective of the role one is in.
     
    #12 flatlander48, Mar 16, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  13. Spartan 117

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    Hey Benway,

    I just thought I'd chime in and echo what the others are saying. Whatever 'role' you take in the bedroom has no reflection on how masculine or feminine you are. :slight_smile: In fact, in my experience, there is no correlation between how masculine or feminine someone acts and what they enjoy in the bedroom - despite what you may see in the media!

    The idea of a 'masculine' and 'feminine' role is a cultural one, in my opinion - and ill informed. For some reason, there seems to be this idea that performing oral or being the 'bottom' in anal sex - is weak, or somehow 'extra gay' (which in their mind is a bad thing :icon_roll). This might go some way towards explaining the shame that you feel. However, this idea is rooted in ignorance. These roles can be just as masculine, feminine, and lets face it... fun :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: as any other sexual position. As the others have pointed out, they're not even 'submissive' by nature - there are plenty of ways that you can take control in the bedroom, whatever position you're in.

    It's horrible to feel ashamed and it's probably not something that you can 'fix' overnight - however, be rest assured that you are just as 'manly', whatever sexual activity you enjoy.
     
  14. Creativemind

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    Not necessarily. Women can penetrate men too. It's called pegging and is a fetish common within certain communities. Most people who do it are 100% straight and still follow certain gender roles outside the bedroom (and I happen to know a couple that does).

    Likewise, I don't think being penetrated makes someone feminine or submissive (whether straight woman or gay man). It's just a social construct ingrained in us. People that think penetration is submissive obviously have never met bottoms (or dominatrix's) who direct orders, spank you, choke you, finger your ass, and call you a "filthy bitch who can't fuck right". I would suggest looking up "power bottom" as an example of such a person. There are also some positions that make the receiver more dominant, such as cowgirl/cowboy.

    The idea that penetration is submissive is due to sexism of both genders. In a man's case, thinking he is "less of a man" or worthless. And even in a woman's case, thinking she is a slut, or dirtied/spoiled. Again, they're all social constructs that aren't true, but it is a common misconception to feel this way when you first experience such a thing because the social conditioning is so strong against you. It will take a while to get out of it.
     
  15. Benway

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    I'm not really sure what makes a man, any more. It's hard for me to put my finger on that because a hundred years ago 18 year old men joined the army and went into battle and these days 18 year old men need 'safe spaces' because they let certain words 'trigger' them. I'm not sure that being a man is something that still exists in a society like ours. It's why I've always distanced myself from gay culture, because I feel like by being a part of it I'm allowing myself to be part of a problem rather than a solution. That said, I did enjoy myself, being the passive partner and that's okay, but it goes back to what I initially asked because I'm not sure any more.

    I understand that the roles as described are cultural, but I seek to maintain a sense of that culture in my heart. Like I said, a hundred years ago being a man entailed hard labor or fighting in the war. These days people the age of those soldiers and farmers then can barely function because they 'trigger' so easily to the point that there are no strong male role models left unless they're considered misogynistic or satirical. Part of what I'm asking is does by engaging in this, let's face it, fluffy behavior, am I helping to put down the image of what once made a man even if that's not necessarily what makes a man, any more?
     
  16. AKTodd

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    The whole notion of 'masculine' and 'feminine' roles is must a made up social construct. I was born and raised in Alaska. Where I come from, women hunt down and shoot large animals (then skin them, cut them up, pack the meat out to civilization, and throw it in a freezer). They also fly planes, run dog teams (and win the Iditarod), change the tires on their giant pickups and SUVs in the dark in a snowstorm, do their maintenance on their snowmobiles - and as often as not put on makeup to go out in the evening. Or bake cookies after doing all of the above.

    Your preferred role or activities in bed have about as much to do with the kind of person you are as the kind of foods you like.

    A friend of a friend once told the story of this military guy he knew. Guy was a big, tough bruiser who loved to get in bar fights. And he was gay. Apparently he once made a comment to the effect that there was nothing better than 'bustin heads and suckin dick'. Make of that what you will.

    As far as how you might be propagating some cultural thing you disapprove of because of your sexual tastes - not to be mean, but it is really neither your responsibility nor your business to be responsible for changing an entire culture. Why put that weight on your shoulders when it has no business being there?

    Enjoy what you enjoy as long as you aren't hurting anyone - and stop worrying about whether or not you 'should' be enjoying it.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  17. Justinian20

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    I'd say one thing, if you are a bottom it does not mean your feminine, because sex is like voice in some ways. Using myself as an example, just because I have a masculine voice doesn't mean I'm not a quite feminine guy. It's the same with a feminine voice, plenty of feminine voiced men are masculine. Sex can be exactly the same, just because you are submissive doesn't mean you are feminine, the same with dominant boys, they can be feminine. It just so happens that some people do have things that fit neatly together. But most people are not neat fits.
     
  18. guitar

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    Here's the thing, with two males engaging in interacourse... one of the two is going to be the bottom. That's just how it works. And no, it doesn't make you any less of a man, or less masculine or whatever. Like Spartan said, how masculine you act really doesn't correlate all that strongly in the bedroom. The most "feminine" gay guy I know is a pure top, and I know several "straight-acting" gay guys who only want to bottom.

    I'll never forget when a friend-of-a-friend awkwardly asked me right after finding out that I was gay if I was the "man" or the "woman" in my relationship at the time. I responded with the classic line "we're both guys, that's kind of the point."

    Nobody besides you, your partner, and your doctor need to know what your preferred position is. Just saying you're gay is fine. I don't flaunt my preferred position around to everyone. If you want to find out, date me. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  19. biAnnika

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    Well, hon, if you don't even know what a man is, and you're not even sure if such things exist nowadays, then why on Earth are you worrying about whether what you did makes you less of one?

    Besides, I didn't ask what society should consider to be a man, or what it has traditionally considered to be a man. I asked you "what is the essence of manhood *to you*?"

    If you can't answer this, then I cannot answer your question...and (in such a case) I question your desire to have it answered.