Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and I might as well get this out now because I guess it's the reason I'm here. At an early age I felt like I was different and found that I was turned on by the thought of being with a man or transgendered woman (I'm sorry if that's not the correct way to say it I've never talked to anyone about this so I'm learning). But I did what society told me to and made myself straight and got girlfriends and that whole thing. Now I've always battled the thoughts I had as well as the urges and put on a mask to make it through day to day. In my private time I would fulfill these urges through porn and push it out of my mind after. I'm at the point in life I'm sick of living a lie but I have some big obstacles in my way. For one I've taken this all the way to marriage. We are coming up on our 5 year anniversary in September and I do love her but I feel like I've been lying to her for so long. I've told myself many times I can just make myself straight and not let her down and break her heart but it's becoming harder and harder to do. I guess the reason I joined is not to have everyone tell me that I need to come clean, but how do I find the courage to do so. I don't think I can drop this nuke and destroy everything we have built. It's going to absolutely change everything and both of our lives will be left in shambles. Because of me... I'm not strong enough to do this right now and don't know if I'll ever be able to but I'm sick of fighting myself internally everyday. I'm sick of the negative thoughts, I'm sick of feeling like a prisoner of my own mind and I'm sick of putting on an act. I just want to feel happy, a feeling that's been missing for some time. Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry for rambling but this is part of my story and any insights would be helpful.
You can't help the thoughts and feelings you have . . . you can't make them go away and make yourself straight, and if you come clean about this and it upsets her, it'll obviously be awful for both of you but it won't be your fault that you had to come clean about this because you can't hell these thoughts and feelings, only deal with them the best you can . . . I do think you need to tell her, because I don't think, based on what you've said, you can reasonably continue not telling her . . . will she necessarily have as negative a reaction as you're envisioning?
StarInkbright, I figured out that I can't keep doing this and can't hide it but I'm afraid of the awfulNess but I feel it is my fault for not coming to terms with it earlier and I hate that. I love and respect her so much that I can't imagine being the cause of so much pain for her. At the same token I'm sick of being the cause of my own pain. I know u need to tell her it's just I haven't been able to find the strength or courage to do so. I think she would be crushed but would eventually understand but I hate the fact that I've wasted so much time for both of us by just denying this and hiding it and not wanting to believe. It's such a circle of guilt and denial and I wish I could just feel like heteros do and be happy with what I have. Thank you for your input and view on this. It's the reason I joined today and I hope as time goes on I can figure this out with this communities help and have a reasonable outcome. I think her initial reaction will be hurt and pain but I don't know what that turns into.
StarInkbright, I figured out that I can't keep doing this and can't hide it but I'm afraid of the awfulNess but I feel it is my fault for not coming to terms with it earlier and I hate that. I love and respect her so much that I can't imagine being the cause of so much pain for her. At the same token I'm sick of being the cause of my own pain. I know u need to tell her it's just I haven't been able to find the strength or courage to do so. I think she would be crushed but would eventually understand but I hate the fact that I've wasted so much time for both of us by just denying this and hiding it and not wanting to believe. It's such a circle of guilt and denial and I wish I could just feel like heteros do and be happy with what I have. Thank you for your input and view on this. It's the reason I joined today and I hope as time goes on I can figure this out with this communities help and have a reasonable outcome. I think her initial reaction will be hurt and pain but I don't know what that turns into.
Well by delaying this you are only putting off the inevitable and you didn't mention that you had any kids. I'm sure she would rather know the truth. I had a similar revalation when I was 26 and ended up leaving my husband after being with him for 6 years. Sadly it was not pretty. Then worst part about it was that he was great. He was forgiving, accepting and despreatly tried to find a way for us to stay together. But once you open up your mind to other possibillites its hard to stop from going down that path.
We don't have any kids which is a relief compared to some others stories and I know I'm putting off the inevitable and I guess thats why I have joined because I want to start to build the courage and strength to do it that I haven't been able to on my own. Im right there with you. She is great. She has been a rock in my life and I don't want to hurt her but I can't keep living this lie. I just need to talk to more people that have come to their own realization of their own sexuality so I can as well. I've been alone on my own island for too long and want to let people in and in the 12 hours I've been on this site I know I'm in the right place. I'm going to keep talking to anyone that's wants to and eventually I'll take the plunge.
Have you considered talking about this to a psychologist or a therapist? I think therapy might give you the courage and tools to tell your wife about this.
Euler two years ago I actually went to two sessions with a therapist that specializes in LGBT issues and I wasn't ready because I got very uncomfortable and shut that part of myself out again. I've thought of trying again now because I feel that I am ready now to face the unknown. I'm just going to take baby steps because I don't want to fall back into the same old patterns and push this out again. Talking on here and reading people stories has helped a lot and I think once I feel ready I will reach out to for some help
I know but I don't want to jump the shark either. Still processing myself and I don't want to go about it wrong. I'm looking into therapist at the moment. Side note everytime I spell therapist Sean Connery comes to mind. I'll take The Rapist for 200 Tribec
