Questioning, but Confused

Hi everyone!

I don't know how to start this, but I feel like I really need some help regarding figuring out my sexuality. It really is hard for me.

So, I've thought that I was straight for a long time. Up until I was 17, that is. Until that point, I had three straight crushes, I think. Then I was starting my senior year in high school, and I had a crush on a boy in several of my classes. I knew who he was: he was friends with my sister, and I've had few classes with him since my sophomore year in high school. Now, this was so shocking to me, as I hated him. He would, along with his friend, tease me. Like, they would make silly gay jokes at me: ask me if I was gay, or if I loved them. The boy I had a crush on even went as far as to show me a (ahem, excuse me) a p-e-n-i-s pic in my junior year trig class. This stuff really annoyed me, but in my senior year, we both had a pre-calc class. His friend wasn't in our pre-calc class, so he wasn't annoying when his friend was around. Like, peer pressure or something. He started being all nice to me, which was weird at first, but I liked this side of him. I remember him saying to me "Your butt looks good in those jeans." I was thinking, WOAH, what? That's when I thought if he liked me, and it made me like him more. I don't fully remember what made me have a crush on him now, but I remember trying to talk to him and checking him out. All the while, I was freaking out at what I was doing. Yet, it didn't feel weird. I don't know.

I know that I'm talking a lot about this guy from high school, like he means something to me. I'm not so sure anymore, but I do wonder what "could of happened," you know? Like, I'll rarely miss him.

Anyway, after that, I was in college. Sure enough, I was questioning who I was. I felt like I wasn't straight anymore, but bisexual. I have watched both kinds of "videos," if you know what I mean. It feels inappropriate saying the actual words on a public forum. But the same-ones I find more interesting than the opposite-ones.

Now, I find myself looking at guys a lot more than girls. It could be anywhere, and I'll catch myself glancing at some guy I find "cute." It's like I hate myself for it. Sometimes, I'll see some guy who is attractive and "wish" I was in a relationship with him. *Sigh*. I rarely find myself glancing at women. If I do, I don't punish myself for it. In terms of relationships, I will admit that I have looked at gay couples and gotten jealous. Very. This is so bewildering to me. I have no idea why I felt that way. Then I look at straight couples, and I either get a little annoyed by them, or don't care. I feel like a relationship with a guy would be dangerous and exciting, but right? I feel like a relationship with a woman would be boring, or dispassionate. I generally feel like I want a relationship with a man more than a woman, but it's like I'm scared to (my social anxiety doesn't help, but that's another story). What is that all about?

I've even gone so far as to think about how I felt as a child. It scares me remembering that I have looked at few girls as "pretty" and some boys as... "interesting?" I remember calling girls "pretty" if I liked them, but never thought anything of boys. I guess I was too little, or unaware. Now that I look back, there were some boys that caught my interest. It's so hard to explain, it's frustrating me now. I would say this was probably in elementary and junior high school. Maybe I'm my first three years of high school too? I don't know.

I remember recently reading something about what to ask yourself if you are unsure of your sexuality. I remember one of the questions was something like, "Who do you find yourself looking at more?" It sounded so general, but I find myself looking at guys more. What I felt after was shame, frustration, and maybe guilt. Why did I react this way, I don't know.

That is my story. It's probably not all of it, just what I felt (and remembered ) in the moment. I'm sorry if it's like an essay, but I feel like I needed to say this!

 

Hi everyone!

I want to say that your answers are so wonderful and caring! They help a lot!

rhapsodic and yeahyeah, I feel that it could be an issue of self-acceptance. I don't know. I do not feel 100% straight, though. I'm worried if I'm making a big deal out of this, although that's who I am: a worry wart!

CharacterStudy, I'm 19!(I forgot to put my age on the side) I have not had any relationships with men or women yet. Dating in general seems hard for me, but I want to try it. Ah..
Anyway, I don't think I can see a counselor yet. I think I'm not sure who I would see. Perhaps you know? I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea at the moment.
I don't feel too bothered calling myself bisexual, but I'm a little uncomfortable with gay, and I don't feel straight. Still generally uncomfortable with all this. Ah.
I don't have any LGBT friends, unfortunately! The thing is, I wish I did. I have had a few number of students in classes in my college who mentioned they were gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc. during some discussion at some point. Even now, there is a gay and lesbian student in my WGSS class! There are definitely LGBT students in my college. I'm not sure what to do with that!
I have considered watching LGBT films before! I just don't know how to watch them without my parents finding out. I avoid Netflix because, you know, they're on it a lot. I'm sure they would be like, "Why are you watching these movies?" Anyway, I would like it if you could recommend some! Maybe where I could watch them as well?

 

Hi CharacterStudy! I finally got around to watching one of the films you recommended! I've had so much work from school this week. Ugh.
Anyway, I found almost all the films online (except for London Spy and Freirfall)! Funny thing is, most of them I found on Netflix too. I wish I could watch there. Much more convenient...
I just watched Shelter, and I have to say, I loved it. It was stirring my emotions, something I don't get watching regular romance films. I am scared how I'm feeling right now. Honestly. I laughed and smiled along with Zach and Shaun. I felt Zach's discomfort. A lot. Feels familiar, yet it looked so normal and so nice. I liked it, and it also scared me. Hrm. Hmmmm...

