Hi! sorry this is going to be long but its my story and i REALLY NEED HELP. I am a 16 year old guy. Since I was 13 ive realized i have sexual feelings for guys. I used to be afraid and shut it out of my head saying these feelings will pass and im not actually gay. I used to laugh it off thinking that my mind is playing tricks. This happened because in 7th grade when i was 13, my friend introduced me to porn. I remember the first video i watched i was "turned on" by the boobs but the second i saw the guy my jaw dropped. soon before i knew it i was watching gay porn. I used to think nothing of it because i didnt know much of sexuality and all and i thought it was harmless. when i turned 14 i hated myself because i thought i made myself gay. i was mad at myself thinking that i am only having these bisexual (compromised to bi, denied being fully gay) feelings only because i watched gay porn and these videos TURNED me gay. I spent that whole year trying to shove away all these feelings and just be "normal". when i turned 15 i accepted i was gay. my whole year i was excited and happy with myself. i learned to love my sexuality and be proud of being gay. I am so proud and i actually feel lucky to be born gay (LGBT PRIDE!!!) i am happy with myself and now i have just turned 16 and im thinking about coming out to my sister. however, every time the thought comes, i feel confused of my sexuality all over again as if i got into a time machine and im 14 again. I know i deffinately am not straight but i feel like ive bounced to the other side of the spectrum. like before i would ignore the possibility of being gay and stuck to being straight however now i feel like it is reversed and i and telling myself i am completely gay but could be ignoring a little bisexuality. i dont get turned on by girls and when i am "excited" its only gay. a lot of people say that bisexuality is like a bridge to accepting being gay. (however i do know there are bi people) ive heard that people think they are bi instead of accepting they are gay because of internalized homophobia. this really confuses and bothers me because I am happy with my gay self but i do not know if i am maybe 1% bi or just internalized homophobia. I feel like i accepted myself however maybe i fully didnt and i need some more time. i know labels do not matter however i really need to know. I am happy being gay but i dont know if my fear and confusion is me ignoring the prospect of being 1% bi or just internalized homophobia. i know a lot of people go through this so i want to know your input. did you face something like this? how did you get through this? how did you figure it out? what was the result? what is wrong with me? please any help is welcome! thank you all so much in advance LOTS OF LOVE! <3 LGBT PRIDE
Well, if your internalized homophobia was that powerful, would it have let you accept yourself at all? I think that if you are bi you'll definitely sense something at a point in your life, so stressing out on it is probably pointless. And yes, I did get through this, but it mainly was from the heteronormative pressure that pushed me to want to be straight, a little bit at least. When I didn't care anymore everything became so much clearer. (*hug*)(*hug*)
