Not sure what to do :( kind of a long read, bear with me

Hi there, I've been carrying this for a long time and really needed a place to unload. I'm not sure if there really isn't any advice that will help, but there is literally no one in my life that I can share this with safely.

So, I am a happily married mother-of-two and have been with my husband for 13 years. We are both cisgendered, but he is straight, while I have always felt I was bisexual. He knows this but that part of my sexuality has never been introduced into our relationship beyomd talung about it. In fact, I have have had limited sexual contact with other women however I feel strongly it's not just passing attraction - I didn't have to have sex with a man to know I was attracted to men, so by the same token, I feel like I can trust my feelings of attraction to women without having actually had sex with one. Throughout my life, I have had a lot of crushes on girls and even close friends, but they have mostly been fleeting. I am pretty open about my sexuality, I don't really hide the fact that I consider myself bisexual, but still, I am basically considered straight by most people who know me. Attraction to other women has always been there though and even though I know that bringing another woman into my relationship is not something my husband is interested in, I've never felt like it was a big deal. We have a great sex life and I am satisfied - also still very much in love after 13 years. HOWEVER....

This is where it gets tricky.

A couple of years ago, I made a new friend. We have children around the same age and have a lot in common. We became good friends very fast and started hanging out a lot. From the beginning, there has always been sexual innuendo between us, which isn't uncommon for me as that's the kind of humor I usually put out LOL I think right from the beginning, I felt attracted to her, both her personality and looks, - she's pretty much my ideal woman physically - But it was about a year into the friendship when I realized that there waasstronger feelings than just physical attraction. I don't know what to call this. Love doesn't seem right, infatuation is maybe closer but still not quite right. It's been a long time and the feelings haven't gone away. We don't spend all our time together by any means, we both have families and husbands and other friends, I find myself thinking about her a lot. She stands out to me. There is definitely something there that I don't have with anybody else.

I often wonder if I'm imagining that she feels the same, because it really seems like she does. There is a great deal of tension between us. I suspect that she is torn in the same way that I am. But of course, I have no way of knowing without talking to her.

I don't know if it's just that I don't have anybody else I can talk to about this, or if these are feelings I need to explore further somehow, but it's been driving me mad. I keep expecting it to subside, but it doesn't. And while I have no intentions of breaking up my marriage, I also don't see how I can explore this any further without irrevocably changing both my life and hers. I mean, how can I even broach this to her without it changing everything between us? Even if it just stayed between her and I? I already feel guilty enough not talking to my husband about it. I feel like he would feel threatened by it and not want me to hang out with her. And what if she didn't feel the same way? We wouldn't be friends anymore. If she did feel the same way, there's all that mess to deal with.

I am all over the place with this, I know... I just... Don't know what to do anymore. I have never cheated, and I have no intentions of doing so, but the way I feel sometimes... part of me is worried that if I was alone with her and had the opportunity, I might try to kiss her and then who knows what would happen from there. These are really confusing feelings and I don't know what to do with them!

Any advice, if there is even any to give here, would be greatly appreciated. Even just having a place just say it out loud is a relief. Thanks in advance.

 

Thanks for the response. There is actually so much I could lose by bringing this to light. And as I said, I have talked with him about my sexuality, he knew when we got together that I was attracted to women. Having been in a straight, monogamous relationship with him for the last 13 years - And his gf before me was of the opinion that it's not cheating if it's with the same sex (*eyeroll*) - I'm pretty sure he would be threatened by the idea of me having an active "crush" on a woman, especially someone I am good friends with. Hes insecure in this department and quite possessive (not in a douchebag kind of way but still). Also forgot to mention that she's recently become my boss so that doesn't help things (I needed a job, she was hiring - her being my boss was a bonus not the primary reason I applied).

I think for me what is most troubling is that the feelings I have are both difficult to define and not fading away as they have other times. I have always joked that I'm physically attracted to women but I couldn't imagine having a relationship with one... She is the first woman I have ever actually imagined being in a relationship with. But you have to keep in mind that, as I said, I am happily married with kids and she is also married (not so happily) with kids.

If I wasn't happily married, if I didn't truly love and have attraction for my husband, this would be a much simpler situation! If we were both available, I would persue her without hesitation.

 

Can anyone suggest another site or forum where this may be more appropriate to post? I know I said I didn't know if there was any advice to be given here, but I was really hoping for something. Just wondering if this is the wrong place.

 

How do I delete this and my account?

 

Bumping to see if anyone has any insight or advice on this? Anyone live with these kind of feelings kept entirely to yourself? I feel like I will probably end up taking it to my grave, which I hate the thought of, but I'm terrified of what will happen if I try to talk about it with anyone.