Up until a year ago I had never questioned my sexuality. I had been in a few relationships with girls as a teenager, the last one that went on for 4 years and ended when I went to college. Had a few crushes on girls after that but never did anything as I was still invested in my ex. I am now living in a student accommodation with 4 friends of mine from school. I went to a boarding school so am very close with the people I am sharing with. Recently, at the start of this year my best friend came out as gay and strongly implied that I am as well. We have always been extremely close, seeing as we have lived together for close to 7 years. :smilewaveHe seemed to expect that I wanted to be with him and would regularly be suggestive towards me and sometimes pinch my ass etc.. (I told him to stop) He would also say certain things like "hin is the gayest of the group" and once while having dinner with my friends he said that I was gay and everyone went quiet and looked at me. I'm pretty self concious so didn't know how to reply. First I would like to say that I would in no way be against myself being gay, I am very accepting and have no qualms about it! Since then I have been really paranoid that everyone assumes that I am gay, constantly checking myself to see if I have or am acting/sounding gay. The anxiety behind it overtook my life and I fell behind on college assignments and got pretty depressed as I couldn't find an answer and would not stop thinking about it. Living with my friend didn't help the situation as whenever I talked to him about it he would assume that I am afraid to come out and then come on to me stronger. I'll admit to have kissing a male friend on the lips last year in college. (Peck on the lips while very drunk) But I didn't think anything of it other than being in college and 'experimenting' for the fun. Although I was pretty close to this guy and felt bad when he started to hang out with me less. I am not against kissing another guy, but I don't want other people jumping to conclusions about me because most already have. The thing is that when I relax and feel at my most confident and feel like myself I am much more attracted to girls. I know it's a bad indicator but have always been aroused by straight porn and fantasies, have tried gay porn and fantasies but I get no reaction. This has been going on for so long that I want to find an answer, I feel that because everyone thinks I am gay I must be, and that I should be with my friend but it causes me so much anxiety that I can't speak. I have never noticed myself being attracted to a guy before, but I feel that I should just try it seeing as everyone thinks that I am. Though I don't really want to at the moment. I feel awkward bringing girls back as well because I feel that my friends are judging me and I'm hurting my best friend. This is really affecting my relationships with my friends and family, I feel a massive amount of pressure from my friends whenever I go home. I don't want to hurt anyone but in return I'm hurting myself. I would really like some help, Thanks!http://emptyclosets.com/forum/images/smilies2/smilewave.gif
Not sure if I'm confusing anxiety for potential attraction..? I have pretty low self-esteem so when people ask if I am gay I think about it far too much, even though if I look back at my previous experiences it would indicate otherwise. Pretty confused. I feel that if I was attracted to guys I would know or have realised to some extent by now. It is only because of the pressure by my friend and people asking that I am questioning, not of my own accord. Or maybe they see something in me that I don't..?
Oh you poor chap. That sounds like a really confusing and awkward situation. Also very frustrating as the more you protest the more they think you're repressed. Do I understand it that - for most of your life you've been attracted soley to girls. You had a drunk and non-sexual kiss with a guy at school, and now (based on that evidence) your friend, with whom you live (always tricky) and who now identifies is gay, is telling both you and your friends that you are gay. OK. You sound fairly straight to me, and you definitely sound like this situation is causing anxiety. On the other hand I suppose it's possible that you could be pretty deeply repressed... Maybe some LGBT friendly counselling could help, I'm sure your uni will have something. A few questions to try to understand more... - Why, apart from alcohol, did you kiss that guy at college? Did you ever feel there was a spark or something between you? What happened after? In modern Europe kissing a guy on the lips in fun is not unusual. - Is this the only evidence that guy has to support his idea that you too are gay? - Have you ever felt anything romantic or sexual for men, checked them out in the street, or admired their physique just a little bit too much? Sounds a bit to me like your flatmate fancies you, read more into that school kiss than there was, and came out, hoping/assuming you'd follow. Have you seen any signs that he fancies you? He's also being an insensitive ass. But the fact it's making you SO anxious could either be (1) you have a tendency to anxiety, or (2) he's hit a nerve. A very deeply buried nerve. Sounds more like anxiety to me. ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 05:33 PM ---------- I had a similar(ish) thing at school when a girl (who later turned out to be a lesbian) got hold of the wrong end of the stick about me and told everyone I was a lesbian. This is years ago and in a not very open environment. I had a boyfriend at the time but people thought he was a beard! He very very definitely wasn't. However much I protested no one would believe me, some were unkind, only one person was supportive, but even she thought I was hiding when I denied it. I wasn't too bothered, being fairly confident. I actually found it a bit funny, and I certainly had a giggle when I learnt later the not very surprising news that the girl who did it is now gay. I went on to have quite a number of relationships with men, and identify as straight. I am happily married to a guy. I am also a big LGBT ally. (Now you're probably wondering why I'm on empty closets: Long story. Writing a story about a bisexual guy, got so far into his head that I started to notice women more, and had a little panic. Still don't know if any confusion I feel is due to the writing process, or my choice of topic/character is perhaps revealing something about me... Now that's a confusing situation!)
