Finally admitted to myself that I am not a 100% heterosexual male. In a way I've always known my sexuality was a bit different but the idea of that just made me deny it and not even admit it to myself. I've only really had flings/ on night stands with women.. once it was a bit serious but never really developed. Looking back I've had chances to get with girls when I was younger I just never followed through. I always put it down to my social anxiety, which can be chronic, rather than my sexuality. Which was kinda stupid looking back now. I guess im confused because sex with women wasnt that great. It was kind of a let down I thought I would be all excited but I wasn't. On the other hand I'm a bit of a fetishist (I like to be dominated/foot fetish), but only with women. I actively pursue this and this does live up to my expectation, and I do enjoy it. I often fantasize about the fetish stuff with transsexuals (mtf) but never with men. I have been with a transsexual before and it was the best experience I've had to date. I gave my first blowjob and it was incredible... When i was with a guy it wasn't really the same. I wasnt that attracted to him which probably explains it but I still thought I'd get a bigger kick from being with a guy because I fantastize about it all the time. (Normal stuff nothing fetish here). Although it wasnt the best experience I cant stop thinking about being with a man. Chatting to them online on dating sites etc... I guess im confused because it's like I've compartmentalized my sexuality. One thing for women and transexuals and another for men. I think I would be more to the gay side of the spectrum but all these different feelings confuse me. I guess to summarize I fantastize about men women and transexual but the fantasies with men are usually stronger although sometimes not. I dont know whether I'm in denial so I force myself to think about women as well or im like a bit of an odd bisexual I dont knwo. I guess i'm looking for advice and opinions...im 23 by the way Thanks
I think what you've shared is a normal experience in many people who are bi or pans. I heard this metaphor from somewhere, it's like, you like waffles but now you realise you like cake too. Or something like that. Either way, about your attraction to men, that's something which I have experience with and I say that that is normal. Even though I am gay it doesn't mean I think about men ALL the time, that would be pretty unrealistic, not to mention tiring. Also I feel like a lot of people who are questioning their sexuality make this mistake: they go all the way with someone just to somehow "discover" their sexuality. I believe otherwise, it's a bit more subtle and takes patience, compassion and effort. I suggest you get to know some men, and really, treat them as you would with any other person with the intention and respect of genuine friendship. You may feel the subtleties of an attraction as you interact with some of them (not saying all), and then you'll know for sure.
Thanks for the advice. What you're talking about has happened once I met a guy in a pub and thought "I'd really like to go home with this guy" and I guess I was really attracted to him but too much in denial about my sexuality having any breadth at all to do anything. Another thing I didn't mention is that it changes often. Like over the past several years my attraction to different people changes constantly. Sometimes I think to myself "OK im gay, i am gay" that kind of felt good and even admitting it to someone online was like a huge weight lifted. But then like a few days like i'm thinking yeah but this fetish thing with women etc means I cant be gay because im still attracted to women bla bla bla... must be bi. Then im like "no im not gay" again some time later and it's just like back and forth like this. I know labels dont matter and how I define myself is really of not much consequence, nevertheless it's still quite confusing flip flapping all the time like some sort of politician. I suppressed my feeling toward men for so long worries this has screwed me up as well! Like maybe im actually gay but in so much denial I've made up this other stuff to make it less real I really don't know sometimes. Then other times I feel quite sure because im like "no i havent made this up i actually feel this way too" Is this normal too for it to change all the time like this ? :S
I believe it is. It's something called sexual fluidity. Personally, I believe that as a bisexual or pansexual you just come across different people in your life and you feel attracted to them and it's not so much about their gender/sex, it's just that they happen to be a particular gender/sex. I am not sure if this is the same in your case but it's something to consider. In any case, I don't feel like you're in denial, confused surely, but not in denial. You seem open-minded enough to consider the nature of your own sexuality and you don't seem to have any qualms about identifying as someone who is attracted to their own sex. Try not to stress out, I think you're doing the best thing for yourself right now, which is just to talk and explore these feelings intellectually.
