fear of intimacy with men, and orientation confused!!

First off, I don't feel you owe anyone anything in regards to your sexuality. You go with what feels comfortable to you. You are still so young, and hell if worse comes to worse, you can chalk it up to "sowing your wild oats". Enjoy the time you have as single and without children to fully explore your sexuality and just find what works for you. You don't have to fit someone else's mold, so whatever feels right to you is the right choice to make.
I have a long history of trying to do what I thought was expected of me, and trust me, you are the only one who can make you happy and you owe nothing to anyone. I truly admire those who can embrace such ideas at an earlier age. Go with what works for you and enjoy the frivolities that youth allows you.

 

Oh man, I just had to react to this. It sounds like we have the same issues and anxiety, and we're around the same age. Before 1.5 years ago, I had to idea I could be anything other than straight, and now I'm slowly trying to come to terms with possibly being bisexual or gay - even typing that gave me a massive anxiety spike though!

First of all: you're definitely not alone! The thought of (emotional) intimacy and any sex at all scares me to no end. However, everyone that's in a relationship has assured me that those things come and evolve completely naturally, and some people had the same fears before they started dating, but they faded once they finally felt comfortable with their partner. I know that knowing this is still not a solution, though. It is possible you're just afraid of intimacy with a man because you're not familiar with his, er, junk. Being with a woman seems slightly less threatening because at least I would know the basics of how the thing worked, right? :lol: I say 'seem', but I think it would be a bit uncomfortable with either sex, but I've been told that's normal when it's your first time.

If you say you never fantasise about men, do you only mean sexually? I know I daydream about my fav celebrities (the more unattainable the better, right?) in a romantic sense (cuddling, other relationship aspects), but once in a while those thoughts do turn sexual.

I'm also someone who has always avoided risks and has always tried to avoid my fears, but I'm working on it with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - maybe that could be an option for you as well? I guess the nhs repays some forms of therapy. I know for sure that I really want to change that aspect of me, because life is so much more than always being scared of everything! I think if I could tackle that part of me, everything else will go much smoother as well, and I guess I'd feel much better mentally. But I know that if you've had generalised anxiety from a young age, it's not easy to change.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish here, other than a mix between venting and (shitty) advice, but don't hesitate to ask anything, because we seem to be quite similar in terms of our experiences and personalities. (&&&)

 

You said that ALL your friends were women. I personally think you need to make some male friends. Even if its just for friends. You need to be around men a little more so that you can feel comfortable around them. 50% of the population is male so you are going to have to find ways not to feel uncomfortable around them. You are still very young. There is no need to rush the sex thing. Work on developing a group of a variety of close friends. Even friends that might be different from your usual..if that makes any sense. Basically broaden your horizons. You can't live in a bubble. The less nerveous you are around all types of people will help you to decide who you are really attracted to.

 

I am a guy who didn't kiss the first time until I was 24! I was always attracted to girls, but too awkward to act on my attraction. Once I did start to date, I enjoyed physical intimacy up to a point, but recoiled at intercourse, mainly because of potential consequences. Then I slowly, with great difficulty I might add, backed away from intimacy, discovering that what I enjoyed most was long conversations, extended hand holding and embracing, and romantic settings. Gradually I thought that I might be gay, but started to feel like maybe I was more of a gay female. How about that for confusion. I feel uncomfortable with straight women. Maybe intimidated as a gentle soul, but straight acting. I have been questioning for over a decade, but I started to question actually two decades ago, when a girlfriend rather impishly caressed my chest. I immediately liked it as a female. She kept watching my stifled reaction with a grin and kept doing it. I made her stop, pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to forget it. Over time two other women did the same. My reaction and thoughts of being a female as they did it really got me to call a halt to dating. This forum really is therapeutic, because where else would I be able to unburden? Add to the mix. feelings that I relatively. recently had for men, all gay except one, who approached me, and you can see how complexity can unfold. For me, celibacy has been the best, fairest policy. But I still enjoy life, probably lessening greatly it's complications.

 

somewhat in a same boat as well! I've always have this fear being intimate with a male because I had never experienced that before and to be quite honest I wanted to kiss a guy who I was best friends with because we liked each other and he was going away for basic training and I almost kissed him. For some reason I did not kiss him and sometimes I asked myself why did I stopped but no answer yet.

I believe that there's a chance for me to be in a relationship with a woman more than a man. I know that sounds really weird but it's true. I mean, sure maybe one day there will be a man that will sweep off my feet but honestly my attraction is women right now so I guess you can say that I am bisexual with a preference for women.

 

The CBT is helping, but of course you first have to decide you're willing to change. I've been pushing myself to go out more lately bc my therapist said it'd be good for me, and I've been feeling a lot better. I realised there's a whole lot of people who genuinly like me for who I am, and just knowing that makes me feel less anxious. It sounds ridiculous, but my mantra really is YOLO:lol: - bc if I don't keep that in mind, I wouldn't try anything at all! I still recoil when I have to drive or talk on the phone, but it's been getting better. Also, it's really nice to have somebody to talk to every week, bc I don't need to hold back at all.

If you ever have a more specific question or something, don't hesitate to PM me!