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your best "friend" has been acting like an asshole. Even if you *were* secretly gay, it would be very rude of him to out you to others. And hitting on you after you've told him to stop is harassment. He needs to knock it off and apologise. Why are you so concerned about his feelings when he clearly doesn't care about yours? It's great that you're open-minded, but like you say, if you were gay then you would have probably figured it out by now. You should just date who you want to date. Talk to people about it and clear up the rumours as much as you can. Don't let others get inside your head so much - you know how you feel better than anyone else. And on the off chance that you do some day fall for a guy, that's fine too. Sexuality doesn't have to be 100% black & white and set in stone. But given that you've been exclusively been attracted to women up till this point, I don't think you need to waste energy thinking about distant possibilities.
Thanks for all of you replies! Yea that's basically the crux of it. For as long as I remember I have been attracted to girls (That I know of). When I was younger 7/8 I remember being interested in pictures of girls in bikinis etc. Also I remember having a crush on Eva Longoria and Angelina Jolie when I was younger. Although I never went through the phase a lot of guys go through when they think girls have 'coodies' and are 'disgusting', and I have read that is common in gay people..? - I know that my friend is attracted to me, since coming out he has been really suggestive and actually said in front of two of my friends after a night out that he was expecting to come back and kiss me. He always goes out of his way to be with me and would in the past wait for me outside his room when I am going to my bedroom at night. This happened really often, perpetuating my anxiety and making me question things even more. To answer your questions: Originally we were at a party and this guy kissed all of the guys and girls on the lips. As a result I didn't think much of it when he came up to me in the club looking for another peck. Apparently this happened again another night but I don't remember it. He once tried to kiss me open mouth but I stopped him. I never felt a spark or thought about the kiss afterwards. Though I always got on well with him and considered him one of my good friends. Seems that my best friends through my life have always been gay or at least bi.. Could that be an indicator to my sexuality? Can't think of anything else that could support it. Although I did want a hug from said friend after breaking up with my girlfriend. I have never been a macho guy, more effeminate and in to art etc. Can't think of any time that I have checked a guy out too much. I can acknowledge when a guy is good looking or has a good body but never felt any sexual attraction. I remember looking at my brothers friend a good bit, but I feel that this was because I though he was pretty cool and had a good looking girlfriend etc. I feel that I would have an inkling of whether I was gay or not seeing as I was in a boarding school and lived showered and slept in the same room as other guys for 7 years. I have always been pretty shy and not very good in social situations, not good at talking to girls and always have been anxious to make the first move. I have been using alcohol a bit excessively to give me confidence in social situations, so I am prone to anxiety. It could be that I am just in denial and repressing my feelings. Since this whole situation has come about my libido has massively decreased, to the point where I am lying in bed with a girl I have always been attracted to and never had any problems with before, but I am so anxious and unsure that I can't do anything. I have also avoided going on dates with girls I am interested in because I don't want to make a wrong decision and embarrass myself. Though at the times where I have felt relaxed and normal I am turned on by women. Pretty confusing situation, it has gotten to the point where I feel there is a chance that I could be interested in men because it has gone on for so long. Though it goes against what I have always felt and I have never felt anything clear or had a noticeable attraction to men. I'm obviously not 100% straight as this is such an issue for me and I don't mind kissing a guy on the lips. But I feel I'm mostly attracted to girls. I have always massively admired my best friend as he is a very intelligent and funny guy, we have always gotten on very well and been very close. Could it be that my admiration for him is confusing me..? Thanks again for your replies! Very sorry to hear about your own confusion, I hope you figure it out soon and the story is going well!
Your "Best Friend" is a dick. He's being manipulative and is behaving in a very inappropriate manner.
Yes, I am sorry but your best friend really is being an arse. If you heard this story about another guy, or another girl, and your friend was acting like this towards them, what would you say? He may have a slight excuse if he's got a thing for you, but that's still no reason to try to manipulate and bully you - which is what he is currently doing. It sounds like you could do with some help managing your anxiety. Can your college refer you, or does it have any support services? From your last reply - not sure if I have understood, but are you wondering if you are somehow attracted to your friend? What is making you think this?
