I’ve been reading a lot of people’s stories on here and can relate to a lot of what people are saying. It has been such a comfort to me that I thought I’d share my own little journey too. I was a tomboy growing up and although I have vague memories of feeling this shot of fear go through my body every time the subject of homosexuality came up, it really didn’t dawn on me that I might be attracted to other girls until I was about 20. I was never boy crazy when I was growing up but I did date and I had always liked guys… Then roundabout 20 year olds, I found it just sort of became a bit of a given that in a relationship, there was going to be sex. Then I realised that something was up. The problem was that as soon as I kissed a guy I just knew there was nothing there. I’d find myself making excuses or demanding that we ‘take things slowly’ to avoid sex. It took me a while to figure out why I didn’t want to go there. You know, I was afraid to even fantasise about girls at that stage, like on a visceral level I just knew I was bi or lesbian and was terrified of it. I also found it impossible to articulate what I was feeling and still thought of myself as straight but strange. When a close friend came out to me as bi, I figured that I was probably bisexual too and eventually came out to her when I met my first girlfriend. I also came out to my family as bi, which is where things got incredibly confusing for me. My parents pointed out that if you are bi then surely you can just ignore your lesbian side and date guys… unfortunately, for me, it has not been so simple. I am mostly out but incredibly uncomfortable with my sexuality, I don’t understand why I feel like this and I have started compartmentalising to cope. I feel like the part of my life where I pretend to be straight is a lie and I feel like the part of my life where I desire women is second nature and yet I am deeply ashamed of it. I just don’t know how to make those two worlds connect and still ‘survive’ when I really don’t want to be a lesbian. Even after me and my first girlfriend broke up (because I could not imagine a happy future where I settle down with a woman etc), we remained best friends and I have been fine. Then, years after the breakup, I started dating one of my best male friends and me and my ex-girlfriends friendship has imploded (due to jealousy). Despite having been happy with him before my best friend dropped me, I have been aching for some female company since. I was only happy in my relationship with this guy when she was a part of my life, even though we hadn’t slept together in years, the emotional intimacy was still there. Where I am confused is, I would prefer to date guys but I really struggle to get aroused with them and I can never seem to climax because there is this huge emotional void there. All other aspects of the relationship can be great and I still feel weird about kissing or showing affection to men. On the flipside, I often feel intense chemistry with other women. They make me feel that sort of limerent, ‘I can’t get you off my mind’, ‘I want you so bad’, type of magnetism. I still want to settle down with a man though… it absolutely tears me up inside that I can’t easily get turned on by guys. I have been sort of out for years, what I am really trying to get a handle on is what kind of a future I could possibly have with a woman? I feel like spending my life with another woman would open me up to so much ugliness from other people. I feel like I meet so many lesbians that are only about drugs, partying and sleeping around and I don’t feel like I belong in that world. I just want to be with someone sane, who looks after themselves and has a half decent job and good future ahead of them... I can't picture that with a woman but I can't keep avoiding sex or have bad sex my whole like either. I want both and neither. Please help...
