Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I'm just after some advice really I'm gonna try and keep this as short as possible but forgive me if it seems a little scrappy, I'm just gonna pile all my thoughts feelings and experiences in to the best of my memory and I'd welcome any of your feedback and opinions Right, so where do I start.. Basically I'm unsure of wether I am bi or straight.. I think I can pretty much rule out gay for reasons I will explain, for some time now Iv thought I have HOCD, basically for years I have obsessed over being gay without ever wanting a man or having feeling towards them, during my childhood and teens I always fancied girls and never looked twice at males, I was a fairly good looking lad and had girlfriends etc, my first serious relationship with a girl started when I was 16 round about the time my obsession started, basically we were having sex one time and for some reason or another I wasn't really feeling it or enjoying it as much as I thought I should be or had previously and boom.. I started to question wether I was gay, the silly thing was I never liked boys, never looked at them in that way or felt attraction towards them, over the years this has changed though, I'm now 27, Iv had several long relationships with woman and I have a child with my ex partner, Iv been with my current girlfriend now for 5 years and I love her immensely, it's like we're soul mates, we get on so well and the reason I feel I can rule out homosexuality is that we have incredible sex, without being to graphic the feeling I get when she undresses, the look of her body in sexy lingerie bent over ready for me to take her is incredibly inviting, I mean during my life Iv had a lot of sexual partners, only ever female and I can quite safely say I enjoy sex with woman, I masturbate to straight porn and can get off quite easily, the thing is Though I'm sure I have an anxiety disorder and my confusion and anxiety can sometimes make me feel numb towards woman, it's like sometimes I'll see a woman and I'll feel immense attraction and then other days I'll feel completely numb towards them, I'm not sure if this is possible but it's like some days I find woman attractive and some days I don't, I don't know anymore if this is because of anxiety or if this is just my fluid sexuality, basically I am confused at times, other times I'm not, other times I'm certain I must be straight and other times I think I am gay, it's a total mish mash at times But where it starts to get really confusing for me is that I'm now pretty sure that over the years Iv started to become attracted to men, only a certain type of man though, and my reason for thinking this is when I see an attractive guy I feel anxiety, an uncomfortable anxiety, my legs tingle and I'm not gonna lie, I feel a slight tingle in my groin, it wasn't there before but as the years have gone on its kind of grown on me and I find it impossible to ignore now, Iv never desired a relationship with men nor have I desired anything sexual with a man but I'm pretty sure that those feelings I get when I see an attractive male are indeed attraction, I'm pretty sure I can rule out HOCD now if the damn condition even exists which I'm pretty sure many of you will tell me it doesn't, which is fine, like Iv said im just after honest advice, see the thing is when I get these feelings they aren't good, I get anxious and I feel uncomfortable inside, over the years Iv tried to imagine myself in sexual situations with men and most of the time it would make me feel sick Iv even watched gay porn, I'm sorry if I offend anyone but it used to make me gag, but now when I try to watch it I don't feel sick, I just feel confusion as to whether I am liking it or not, it feels alien to me, I do feel that if I was completely calm and less anxious I may enjoy it? I mean I'm pretty sure Iv felt slight arousal when watching before but I just can't let myself go with it.. Straight and lesbian porn on the other hand, depending on how horny I am, it's hit and miss, some days I'll watch it and I'll love it and get off real easy, other days I'll feel bored and not really excited, but I think that's just natural when masturbating is it not? I do feel that over the years Iv tried to deny this side of me, deny that I might find men attractive and have found comfort in knowing that I find woman attractive and have great sex with them and always have.. What are your guys opinions on why I get this uncomfortable anxiety when I see an attractive guy? This happens in public, or when I'm watching tv, I don't get aroused but it's like I notice this guy is attractive and the fact I'm doing that means I cannot be completely straight, the fact that Iv even questioned my sexuality for such a long time pretty much rules out my 100% straightness doesn't it? Basically where I am at at this moment in time is I can't honestly ever see me loving a man or having sex with a man, it feels incredibly alien to me and something that in my heart I just don't want, I feel happy when I see an attractive woman and get a positive response within, I feel amazing after mind blowing sex with my girlfriend etc, and can honestly say I love her and enjoy our relationship, but.. I'm pretty sure I find men attractive also, can anyone else relate to this? And does this make me bisexual? If it does then I think it's about time I accept it and work out what this means for my life I'm not here for reassurance of any kind as I'm now pretty sure that I must find men attractive but I just wana know if anyone else has ever felt the same, it's so confusing sometimes and I get really down about it, should the fact I find some men attractive bother me when I'm in a happy, content and loving relationship with a female? Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope somebody can shed some light for me ( Sorry just one more thing also and forgive me for its graphic nature, but i thought I should add that I enjoy anal stimulation, another reason I believe I cannot be straight anymore, thoughts? ) Last thing lol ... I also thinks it's important to say that in terms of arousal i get aroused by woman very easily, seeing a naked woman is an instant erection for me, seeing a naked man is an uncomfortable anxious experience.. Sorry to have gone on, I keep remembering things as I'm about to click post
