Hi everyone, I wanted to share some of my experiences here and I'm brand new. And well, I need to vent: I guess you could say I'm just throughly confused.. So, here's a little background: When I was in pre-school and kindergarten, I used to play house and similar games with my friends, but I was always the guy or I would have no problem being the guy/husband or whatever. When I got to first grade, I remember wondering what it would be like to kiss my best friend that continued until the 3rd grade. Later I really just shoved those ideas away.. everyone was starting to shave their legs and get boyfriends. Lol Even though in the 5th grade, I developed a slight crush on one of my friends again. We would play the Sims sometimes and I would make our characters kiss to gauge her reaction. When I got to middle school I got my first girlfriend and she was great; I was in total puppy love. Nothing crazy there, you know it was so innocent, we kissed and held hands and when we fell asleep together we didn't sleep together, you know? Disclaimer: Throughout all of these years, it wasn't that I didn't have crushes on guys because I did I just always felt less comfortable with them. I dated a couple of girls in high school and I also came out to a lot of my family and friends first as bi and then as lesbian during those years. My mom wasn't particularly happy about it. So in response, I decided to move in with my dad who was supportive enough. Later on though, I thought 'what the hell, I guess I should date guys 'cause maybe they're right, maybe I'm missing something' So I did and I fell in love, and was upset and heartbroken a couple of times, played the field whatever. I moved back in with my mom, having felt like I sacrificed a part of myself to mend my relationship with her. But then also being relieved that now I was back in the closet and didn't really have to stir up conflict anymore at home. I wanted stability even if I didn't feel a hundred percent myself. I've since gone to college and haven't been with girls since high school and I've only been intimate with guys. For a few years now all I've been thinking about is if I should really just be out there trying to figure this out. But I just don't want to hurt anyone, you know? I feel really fraudulent and guilty sometimes 'cause I came out and then I went back in... I don't know, I'm the definition of stuck. Buuut I'm pretty sure I'm either bi or straight. Just really scared of dating/coming out again/hurting people/disappointing people/everything Ahh, I'm so grateful if you've made it to the end of this post! Thank you for taking the time to read this, Love -luckydarling
I think you're probably bi but not gay enough to want to overcome the social stigma that goes with it. That's probably why you're feeling guilty. I think you should just live your life and let the chips fall where they may. If you end up with a guy you can just smile and tell your Mom she was right you were straight all along. If you end up with a girl your mom will just have to get over it. Bottom line is that it is your life. You need to make the choices that make you happy.
Good advice on making the choices that make you happy. As you get older, it becomes more and more evident, that this is what truly matters. I sound like an old fart saying that, but as someone who has (sort of) moved back into the closet due to where I live and work, I can understand where you are coming from. I get what you are saying about feeling fraudulent, and I definitely understand the guilt. I experience those on and off - wishing I could be a little bit out of the closet and making some relationship choices, or being able to at least acknowledge or find even the local scene/culture. Maybe that is a step to start with? Immersing yourself in the LGBTQ community/scene. That sounds a lot like a non-commitment, but it could help you work out how you feel inside - where on the great orientation spectrum of life you feel comfortable, and free.
