Hi, I've been questioning for around 2 years and i've thought about it so many times that i just don't know/ even more confused, and could use an outsiders perspective. i really need help. So thanks in advance! Age 12/13ish, i didn't have cruses as such but was prone to going red when speaking to guys (and girls, but mostly guys). I had my first kiss with my best friend (girl oops) just to see what it was like (it felt like i was doing something wrong but I wanted her to do it again but couldn't initiate it myself). I had an eating disorder (all through early teens (recovered by about age 16.5ish)) and with that comes 0 sex drive. like 0. At age 17 i had my first boyfriend, i didn't feel anything when I kissed him and I didn't want him to touch me, but I put this down to nerves at the time and now on reflection very low self confidence. I also felt nothing emotionally (at any point) , i broke up with him after 3 months (After spending 2 months planning how to break up...don't judge me eek), i felt relieved and I didn't cry. I then met this woman (age 18/nearly 19), she was openly gay and in a relationship so nothing would ever happen/was totally inappropriate. and i basically fell in love with her over the course of a year. but i didn't realise it until i reflected that thinking about someone literally everyday and all their quirks is not really normal...i asked myself if i'd marry her (yes) do stuffs (yes) ect. she made me want to be a better me and I started pursuing new hobbies ect ect. 2 years later I still think about her everyday nearly...eeeeek (these are totally inappropriate feelings and i'd literally die if she knew) Although a niggle in me is like, do/did i want to be her or be with her? during being infatuated with a woman, I got myself a new boyfriend (gawdd on paper i sound awful!!) , I can honestly say i felt nothing in anyway at any point. the bedroom felt like a "had to do/chore" and my aim was to "please him" asap (soooorrrrrrryyyyyy). Again i broke up with him after few months , didn't cry, felt relieved. ok so on paper I sound gay, but here are my major doubts; 1) It took me until 18/19 to even the whisper of maybe liking women to cross my mind 2) I know a good looking male and I act stereotypically foolish around them (do i want sex with them...no) 3) I only find a few women attractive (in the I want to be with you way) , the women that catch my eye (if i'm being totally superficial ( value more kind,funny) ; normally feminine features but neutral dress, short hair, eye contact and expressive/ confident body language...actually they all have characteristics of my major crush (ooooops)) 4) I know i have a few stereotypical gay characteristics i.e. my watch and sitting like a man (lol) but these things i only kind of subconsciously adopted after meeting my crush and i actually don't know why i did it. but it does make me feel more confident. 5)I haven't done anything with a woman so I don't know how i'd react. although i want to try but am too nervous to, especially because of my uncertainty/inexperience and I wouldn't want to hurt them. 6) I don't know if i'm just a bit crazy. maybe i subconsciously just want to be 'different' , although I don't think so. but I just don't know. 7)my crush; is it actually a crush or do i just admire her? 8) have i just not met the right guy 9) is it my low self confidence Anyway, thanks for reading my waffle. Any advice appreciated.