Hey James, Interesting read. I can draw quite a few similarities between what you have said and what I have experienced. One word comes to mind for me.....bisexual. Maybe that's juts because that's how I identify so I'm jumping to conclusions but it sounds to me like there is a good chance you are bisexual. I'm 24 and only started questioning age 23. For 23 years I was 100% certain I was 100% heterosexual. I now know for a fact I am not. 23 years it took me! 23 years to have even the slightest clue. My point is, it's amazing how powerful the brain can be. The way we view our own thoughts, feelings and experiences in the way that our mind wants to, means we can miss whole parts of our own identity. I would suggest that maybe if you had grown up in a world completely void of any social prejudices. A world with 0 influence from society, parents, friends, TV etc then maybe you would find yourself with a more equal attraction to both males and females. It's also worth noting that not all bisexuals have equal attraction and that same attraction can, like my own, change from day to day and week to week. Perhaps you should spend some time exploring the chance that you are bisexual. Coming to terms with that and accepting that may leave you more free from anxiety etc. I could be wrong, only you can find out for yourself exactly what your sexuality is but they are my thoughts. Sexuality is so very very broad though.
Determining whether you're bi or just straight is difficult because there's a thin line between HOCD and what could also possibly be denial of you liking men. What stands out from what you're saying is that you don't want to be attracted to men. You see it as a problem, and I think if you were able to tell yourself "Yes, I might be attracted to men after all, so what", maybe you wouldn't have all those doubts and questions. Or at least, they wouldn't be so obsessive. What matters the most is that you seem to love you girlfriend and enjoy sex with her. Bisexuality does not mean you want to be with both a man and a woman, it simply means you can be attracted to both. But when it comes to being in a monogamous relationship, you are either gonna end up with one gender or the other. You fell in love with a woman, you chose to commit to her, that's what matters. Try to accept the possibility that you might be attracted to men in some way and try to think about it as a very small aspect of your sexuality. The more you make it a problem, the more obsessive and disturbing it's gonna be. That being said, you should never try to question your sexual orientation based on what kind of porn turns you on. Porn is no indicator of what you like in real life. Fantasy and reality are two very different things. For example, some lesbians out there prefer gay male porn so go figure. Anyway, accept the doubt. Contrary to popular belief, doubt does not mean don't. Just because you have those doubts/possible attraction to men does not mean you shouldn't be with your girlfriend. (By the way, there's nothing "gay" about liking anal stimulation, many straight men like it and actually get it from their girlfriend, check it up online, there are many stories and tips for girlfriends to do it :icon_wink)
Thanks to to both of you for the great advice, TeamTeal I just wanted to elaborate on what you said about porn, I always see people say the same thing and I do find it quite hard to believe that porn can play no factor in your sexuality, I mean when I watch straight porn I am concentrating on the woman, her appearance, body, ass, tits, her moan, they all make me horny and eventually ejaculate ( sorry for being graphic ) so I believe it is a good indicator as if a woman is doing that to me I cannot be gay right? Also what you said about not making it such a big thing, Iv tried this so many times in my mind, tried to tell myself it's fine that I find men attractive but that uncomfortable anxiety and feeling of dread never goes away when I see a handsome man on the tv etc, or anything gay for that matter, so then I'm left wondering is it even attraction I'm feeling towards these guys, as surely I would of accepted it by now, surely it would feel good not horrible I wonder if any other guys have experienced this, as I'm pretty sure that bi or gay guys like there attraction to guys, although they may feel shameful of it, they know they find them attractive and it probably isn't coupled with extreme anxiety and dread? I just need to know.. The best I can describe it is for example, I'll see a an attractive male on the tv take his shirt off, now clearly he is attractive, there's no denying that, I then get a sudden burst of anxiety, usually starting in my legs, tingles etc, and then a kind of weird uncomfortable tingle in my groin, followed by me questioning myself if I find this person attractive.. It's like I said, clearly the bloke is good looking, no person straight, gay or bi could deny that, but I wonder to myself whether I'm actually