My ex is struggling with his sexuality, how can I help him? Hello, After two years of a loving relationship, my boyfriend broke up with me one night very abruptly for some trivial reason I don't remember anymore. A year later, I've found out that he was truly struggling with the new realization that he might be bisexual, and he was too ashamed to tell himself, much less me. He and I had a long talk about it and he assured me that while we were together, he was exclusive to me and never cheated on me with a man or woman, and that he really was in love with me, and he thinks if he'd had the courage to tell me and let me help him get through it, we would've stayed together. And maybe we would have. Regardless, I am very happy and supportive of him. I love[d] him and if this is a part of who he is, I accept it. We've since become close friends again. In the time since he's told me, he's been spending a lot of time with a group of gay men (mostly couples) who have been introducing him to friends and helping him explore that side of him. He's also done a little bit of dating online, and I think he has been with a man now, though I don't know if it was just kissing/foreplay or actual sex. He says that he is bisexual, and I believe he is and not in a "transition" state. He says that unlike most gay men, he didn't find himself attracted to men or "know it" from a young age, only from about a year ago. So I think it's totally natural for him to be exploring dating men right now, because it's new and exciting and he's never been able to before. Last weekend I was out for drinks with him and a guy he met online joined us and we all chatted and had a good time. When he went to the bathroom, my ex confessed to me that he still finds women attractive, and still pictures himself with women, even though he's been seeing guys and even likes somebody right now. But he said in passing that he might just come out as gay if he gets into a relationship with a guy. I also never doubted that he found me sexually or romantically attractive when we were together and we had a very healthy and active sex life, even after we broke up :eusa_doh:. He even said that on an upcoming trip with his friends, they all want to go see male strippers, but he secretly wants to go see the female strippers. He doesn't identify with the typical gay male stereotypes, and his personality hasn't changed or emerged at all since coming out, he's just getting more confident, which is great. My ex and I know each other pretty well and have a pretty good wavelength even when we don't tell each other, and I get the feeling that he's feeling further pressure from his new friends and from society to "pick a side." When I talk to my gay friends about it they all just assume he's in transition, but when I ask them about their coming out, they admit that unlike my ex, they've always known or at least have always been sexually attracted to only men. I don't know anybody else that identifies as bisexual, and I don't know if he does either, so I think it's hard for him to talk to somebody about it, and to deal with the stigmas of bisexuality, and now that he's admitted his attraction to men, he feels like he can't just go from one to the other, even though he needs to know that it's totally okay. His road to acceptance was really hard and almost fatal for him, and I hope he never has to go through that again!!! I've done my research so I know that bisexuality does exist, but I still would love to hear thoughts and opinions from people who are bisexual or pansexual, especially men, since there seems to be more prejudice towards bisexual men than women . What is your experience going through something like this? What advice could I give to him? I'll admit in an end note that I still do love my ex very much, and while I don't think it's a romantic love at this stage, and him being with men doesn't bother me at all, I might honestly just not want him to be gay for the sake of that door not having to close on us for good, even down the road, and I hope it's not clouding my judgement. But truly what I want right now is for him to be happy and to help him understand that if he loves a man now, but loves a woman tomorrow, that's totally okay! And if in the end he decides he only wants to be with men, that's okay too!
(I'm female and I can't say for sure what my sexuality is yet...still digesting and exploring my life and self). I wrote out a huge thing and deleted it. Maybe send him to a LGBT center to speak to a counselor that is free. In addition...I think if he wants to do that let him. I don't think there is much you can say that will stop him. He has to live his life and he has to do what feel right. Hopefully from doing that and with experience he will learn it is better to be open. In addition... for all you know he has come to an understanding that he is Gay not bisexual. He might have said that to you to see how you would react... to see how accepting you would be if he wasn't bisexual. Some friends and families don't take that label serious and think there is still a chance he might marry a woman...and ignore the fact he very well might fall in love and marry a man. Maybe connect him with more men in his city/town that are bisexual.