Well, I'll get around to watching the others! Thanks for the recommendations!

Hi CameOutSwinging! I totally agree with what you're saying. Being LGBTQ is not "normative" in our society. Everyone assumes everyone is straight. You definitely see it in the media. There's an awful lot of straight romances, although I have seen more shows in recent years adopt more gay relationships.

 

Yeah that's why I liked Shelter. There's more to it than just romance. There's other life situations. So it kind of feels even more normal with Zach struggling to get into school, or, like you said, Jeanne trying to find a good job and settle down!

So, there's two parts of my answer to your question: What scared me?
So, Part I would be yesterday, right after I watched the movie. I saw Zach and Shaun in their relationship, and at the end of the movie, I thought to myself, "That looks scary." I'm thinking that, for me at that moment, picturing me in a relationship with another man scared the c-r-a-p out of me. Like, it looked hard for me. Like, I couldn't do it. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel right. Am I making sense?
So, Part II would be yesterday (from 8PM?) to today. My sister was talking about how her friends "tricked" her into making some sort of dating profile or something. It was some dating thing. Anyway, she was texting (I guess on some app?) with this guy who asked her on a date. All I could think of from that moment until today (It's 8:36PM right now, so about 12 hours?) was being in a relationship with another guy. I pictured a kind of relationship Zach and Shaun had. Like, sort of secret, but full of fun and understanding. And love. And both of us a little confused. This time around, I'm still scared, but I'm... longing? Is that the right word? Longing for a gay relationship? I don't know. When I think about a gay relationship (like right now) I get scared and a little excited/happy. Thinking about bring in a straight relationship doesn't make me really feel like that. Am I making some sense? It's hard expressing these kinds of feelings right now. It feels emotionally hard. I'm feeling a bit mad for some reason. And sad. Ah.

Well! I am going to do something happy. Have to cheer up a bit! To much brooding in one day.

 

Maybe it was initially a fear reflex. I never felt a desire to be in a gay relationship as I did. It was a new feeling I guess. So maybe that's why it was scary? It feels wrong to tell someone that I'm figuring out my sexuality. Like, if I were to meet someone. I feel, though, that if I had formed a relationship with another man, then maybe it would offer clarity? Like, I would know.

What is weird is that I still feel like it's wrong, but I now feel a sense of right. And I keep switching between the two. It's wrong. No, it's right. No, it's wrong.

I'm looking forward to watching The Sex of Angels and the other films.

 

Hi SHACH, sorry I didn't respond earlier. I've been drowning in school work these past two weeks. Agh. Anyway, we both seem to have very similar experiences! The only thing is is that you are dabbling in this other side. I'm not, but we both seem to be leaning toward the fact that the opposite sex just does not look appealing anymore. I totally agree with what you said about how some man looks good but there's a woman that you could be with. I feel that way a lot. I've seen many pretty girls in college. I will even say to myself, "Wow she's such a pretty woman," but that's it. If I talk with someone who is "pretty," they're just a friend. "Straight" relationships seem a bit bland to me, and quite annoying. For instance, last week I saw a straight couple kissing on a bench outside one of the buildings of my college. It was "meh." Kind of bothered me for some reason.

CollegeStudy, thank you for recommending more movies! I haven't been able to watch any more, nor come onto here for awhile, and I'm sorry about that. I hate not answering people for too long. So this is weird posting this, but it feels relevant to finding my identity. Okay. So I go on this site called Experience Project where you can join groups like "I’m shy" or "I Think I'm Bisexual" and you can post your own personal experiences in the group. There's a main page where you can see different kinds of experiences from people. Anyway, I was in a group "I Like Minecraft" and someone messaged me if he could play MC with me. I looked through his profile and he was in some of the same groups as me. One of them he was in was "I'm gay." We both saw our profile pics on EP, and I'm not going to lie. I found him very attractive. We've been voice chatting on Skype and playing MC for about a week now, and I know the dangers of talking with people online. But, when I talk with him, I enjoy it. What's worse is that we've talked about more sensitive things, and when he messages me, I get all nervous and excited. I'm not letting these feelings come over me because unless I actually meet in person with him (he claims to be in Long Island, and I'm in NYC) then I remain skeptical. The internet thing aside, I think I'm having a crush in the making, only I'm refusing to accept it because I don't know this person... because there's days where I think about him and smile, and there's days where he is just another person I met online. This is so weird, and I feel stupid saying this. I notice myself think about him, or picture bring in a relationship with him. It feels so silly given the circumstances, but I wish it could happen. Now, ever since then, I feel like I am gay, and I've had moments where it felt good and it felt "meh." Soooo, what do you make of this? Dx

 

Thank you. I think we are in the same boat. For me, being in a relationship with another guy sounds nicer than being in a relationship with a woman. Maybe one day I'll realize that what I'm feeling is valid, and go in that direction. Right now, though, I'm stuck, and it bothers me. It's like I know, and yet, it's not real? Kind of hard to explain.