Hi fellow EC members. I completely forget when I last updated, but whatever. I have homework due tomorrow, but that can wait. If this paragraph comes out weird, I'm sorry. I stink at formatting. So, right now, I am a big mess. Part of me wants to say that the "am I gay?" thoughts have calmed down, but I feel like they have gotten worse. I talked to my mom about therapy, and she played the mom role and stated that what is happening to me is a part of growing up. Then this is where things get confusing. Back in July of 2015, I questioned if I was gay or not. I browsed gay porn and stuff to see if I was aroused, and I did it daily b/c I was not convinced that I wasn't gay. I needed more answers, more research. Now, the thing that helped give me an answer is giving me "anxiety". I want to look at homoerotic material to get more answers, but I'm afraid of getting the answer (or getting one I don't want -- in this case, I don't want to be aroused). Should I check it? Idk, I have spring break from the 25th to April 3rd, so I might do it then. Also, when I was younger, I would always ask my family what they would do if I were gay. When I was 11 or 14 (somewhere in that age group), I took a quiz and it said I was 11 percent gay. I freaked out and told my dad about it. Could this have been a trigger, and my thoughts didn't surface up until another thing triggered them? But, my issue is not HOCD this time, but just regular OCD (is there a regular OCD?). Not only have I had recurring (daily) gay thoughts, I have had obsessive thoughts about cancer, and I would check my "boys" to see if there were any lumps. This happened a lot over the summer; I would check every few days or every day. I still kind of check today, but not as much. My mind said, "Just because your fears aren't true today doesn't mean they won't be tomorrow". When my "sack" is tight, there is a dent there, but when it's loose, there is no lump (I may have to check later :icon_wink). I also worried a lot about things testicular torsion, appendicitis, brain tumors. Yeah, health stuff. I also obsess over my health. "How much saturated fat have I eaten today? Sugar? Cholesterol? My mom has diabetes; will I get it?" I have taken OCD quizzes and most have said it's likely I have it. My mind is messing with me though. I say one thing, but my mind says the opposite and tries to convince me that what my brain thinks is true. Another OCD thing is hoarding, and I do that a lot. I remember as a kid I was weirdly obsessed with school supplies (I'm a huge dork). I would ask my mom to buy it, and I would hoard it in my closet. A few years ago, I donated some to a needy school in Baltimore (I live near there). I still have piles of pencil boxes and writing utensils. I still wanna keep it b/c what if I need these things in the future? One more OCD thing is thinking about death and stuff. Idk - during a thunderstorm, I always worry about tornadoes wrecking my house. During hurricanes, I do the same thing. Whenever I go over a bridge, I think about falling into the water and drowning or getting eaten alive. Idk - does it sound like I have it? (Asking for reassurance a lot is another thingy -- I've done that a lot in this rant). I feel sad, and I have had suicidal thoughts before (slitting my wrists). I have held up a razor to them, and pretended to cut just to see how I would feel about it. I don't want to kill myself, but I just feel like ... I dunno. Part of me wants therapy now, but my mom pushed back an appointment for yesterday to MAY. And that's just a physical at the doctor. And I'm worried about the male doctor touching me there and me getting aroused. But, my mom said after the physical, she will talk to the doctor to see if I need help. I think I really need it, but do I need it now or later? Should I wait or go over my break? Thank you for reading (listening?). This doesn't have much to do with sexuality as a whole, but I feel like if I go to an OCD forum and post there, I will be seen as crazy or stupid, or just be called "gay" or whatever. Thanks again for understanding. You guys have really helped me out here . (Sorry about the long post).
