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*Long post* Advice about moving on?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by breathoflife, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. breathoflife

    Regular Member

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    Hello!

    I have been struggling with this for months now and I'm still having intrusive thoughts about it at the most random times and it sends my mood spiraling downwards so quickly. If someone, anyone, could please give me some advice on how to move on from someone really toxic then it would be much appreciated!


    I've known this girl for 9+ years and we were best friends for about the same time. She came out to me as pan about 6-7 years into our friendship and ever since then I began noticing that things were getting a little...weird around us. I'd been questioning my sexuality for a long, long time, but it wasn't a serious thing until something pretty drastic changed between us.

    She and her boyfriend (now, husband) broke up for the millionth time and she was upset about it and of course I was comforting her. The next day I brought a guy over and we were all watching a movie together. I was kissing on the guy a little bit. I had my head laid on her chest (we sat like this regularly) and when the guy got up to leave I just happened to look up at her. For some reason something sparked. I don't know what it was but I couldn't break eye contact with her and suddenly I was looking at her lips. We kissed and from then on everything changed.
    Things got pretty hot and heavy that night (I guess it was 8+ years of tension) and that was the first genuine time I'd been with a girl. Up until then I'd assumed I was straight because I just was scared of not being straight. (I grew up with an extremely homophobic mom.) I knew I kind of liked girls but I passed it off as a "girl crush".

    Well, as you can imagine my mind was sent into a world of confusion and I was so uncomfortable that I withdrew from her and started acting weird. I told her that I just needed time to figure things out. I was still holding her hand and all that stuff but I was freaking out.
    We were "together" like this for a few days but nothing official and I asked her one night if she would go back to her boyfriend and she said that if I stayed with her then she'd never even talk to her boyfriend again.
    I was so, genuinely, happy. I felt safe, and loved with someone I'd formed a deep bond with over nearly a decade. It was the best feeling ever.

    Skipping ahead a bit:

    I started to get the distinct feeling that she was losing interest because I hadn't "decided" my sexuality yet. Like I was expected to figure it out in the time period of 4 days. She even told me that it took her years and years to figure out what fit how she felt best. So, it was really frustrating that she even tried to convince me that I was taking too long.

    One morning I finally decided that my sexuality was up in the air and I knew I loved her and I knew I wanted to be with her and it didn't matter that I had a "label" I just wanted her. I told her and she just blew me off and said "you can't just treat me like that. I waited long enough for you and last night I got back with (her boyfriend)."
    I was absolutely crushed. I was holding back tears the entire way she was driving me to my college class that day. She just threw me out like it was nothing that I just told her that I was in love with her.

    Fast forward:
    I move in with her and her boyfriend and everything goes to absolute hell and her boyfriend is threatening me physically and wanting to sue me for money I "owed" them and these threats were coming daily on my phone for *months* even after I moved out.

    I was so angry and I've been trying to get over it and I've tried forgiving them and moving on but it's so hard. I'm just still so angry. Then, I start getting texts and voice mails from her after she's gotten married saying "I miss you." with pictures of us together and friend requests from her mom and sister (only because I blocked her on facebook) and It made me feel kind of good knowing that she was missing me but it didn't feel genuine at all. More like she was lonely. But when I told her I wasn't interested she said she didn't do anything wrong like she was completely blameless.

    I just get these horrible thoughts about them and I have nightmares about them both sometimes where they find me somehow and start yelling at me and threatening me.

    From time to time they come into the place that I work and they don't bother me but just seeing them enrages me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be angry anymore but I can't figure out how to stop hurting over this when the threat of them suing me or harassing me over text is still hanging over my head. It makes me sick thinking about it sometimes.

    Has anyone been through something like this before? I really need to get some peace of mind before I go crazy. :bang::tears:
     
  2. insert name

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    Hey breathoflife I had similar situation about two years ago, I've got male friend who was breaking up with his girlfriend all the time, they were fighting a lot and he was in pain. We knew each other since preschool so for about 8 years maybe 9 then. It was normal for us to lay next to each other and other stuff, we were pretty close.
    One time after he broke up with her he came to my house for sleepover saying that he doesnt want to be alone that day, he was out as bi then, I wasn't even sure if I'm bi, it ended similar like in your case. After that he said we could be together our mutual friend was happy for us because we found peace and I was unsure and after few days he got back with her.
    I'm in one school with them so I see them everything, his girlfriend was mean to me and she was threatening me
    Today I can say you one thing, no matter how it hurts you have to stay strong, it wouldn't be good relationship probably, you saw her last relationship and you can assume how this one would look. With time it will get better for you. I hope that you'll stay strong and I'm sorry if this message is "blurry" writing after glass of wine isn't my best skill
     
  3. breathoflife

    Regular Member

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    Sorry for the late reply! I'm still figuring this site out.

    There is absolutely no chance of me even being friends with her again. I was hurt too badly by them and her and i'm still getting texts from her saying that she misses me but I just don't reply. I'm not even really hurt over it anymore it's more that I just get angry. I'm still worried about their motives and why her husband is allowing her to text me when he knew what happened the entire time. I'm worried that he'll sue me or say something when i'm at work. I just don't want anything to do with them anymore. I get angry a lot still but i've learned to control it to the point where I don't reply to them or do anything that they could find out about. I just paint or yell into a pillow or something. I'm just scared that they're not letting it go because she keeps texting me.
    I'm thinking that either they're going to get mad and start threatening me all over again or they're going to find some way of sueing me. I don't know why but I get so sick thinking about it.
    That feeling goes away soon enough and it stays away until she texts me again then it sparks all those bad feelings. I don't know if there's anything to do but stay strong.

    Thanks for the reply! I'm sorry you went through that. It's heartbreaking to have someone seem so interested only to turn back to someone else. But that's over now. We can move on and be better people because of it. I'm happy with who I am and I'm glad she's not in my life anymore.