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Am I clinging onto my leterosexuality?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by IceGalaxy, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. IceGalaxy

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    Lately, I have been debating whether I am bi or gay, and after months of questioning, the answer should be obvious by now, yet it still remains just as elusive. I think I have a definite attraction to boys, both physically and emotionally, and the last couple of months have confirmed that for me. However, the answer isn't so simple with girls...

    Perhaps because I am incredibly shy or because I go to an all-boys school, the only contact I have with girls are the one's in my family (and a few other exceptions). I have never really felt comfortable around girls and I've only really ever wanted to make friends with guys, which seems odd considering the fact that popular culture stereotypes gay guys as many having friends who were girls. This had originally led me to believe that I am split 50/50 bi. However, after some intense questioning, I found that I have no real physical attraction to girls (at least not as strong as most other straight guys).

    What is perplexing though, is how I still imagine myself with a guy or girl in the future. Whilst the image of what the guy might look might changes, the image of the girl whom I might like to spend my future with stays the same. The picture is faint, but sometimes I feel that if I did end up meeting "this girl" in real life, I would feel physically attracted to her, just like I feel attracted to other guys, marry her, and life happily ever after (as cheesy as it sounds).

    However, I'm starting to think that this fixed image of a girl in my mind might be simply due to the strong internalised homophobia that I have. My dad has always told me how I would find this perfect girl and marry her one day (he's a bit of a traditionalist) so perhaps this image has just been drilled by my father into my brain.

    It seems obvious now that I just be gay and that I am too afraid to admit it, however, I still occasionally feel "attracted to girls" and I am worried that if I say I'm gay I might shut myself off from any chance that I might have with a girl, because honestly, if I could choose I would rather be with a girl as it means that I wont be rejected by the whole of my family (who are pretty homophobic).

    Is this feeling normal? I feel like I am clinging to my heterosexuality and by calling myself bi, although it protects me and gives me the chance of being with a girl, I would be conforming to the stereotypes of "bi now - gay later" and I think that would be really unfair because there are proper bisexuals out there and if I was to be pretending, I would be conforming to an incorrect stereotype that damages other bisexuals. What should I do?
     
  2. TXTurbo90

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    I went through something similar, but went to a pubic school with both males and females.

    I knew I could be attracted to any gender for a long time, but suppressed my desire for non-heteronormative relationships until only recently. I can say that suppressing that side of my sexuality left me with regret and did a lot of psychological damage that I am still working on fixing. Internalized homophobia can really make finding your "true self" really difficult, especially as I had parents that said homophobic statements on a regular basis.

    I would place myself on the Kinsey scale as a 4, but lean towards more androgynous people. (whether it be male or female). Not knowing/seeing many females your age because of being at an all boy's school means that you could have not been around enough females to find/define your type, or it could mean that you are gay/heteroflexible. One thing that many people don't realize is that sexuality is not a clear cut set of option of "straight, bisexual, or gay", it is a spectrum where people fit somewhere along it. (Unless you are asexual, which it sounds like you have ruled out) Sexuality can also be very fluid, and I have phases where I would prefer to be with a certain gender when single.

    Are you physically attracted to males that you have never met, only seen? If not, you might be demisexual and have yet to build a connection strong enough to find a girl sexually attractive. I always thought I was "just" bisexual until I made a deep connection with a two-spirit Native American person in my women and minorities in entrepreneurship class in college.(And had come out to a couple really close roommates/friends as Bi) I was never able to date them, but realized nonetheless that I was able to be attracted to intersex/non-binary people from that point forward.

    The point being from this up is it can take a long time to figure out exactly who you are as there is so many intricacies that make up sexuality, and it can take years or decades to figure yourself out completely. Don't worry too much about finding the exact label(s) that you fit into, and just follow your heart. Eventually you will have a light-bulb go off in your head when you realize where you really fit in. For me--even though I knew I wasn't straight in third grade--only came less than a year ago at age 25.

    Good luck on your journey of self discovery. It sounds like you are doing the right thing in trying to figure out your "true self" (*hug*)
     
  3. IceGalaxy

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    Actually, thinking about it, I've been physically attracted to men that I had never seen before, e.g. in photos or passers-by in the street. However, I find it hard to get that same "instant" attraction with girls. In fact, the only times I've ever really had any form of attraction to girls was once I had known them for a while. Is that even possible? Being demi-sexual with just one gender, whilst having a full attraction to the other. Or am I being outrageously picky? Is there a way of even defining it?
     
  4. TXTurbo90

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    I would say you could be only be physically attracted to females that you only know, I would say that would fit under the homoflexible definition (Kinsey 5).

    But seeing as you can find males attractive that you don't know only through visible looks, and you have never found any females attractive, I would say you are most likely Gay. (Either Kinsey 5 or 6). It also sounds like the social conditioning on what is expected as a "normal" person is more than likely something that your mind is trying to hold on to.

    Remember that who you are physically/sexually attracted to is sexual orientation. Romantic orientation can deviate from that, so you could be a bi-romatic homosexual as well. Only time and experiences can tell that. You have to love how complicated sexuality can be once you start learning further than the basics :icon_wink

    Feel free to label however you want and feel most comfortable, there is no authority that can tell you who you are, or how you should label. You can always change your label if you find the one you want to use now doesn't fit you best. There is no shame in changing it later. (*hug*)
     
  5. Inky

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    This is a pretty alarming statement to make. Making a decision based solely on the ignorance of other people who: 1. doesn't live your life, 2. doesn't experience your feelings and emotions, 3. doesn't accept a natural part of you; your sexuality, is bad. Ask yourself if this is really fair to your happiness in the long run. I understand that it is hard to disappoint family sometimes, but it is important to advocate for our own happiness over those who would impose their prejudice onto us. I can't say for sure what label best represents your sexuality, but I just think it's a tragic story if you met a wonderful man that pairs well with you, only for you to reject him because of your family's homophobia.