Hey, To be honest you don't sound particularly gay or even bisexual. Kissing a guy on the lips is not a proof of being a gay. It used to be a custom for example in the Soviet Union among leaders of the socialist countries and they weren't exactly gay. This practice was called the "socialist fraternal kiss". What do you normally think about when you masturbate? This is probably the best quick test although it's not 100% certain. Try imagining masturbating to girls and guys at separate days and see which feels more pleasing and natural to you. Also, try to see if you feel shame when masturbating to guys. On an entirely different note, this friend of yours is acting like a bully. It's not his job to decide are you gay or not and certainly not to broadcast his impressions around. Do you think he would appreciate if you went telling him that he is actually straight and is just acting gay to attract attention or it's just a phase? No, he would be crying homophobia and discrimination. Just because he is gay doesn't give him a free pass to be a bullying jerk. You need to tell him to stop calling you gay because you are not and his bullying behavior is causing you stress. If he refuses, threaten to take the matter to the university authorities and do it if he still doesn't stop. This is bullying and harassment. If necessary, change the dorm where you are living or better still, have him change the dorm. It's the bully who should go, not the victim. As you said you have general anxiety problem and that dick friend of yours is just making it worse. I recommend you contact the university psychologist to discuss your anxiety and low self-esteem issues. Those both are treatable conditions but you need to seek help. The university psychologist can help you. Also anxiety and depression can affect your interest in sex and relationships so even if you have lost your interest in girls it is very likely because of your circumstances and not being gay. Finally, don't worry. You probably don't even appear gay so don't get anxious about that. If you did it would have been clear from early on. This friend has probably a crush on you and he just wishes you were gay so that he would have a chance with you.
Previously I would exclusively masturbate to straight porn and use straight fantasies of my ex-girlfriend etc. As I have said I have tried masturbating to gay porn and using gay fantasies but I can only get semi-erect (I think because of the movement) and do not feel in to it at all. I didn't feel shame when I tried this. Could that be an indicator? I never had a problem with straight porn up until a few months ago when I thought to myself 'if you were gay, you wouldn't be able to get erect from straight porn' as a result I would overthink everything and find it difficult to become erect at times. Though when the thoughts of me being gay are out of my head I would have no difficulty. I don't masturbate often at the moment as I have lost my libido, though when I do it is still straight porn and fantasies that work. I guess I am wondering if I am attracted to my friend at this stage, it has been going on for so long that I am considering it. Whenever I am with him I feel really anxious and go back in to my shell, could that be a sign of attraction but too afraid to admit it? I feel that it should feel right and I should be confident about it if I was attracted.. I had never even thought that I could be attracted to guys before this came about, though I know it is not uncommon for people to learn this about themselves at a later age. I still wish I was back with my ex-girlfriend from time to time, we had a really good long relationship and I had never any difficulty with attraction with her. I don't know where I stand anymore..
I hear nothing to indicate that you are gay, bi, or attracted to your friend. I concur with the others that your friend sounds, basically, like an asshole. The problem is, if he's got the hots and is convinced you are gay, no matter what you say it may not convince him. So if he doesn't let it go, you may have to let the friendship go.
Coming back to this post as things have transpired since. Since last posting things haven't gotten much better. I have been going through life at a distance. Not really knowing where I stand and still constantly checking myself. My libido has massively decrease to the point that I don't feel any sexual attraction, but it can be forced when watching straight porn. I have no desire to be with any women, even my ex girlfriend with who I had a great relationship and previously my heart would jump whenever I saw her. Maybe I am realising that I am somewhat curious and accepting that it really isn't a big deal. I don't know what to think. I was at a bar last night, talking to a gay guy who outside of the bathroom and when I went in he said he'll come in as well. I didn't really mind so he came in and we both went to the bathroom separately. Anyway now a lot of people actually do think that I am gay as we both came out at the same time. What to do..?
You almost sound like you're forcing to 'become' gay. Whatever your "friend" has decided about your sexuality has nothing to do with you, just what he wants from you. He isn't thinking at all about you and is only doing this out of selfish reasons. You're going to need to try have a serious talk with him and explain exactly how this is hurting you. If he still doesn't care, then he's clearly not a friend worth keeping. Personally I don't think, from what you've told us, that there's any reason for you to be gay or bi but that's truly only for you to know right now
