I am a nearly 40 year old married man. I love my wife very much, and sometimes she's all I need/want. But then sometimes she's not. I am a recovering alcoholic and in my drinking days I did many things that today I find reprehensible. Cheating on her is high on that list. I did it several times, once with a woman (immediately following my first time with a man), but several times with men. When I first sobered up, my homosexual desires exploded. While I wouldn't cheat anymore, I had gay porn all over my browser history, which my wife eventually found. I convinced her (and myself) that it was residual warped mind from years of alcohol abuse and that the fog would be lifting and this would go away (I was half right). 30 days ago if asked I would have told you I was 100% straight and my homosexual desires were completely obliterated. But today, boy is that ever not the case. My thoughts and desires are revolving around the first man I was with. He was more of a bottom (as am I) so he could not physically give me everything I needed at the time. I seeked out men who could, and got everything I though I wanted, but as good as it was, it wasn't all I thought it to be. Now it's him I think of laying with. His goatee against mine, his tounge in my mouth, his sexy bubble butt in my hand, his penis pressing against mine. I miss him so much right now. After our first encounter I left rather abruptly, in disbelief of what I had done but later we talked. I remember telling him I could no longer consider myself "bi-curious". I was now bi-sexual (remember I was still a drunk with irrational thoughts). He said you're gay, you just don't know it yet. He said these desires would eventually take over and I wouldn't be able to stand the thought of having sex with a woman. I won't say he was right, but he certainly want wrong either. I don't know how to label myself, and after reading on this forum, I am understanding it's of no real value to do so. I just wish I knew what the future held. Am I transitioning into full blown homosexuality? Am I merely swing back and forth like a pendulum? I'm nearly 40, married (sometimes happily), and more confused than ever. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I just need to talk.
In AA I've learned you can't spend time on the past as you can't change it. Likewise you can't worry about the future as it hasn't happened yet. I guess I was just hoping someone could predict my future lol. It has been so nice these last few years to not worry about leaving my phone with my wife as there is nothing on it I wouldn't want her to see. I've been really thinking about reaching him (my first), not for physical contact (he lives hours away anyway), but to talk. But I'm not sure I should reopen that door.
Wow...a sooner on here, I lost all respect for you haha Hook 'em Horns All joking aside, I wish I could tell you all the answers you wish to know. But in reality, I'm at a loss of what to tell you. As for re-opening the door and reaching out to your first, I would heavily advise against doing that.
If it's just the 1 guy you miss and think about. I'd leave it alone. All it means is that he meant something to you(as he should. He was a first after all). This doesn't mean anything more than that you remember him fondly. We all have those. But he's in the past and should probably stay there. However, if you are thinking about men in general and wanting to act on that, that's a different story. Maybe you should talk to your wife, or a close friend and try to figure it out. It's a tough spot and I feel for ya. Best wishes
It's really just him. The thought of having another gay sex encounter sounds very appealing, but not empty, quick, and over. I've done that, it doesn't interest me anymore. I want the whole package (pardon the pun), the kissing, petting, cuddling, exc. I suppose I've been thinking of him so much because he's the only one I've experienced what I'm wanting with. After reading the above posts and reflecting on them I know you guys are right. I was intending to contact him to make amends for the way I left things. I left him like, well, like a drunk would. But I ultimately know it was just a muse to get something going again.
Do you go to any gay meetings? Yes, this would be super hard, but you could just throw the question out there if anyone has come out later in life can they talk to you after the meeting. Talking to someone in the program about this would be extremely helpful because tons of shit comes out in early sobriety. You are like a walking raw nerve and all these feelings bubble up and you have to feel them and it's hard. No one can tell you what your sexuality is, only you can do that. But talking about it helps.
I have considered this, yes. There isn't a gay meeting within a few hours of me though. Perhaps I need to figure out a way. You are certainly correct about things bubbling to the surface, and now I don't have the luxury of hiding from them. Something else I've learned in sobriety is that I must deal with things. Burying it is as bad as hiding. Thank you for the suggestion.
To be honest, it's not up to him to tell you what you are or not. He's not you, and even if it's cliche, or something he's recognized, it's not anyone's call but yourself. Is it a common situation? Yes. You'd be amazed what denial can do to a person. Anything could happen, so just try to take things slow, and keep an open mind.
I hear you loud and clear, both what you are and are not saying. Thank you for the responses. I know it's pointless to worry about the future. I also know what someone else determines about me is if little consequence. I also understand that wanting to label myself is merely MY obsession, which also bares little (or no) value. This is another lesson I learned in AA. Thank you all for your comments, I always welcome more. It just helps to talk. Where I live there is no one I can talk to about this.
I read somewhere on this thread that so bisexual men have their wives fullfilling their homosexual needs. Roleplaying, Strap-on,... Speak with your wife! I am not really experienced in this scenari.
Yeah, she won't go for that at all. Homosexuality is something she isn't okay with at all. She doesn't hate gay people, but she isn't particularly accepting of them/us either.
I am really glad you shared this story, I understand it's difficult to talk about these things sometimes. I have to somewhat disagree with the other posters here. Bear in mind that this is merely my opinion, but I believe that you should contemplate on re-opening that past door. The fact that you mull over it often at present time is probably because there's something there that resonated deeply with you. From what you wrote, I felt strong sentiments there and I feel that it isn't just some "passing fancy." However, with all of that said, I have to strongly suggest open honesty with your wife. I do not think it's right to go behind her to explore this aspect of you, and I am certain you agree full-heartedly. In any case, I am open to discuss more about this with you, as I am sure there are many others who would too on EC.
Thank you for that. I didn't really say, but my first time with him was nine years ago. The last one was six. So I think you're right, it's not a passing fancy as you said. I will not go behind her back. I did enough lying when I was drinking. During these past several days, just the (not so serious) thought of sneaking around, and moreover the web of lies required to do so became genuinely exhausting and I'm not willing to go down that road again. I'm not ready to have this conversation with her. I don't know for sure if I ever will. I'm just going to play it by ear and see what the future holds.
