Hey everyone. Basically when I was around 11 or 12, I was exposed to gay porn, and I DID masturbate to it freely, not nearly as much as straight porn, but gay porn was there, and it didnt really effect or wow me, i just saw it on an equal level with gay porn. Now also around this age, maybe 13, I was falling for a girl, but that's irrelevant. The real issue is, around 13/14, i was overweight (almost obese) and just sat on the computer for hours at a time. I then would masturbate with SPECIFICALLY, older, fatter men over webcam. (sounds fucked up I know). At that time I guess I had a very low self esteem and recognised that men that were the "same" body type and were older were the only ones fucked up enough to do this. It was never the "thought" of older men that turned me on, since I did it fully for the physical sensation. Ultimately I JUST THOUGHT I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUNGER, FITTER males. . In the bigger picture, I am attracted to feminity (had a major crush on this fem guy around this time last year) in both men and women. But for some reason, I dont get turned on at all when I see just a regular naked guy. , but I do however, when I see an naked older "bear" type male. Even now, I dont know of my sexuality. The signs are clear that im Bi, but I went to an all boys school when I started to like this feminine guy, and I had no game nor connection with any girls whatsoever. Does this just mean I was in biological need of connection with a body of femininity (male to female connection), but the only thing that had that femininity was a male? Do I have daddy issues or something that caused me to be sexually attracted to older, chubby men? Did watching gay porn hurt my innocence and therefore i'm ultimately bisexual? Just in need of some advice, thanks guys. In retrospect, im looking to seek a psychologist soon. Currently im on my journey to quit porn and create a better life for myself, and ultimately become successful in everything I do. Change is the hardest part of human nature.(!)(!)(!)
Watching porn in general hurts your innocence. If you're asking whether it turned you gay (bi), I don't think it did. Having continued watching gay porn means you enjoyed it and had been bisexual all along. Overweight DOES affect your self-esteem and in your case did. So I'll state the obvious and advise you to get rid of everything that makes you uncomfortable with your physique. I also noticed you are attracted somewhat to the "extremes", liking both femme and over-masculine guys. That's alright, everyone's entitled to be preferential and no one's going to judge you for it, nor do you need to change that. With regard to your sexuality, it is you who ultimately knows what gender are attracted to. My final thoughts is that you should start building on your self-esteem and never turn back to where you've been and regretted.
There is no such thing as a biological need to femininity. Many straight men are only attracted to masculine women. That isn't how the brain or sexuality works. So no worries. Going to an all guys school has no effect on sexuality. Hard to say either way, but it doesn't sound like it from what you have explained. Some people are simply attracted to bear and daddy type of guys. Its not unusual at all and it isn't caused by anything specific. Depends on what you define innocence. If you mean it as pure of sexual thoughts, then I guess so. But in that case, how is porn different from a sexual fantasy that you jack off too? Either way, porn is unable to change your sexuality. It sounds like you are starting to find yourself in more ways than one. Its hard to say to relax and enjoy what you are attracted, but seriously try. There is no shame in liking bear type guys or feminine guys. Just enjoy try to enjoy it
