Last year, I had my first, full-blown, real crush. And I swiftly crushed my crush underfoot because it was on a girl. Now, she and I have broken up. But I still haven't found out what my sexuality is. Before, I just assumed I was straight. I had never and still haven't experienced sexual attraction to anyone, so I threw myself into the default bucket. Obviously I don't belong there, but then where do I go? As I said, I don't really experience attraction. I can see someone and think, "Oh, they are pretty/handsome/whatever", but I've never really understood the way other people see it, the whole "I'd tap that", "they're so hot", "they have such a nice butt"... The whole mentality seems so foreign to me. I feel that I could be in a romantic relationship with either sex, so that makes me bi, right? But I don't really feel the need to have sex with anyone. Sometimes the idea of it makes me uncomfortable or disgusted. When I was with my girlfriend, I often felt really confused, because I wasn't sure if I was really sexually attracted to her. I thought that if I was romantically attached to her, then I must be sexually attracted to her as well. And sure, I wanted to cuddle and kiss and hug, but sex? I was indifferent sometimes, repulsed by the idea other times, and, for the most part, could think of many other things I'd rather do with her than that. We did end up doing it once. It was nice. It felt good. But I couldn't imagine going crazy over it like some people do. I would be okay if I never had it again; I wouldn't miss it in the slightest. But I wouldn't be okay with never having another romantic relationship. I like being with someone romantically. I feel like those two ideas are conflicting. I've toyed with the idea of being asexual. But I am worried that identifying as this would be a lie. I was raised and am still in a sex negative household. I was taught that sex was a terrible thing that bad, nasty people did and that it was only acceptable during marriage. Masturbation and sexual thoughts were no-nos too; in fact, they were just as bad because they tainted purity in the exact same way. I'm still not allowed to wear tampons because I'll "lose my virginity" (that boat has sailed, but whatever). I've dismissed all of this as bullshit now that I'm older, but I'm afraid that deep down, I still cling to these ideas. I'm afraid that the root cause of my apparent asexuality is my own mental repression of my sexual feelings. And yet, it doesn't feel that way. So yeah, to put it simply, I am possibly bi or possibly broken. I need help deciding between the two.
Sometimes relationships just move in such a way (be it too fast, not compatible, etc) where physical intimacy will feel *wrong*. This doesn't speak for all of you or all of that person. I have had people that I have very much been interested in, friends with, etc. but something just felt "off" about the relationship/them. Many people do not feel great attraction (myself included) on an impersonal level. I look at women and can be "attracted" to them, but this often doesn't mean I want to just have sex with them. I want to get to know them, develop feelings for them, etc. I am much more into someome who is both physically attractive and emotionally/personality attractive. I wouldn't worry *too much* about labeling or figuring this all out right now. I don't consider myself asexual but I definitely feel like if I never had sex, I'd probably be okay with that. To me it's more about quality time and what we want together as a team. This might be like you? Some people are really into sex. Some people aren't. There are people who have the same wants you do, whatever they may be. So my advice is just to take it easy, don't fret (try not to at least) too much about it, and let things happen as they happen.