attracted, do I want to touch him etc, could I have sex with him? Love him? See it seems like obsessive thinking to me, but the underlying problem is that I wouldn't obsess, I probably wouldn't even think about it if the anxiety/attraction? Would dissipate, but it never does! And what also makes this worse for me is that sometimes I'm not all that attracted to woman like I previously said, some days I'll see a woman that is clearly hot, but for some reason I feel nothing positive inside, it's like I'm numb towards her, why is this? Other times I'll see a hot woman and feel instant attraction, she may bend over slightly and reveal her great ass and I will get an erection, other days I will feel nothing if she did the same thing, it's like because I now associate that anxious feeling when I see a good looking man with attraction, it's like I should be getting it when I see an attractive woman, but is that feeling I get even attraction? It's like I'm confused between anxiety and attraction ( HOCD? ) :/ All I know is it's not uncommon for me to see a hot woman and get an erection, but that never happens when I see a good looking man, unless I'm fighting it? As you can see I am genuinely confused, there's no certainty, and Iv tried to accept that there's no certainty but I also can't accept that, some days are better than others, but it's the feeling of the unknown that scares me I think as some days I feel completely straight, for example me and my girlfriend will make love, I'll sit there afterwards like WOW, that was amazing and feel completely straight, I'll see a hot girl and feel strong attraction and feel great, then other days I'll see an attractive male, I'll get these feelings and it's like I'm back to square one feeling like I'm gay or bi and that in return affects my attraction towards woman, whoa! What a mess hey, basically some days I'm almost certain I must be straight and others I think I must be bi my aim of getting these thoughts down for all to read are in the hope that somebody else feels the same or has felt the same and if so, what did it mean for there lives, how do they identify now? As you can see this is quite a complex confusion, any further advice would be much appreciated and thanks to everyone that took the time to read I want to accept whatever it is to accept, but not knowing what to accept is hard to accept..
You're NOT gay then, but you MIGHT BE bi. However, consider this... the only way to know for sure would be to experiment, right? But right now, you have a girlfriend. So what if you're attracted to guys (too)? You have a girlfriend, it seems like the sex is great, so even if you're bi, you're not gonna break up with her. Have you tried telling yourself that this is something you should ask if you're ever single again (let's hope not)? That, hey, if some hot guy removing his shirt is giving you anxiety... why not just sit back because it's irrelevant?
I think you should just chill out a bit. The thought of being attracted to guys clearly worries you, but it shouldn't. Everyone questions and should question their sexuality. It's important to think about what your body wants. I recommend just meeting up with a few guys on Gr1ndr and going for a drink. Just see what the chemistry is like. Part of the anxiety is probably flowing from your uncertainty. You might enjoy it and discover a whole world of new feelings, or you'll feel nothing and be able to rule out being bi, thus stopping the anxiety. Either way you'll have a clearer picture of what you really feel and have a more informed thought process P.s. Maybe think about what kind of bi guy you would be, i.e. top/bottom/versatile
I agree with Godly. As you're in a committed relationship, in many ways this issue is not relevant at the moment. Can you 'park' the issue? i.e. 'If I ever find myself single I will revisit this, but for now I am very happy with my girlfriend, so I'll park it'? If you were less than happy, not enjoying sex etc, I would give a different answer. In the meantime it's okay to notice that other men are attractive and it also doesn't necessarily mean you are attracted to them. Could be just aesthetic appreciation, or comparing your own face, physique etc to theirs. Anyway, is it relevant? You are in a happy committed relationship.
Couldn't agree more with this, but that's where the problem lies for me, I find it almost impossible to sit back on it because the anxiety and fluctuating attraction towards woman gets me obsessing almost on a daily basis, it's like I'm always looking for reassurance and until I get that my anxiety is through the roof, it's like I have to know what I am and if I don't I can't concentrate on anything else, as I'm writing this it becomes clearer and clearer to me that this is an obsession. Iv been having these feelings for so long though that I find it almost impossible to think that I could be 100% straight, surely a straight person wouldn't obsess over there sexuality for so many years? Unless they had a genuine sexuality anxiety disorder? I also just want to touch on the experimental side of things, I don't think even if I was single I could see myself experimenting with men, the thought of that just doesn't sit right with me and when I try to imagine myself doing that I get anxious, I suppose you don't know till you try, but I really don't wana try Anyway, thanks for the great advice from everybody, I really appreciate it
Let's say you're mostly straight, how does that sound? At least you can take gay off the table. You really sound like you're attracted to women. If you can't bring yourself to even think about experimenting with men, you might only be straight then.
