I was wondering on the dynamic of how an open marriage works. Take for example I have a date with a guy that's okayed by the wife and I'm going to get laid and she's has no plans for the night or whatnot, is their any guilt in that? I know it's an agreed open marriage but I'm just wondering how others figure those emotions out. Also if your in an open marriage with a straight spouse how do you know that they are happy with these situations? I feel like if my wife agrees to it she is only doing it to stay with me and will feel shit ty if I'm out with a guy doing whatever some nights. I don't want to cause that kind of pain. I would rather either break the marriage off and go our separate ways so she's hurt only once or bottle up my needs and be happy so she's not hurt over and over. Not sure if I said that right. These questions are based off me leaning towards bi or pan right now. I start therapy tomorrow so I will figure myself out but want to know how others confront these emotions.
If the wife is okay with it, there's no need to feel guilty. The important thing in an open marriage is lots and lots of communication and consent. As long as they are being honest with each other about who they are seeing (unless they have agreed that they'd rather not be told, which is a different but valid way of approaching it) and the other person consistently states that they are okay with it, there is no need for guilt. If you feel a bit guilty just because you're not used to it yet, that's fine, but if the guilt continues once you've had time to adjust, maybe an open marriage isn't a good idea. You know the other person is happy with it because you trust them to be honest with you. You have to make sure that you are doing everything in your power to make your wife feel comfortable being honest with you, and then you have to trust that she is. Talk to her about how it makes her feel and make sure that you both agree that this is comfortable and okay for the both of you.
I guess I'm afraid that she will say it's okay even though she feels differently and I don't want to cause any hurt when I step out "legally" with someone. We both have love for each other and I'd rather hurt her once rather than over and over through the rest of our lives or her leave me in X amount of years because of it. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2016 at 11:44 PM ---------- FYI at this point I don't know for sure if I'm gay or bi but I have a therapist session scheduled so once the bomb drops Ill have those answers. I just want to know how the open situation works
I strongly recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. She discusses many different kinds of non-monogamous relationships (including case studies of couples with these different kinds of relationships), and how they work. She discusses the strengths and weaknesses of these kinds, and what kinds of people/couples they are most natural for. She does a *great* job of exploring the Myth of Monogamy. And in general, the book is well-written, and reasonably unbiased. The book contains many exercises designed to help you figure out if a non-monogamous relationship is right for you, and if so, what kind might be most suitable for you. It's definitely not something that just any couple can do successfully...but some can and do.
It depends on the people, but what matters is what are you going to do with the guilt if it does happen? Maybe you only go out when she has plans, maybe communicating often with her and making sure its okay will alleviate your guilt, or maybe you get creative. Trust an open communication. Open relationships are a lot of work and they have to be intentional. You have to check in with your partner, talk to them about their feelings, and make sure their needs are being met. This is a process though. Its not just a one time deal, this never stops. Let he know that. Talk about how you feel and what can be done to prevent that. Talk it out, see what works for both of you, and keep check in with each other. Also, yes start reading books about this. Its not as complicated as it sounds, but since our society doesn't teach us how to do non-monogamy, you have to learn about it through books, other people, and trying it out. I would also recommend "More than Two" and "Ethical Slut"
Thanks biAnnika I will have to check that book out. Sounds very insightful and would be something that could help me out. Is the book written assuming a couple is reading it and are the exercises built around a couple doing them together? Thank you as well smurf. Your responses sound like my therapists responses he had for me today [1st session] I guess I just need to open this line of communication up with her and figure it all out. What's best for us will be what works I guess. Just wondered how other people's worked to get an idea I guess lol. Thanks everyone
I'm pretty sure she recommends the couple going through the exercises together...in any case, the exercises are definitely one that a couple can do together...the whole thing promotes exactly the kinds of conversations that it sounds like you need to be having (and I suspect your therapist would agree).
For us, we have been married for three yeas and known each other for 5, so not too long. We usually only play with others together with the rare exceptions. I experience something that is called "compersion" so it makes it really easy for me to handle guilt, jealousy, and those type of emotions. For him, he manages jealously by thinking about it like a "check the engine" light. Most people freak out about feeling jealous, but all you have to do is (1)look under the hood, (2)see what the real problem is (feeling insecure about the relationship, feeling like you don't have enough time with your partner, feeling alone when they leave you, lack of trust), and (3) coming up with way to solve those issues. For him, we like to have sex the same day that I hook up with someone. It allows him to feel more secure about the relationship. We also have a date night every week where its only us. Oh, and he likes to hear the juice details about it all. Knowing exactly what happens turns him on and it gives a sense of control over the situation which works well for him. We check in every so often. Our rules have changed through out the years as we adapt to new life changes, emotions, and people we meet. When you decide to start, there are a lot of local poly groups that might be able to help.
