I am a woman in a relationship with a man for over a year now. I do love him and he is the most stable relationship I've ever had. He is my best friend in the whole world. He's perfect... except he's a he. Some relevant history: All my life I've known I've liked girls. My first 3 kisses were all girls. I had mild crushes on boys but I've never been sexually attracted to them. However, I am extremely attracted to women. I fantasize about women only. Now this part might be unusual and a little TMI so you can skip this paragraph. Throughout any sexual encounter I have had with boys, it hurts my vagina to be touched. Even a delicate light little touch. I have wondered if maybe this is a sign from my body that I don't want to be touched there by guys. I haven't been with a woman that far yet so I don't know if it would hurt if she were to touch there. It's sort of just a theory. I have been with a girl for above the waist things. It felt completely different than being touched by a boy. I can remember telling her how right it felt. Easy, comfortable. I felt like I was letting go with her. I feel like I'm a lesbian but I am with a man. I love him and don't necessarily want to lose him but I feel like there's something missing. He knows I prefer women and I've told him I'm not sexually attracted to men. I told him he's the exception. I have felt more sexual attraction to him than I have for any other man but it's very mild in comparison to women. We have had a conversation about me exploring my feelings for women. But then I'm afraid what if being with a woman is everything I imagine it to be and I can't go back to being with him? I don't know what I want. I feel like the world is trying to tell me something. I will be tuned out while driving and then suddenly hear a lesbian reference on the radio. Or I will open to a random page in a new magazine and see an article about lesbians. I find myself a bit jealous of the out lesbians I know because they're living the life I want. But I don't want that life at the same time because I love my boyfriend. Ugh. This was so long and rambling but I just needed to let it out. Hopefully someone can help me?
Hi I'm sorry I can't really advise you on what to do about staying in your relationship or not because only you can really decide if you are satisfied enough in it to stay and not explore your sexuality, or take the risk and experiment with girls. (though I would say that you may regret not taking the chance on girls since as you say you seem to be a lesbian or at least mostly attracted to girls, and even if you decide right now to stay in your relationship, you may eventually have to end it because of this. But please don't necessarily take my advice on this, just an opinion!) But what I really wanted to say is, have you heard of vaginismus? I don't have it myself so am not too knowledgeable about it but I follow a girl on tumblr who has it and it seems that there are various levels of severity, but basically it is "involuntary tightening of muscles around the vagina whenever penetration is attempted", and I think it can be psychologically induced, so if it is what you have it may be that for you, you only experience it when you are being intimate with men, and perhaps this is a psychological thing. Of course I can't diagnose you but I just thought you might like to know about it since it's what I immediately thought of when I read that. Hope this helps!
I've read about vaginismus and it probably is that. It happens even with light touches around the outside from men. However, not so much when I do it myself. I am trying to stay with him right now. He seems to be warming up to the idea of me experimenting. I feel so strongly that I'm a lesbian. I wish I could be open about that but I'd look a fool because I'm with a boy. I want to live as a lesbian too but I do love my boyfriend. He's the greatest soul I've met. I'm torn. Hopefully experimenting if I am able to get there will help. I'm hoping to make some lgbt friends to help me too.