If you care about him, all that you can do is direct him towards an LGBT support group, and bisexual support groups. It is up to him to decide his label & identity and you cannot do much to influence this. You might have a legitimate concern that his new friends are pressuring him to identify as gay so soon, but are you doing anything different by trying to "help" him realise that he is bisexual? You guys might not be as over, and I do think it is clouding your judgement. You broke up- regardless if it was because of his sexuality or for other reasons, you broke up. It sounds like you are in denial of this, and want to hold on to the idea of maybe not loosing him completely, if he turned out to be bisexual. But you broke up, you both have a right to move on. Your post mentions nothing of the possibility that he might be gay - I am not saying that he is, but your post does not give room for the possibility that he might, all is structured to give us arguments that he is not, which makes it sound like you would have big difficulties accepting the possibility of him being gay. If you are supportive friend and ex, you would support him being either bi, or gay, or all in between. Families and friends often go through denial themselves- in this case it looks like you are in some kind of denial as well.. I think this post is more about your feelings for him, and your own difficulty with accepting the change in the nature of your relation, than his sexuality. But you broke up. His sexuality is not your responsibility. His sexuality is not about you, its about him, by trying to "help" him you will probably do more harm than good- still sleeping with him, after you broke off, is not a good practice for anyone- it blurs boundaries for both of you and it will crate emotional dependences which will be difficult to untangle. You are not neutral in all this- you have a vested interest in him turning out to be bisexual- if you want to be a good friend to him, I would suggest looking at your own feelings and trying to resolve them, rather than deflecting pretending to yourself that you are acting on a concern for his sexuality. It might be best to establish more distance between the two of you and sticking to clear boundaries. Accepting ones non-straight sexuality often involves grief- I think it is likely that you are grieving for your past relationship, and that your ex is trying to put off grieving for his straight-self by still staying close with you. But he came out- he is either bi or gay, and both of you will have to face the reality of it sooner or later.
How would you fell if somebody would write "how to help her to realise she is bi"? You're pressuring him just like those gay guys. You can't help somebody. You might ask questions letting him confront his fears and think about them, offer support whatever he picks but that's all. Being with most of my life with men (I do still have female body) never hurt my identification as a bi. Bisexual isn't about liking both women and men equally. He might be bisexual and be more into guys so he would be closer to the gay guys. The advice you can offer him can be to go to the support group and not be afraid of standing his ground. He has to let himself to do what he wants to, not what somebody else wants him to do. Fem strip? sure. Male strip? Sure. Even 100% gays don't have to identify with gay stereotypes. Guess what, it's STEREOTYPES. You could also point him to EC.
Well, for an outsider it's really hard to tell what your ex is. He might be bi or then not. The thing is that there is not much you can do except to state that his label to you is of no importance. Does he seem to be struggling with his identity? To me it doesn't sound like that he is in any particular need for intervention from any direction. You could ask if he knows about EC or if he would find it helpful to visit a LGBT center or something but ultimately no on can force him to go nor they should. If you are concerned his gay friends pressurize him to choose sides then ask does he feel that way. Also, I disagree with other writers here who seem to think he is gay and you only wish he was bi. That may be the case but there is nothing in your text that would particularly suggest that. He told you he feels he is bi and I think it's the best to respect the label he is comfortable with. After all, we don't know what's going on in his head.
I came here genuinely concerned about my ex and just wanting to get some insight from people that might've gone through what he's going through. BUT you are totally right about so many points. At the end of the day, this is more about me and my feelings than him. Because even being confused about my feelings, I still want him to be happy and no matter what he decides is right for him, I will be there for him, but being able to resolve some of the feelings that have risen now that we are getting closer again, will make that so much clearer. I do still worry that he is feeling the pressure to pick one side or another, but I also get that me encouraging him to embrace bisexuality is not necessarily helping either (though I feel like I'm justifying it to myself more, and I haven't and don't feel like I could pressure him to his face, I've just tried to be supportive of whatever he tells me). But you're right, I've made this about how I feel more than anything, and I might need to do some self-assessing to figure out what's best. Thank you for your opinion!
