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Idk anymore

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Giggity95, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. Giggity95

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2016
    Messages:
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    Location:
    New york
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Ok before I go on with my story, this is my first time on any forum of this sort and I do not nor have I ever had any problems towards the LGBT community. I've known a few and we've had know trouble in communicating.

    Now that that's settled. I am confused as can ever be. All my life I have felt straight. I liked girls. All kinds of girls. I've had crushes on girls and had plenty of sex with girls in my life. I read that people try to recollect if they've had emotions towards the same sex but idk if it was a crush although a kid who was once my bestfriend didn't want to be my friend after his girlfriend hooked up with me to make him jealous when I was 14-15 and was unaware that she was actually trying to make him jealous and I thought she liked me. I cried, not because I had any sexual attraction but that was my only best friend and I enjoyed just doing bro things and what not. I know I really liked one girl when I was 16 and when she broke up with me I cried then too and was depressed for quite some time. Then after that I was determined to bang as many girls as possible from all over New York, no matter where they were located. I went from Brooklyn to queens to Staten Island and eventually led to Long Island and rockaway. I've had plenty of oral and actual sex with all these girls and enjoyed it all, some more than others but you get the point. One girl from brooklyn tho I had a real crush on and went over to her place. I really wanted to get her and I was somehow allowed to stay over after I said I'm sleeping over and she's like no doubt. So I'm in bed and this time I was shy as hell as I've been with hot girls but this girl was like no other and I didn't know what to do and fell asleep and didn't even get to kiss her and that upset me. Another girl from Brooklyn I had a crush on who was real cute with a nice body I hooked up but eventually she cut me off idk why. But anyway the girl I couldn't get with had a birthday party and I came through and tried to bag but some tool bad nicknamed hercules was there and was determined to get her so i settled for this other chick that was cute. She was on my lap but I didn't want her , I wanted the other girl, so bad, I was getting jealous and was like fuck this girl on my lap and called her a cab. I got really drunk and high after that , like to the point of no return and this old man started touching me while im on the couch laying down, I got hard and I realized what was happening and was like oh shit I got to gtfo now! He left to the bathroom and I went to find my shoes and on the way I got to kiss the girl I finally wanted all this time but this gay man got out the bathroom and followed me and such , I was so drunk and he kept talking and talking idk about what and then he gave me head which I recall enjoying and then I felt pressured to reciprocate and I didn't like it so I stopped after like 5 seconds and said yo wtf I'm out, at this point after busting a nut I sobered up. After this I felt scarred for some time but I forgot about it and got a girlfriend. We fell in love, and it was an amazing 2 years from 10/6/13-9/5/15. When I first met her, we had sex that first night and I was up and ready to go instantly. After that I kinda was treating girls like crap phase and idk she wasn't turning me on for a while but we did end up having sex and then I fell in love with her and my cock just rose to her every 5 seconds. Even if we weren't having sex I was just always getting hard around her no matter what it was. Throughout this relationship tho I was smoking weed and having some ridiculous gay thoughts that were driving me insane but when I would sober up I'd forget them. There was one instance where I was so smacked that in my math class I had a kid who I thought was mad cool looking and was deff banging mad chicks and I'm super high and started thinking he was good looking and stuff and I found myself in disgust like wtf. That wore off quick after I was done being high and saw my girlfriend who I was so madly in love with. So we break up and I cried again and again and was upset till about February maybe even March. In this period I was masturbating excessively to straight and lesbian porn where either the girl is the focus getting banged by a giant dick or the girls are just really hot in lesbian porn. Never gay porn or anything that doesn't make my dick move. Without my hands only straight and lesbian porn have made my dick go up . I realized I'm probably having low T and no drive for actual sex and the thoughts kept coming and coming but eventually I met a girl last December and we had sex which was good and all, she wasn't the cutest girl but I kinda liked her where her head was at (brain) so I let it slide , eventually she started annoying me and what not so I decided to smoothly cut her off by January so this was like a 3 week fling. After that month in January until February I was so focused on school and the gym but school overpowered the gym so I started comfort eating, jerking off ALOT and doing hw. In my class I had 3 cute chicks. One I talked to and she ended up not liking me, another was cute from the other side of the room but when I got close to her and talked I didn't think she was so cute anymore and she talked a ridiculous amount and I was like fuck it. And this other girl well she ended up feeling me so I went with it. We studied and hooked up but she had some ex she was getting over but she really wasn't over him and ditched me for him after hooking up. Prior to that tho, this girl was with me at my boys crib and we had time to ourselves and were about to have sex. I realized now that with alcohol I can't get hard, but we ended up kissing and I was hard in my pants but when I saw her body it wasn't that hot at all, like I would rather be celibate than have to bang her and when I took off my pants and she was giving me head I got soft and couldn't go and I didn't make anything of this as I know with alcohol I won't go up anymore not even with the girl I fell in love with for 2 years. But now is where it's getting crazy. I had quit weed when I was focused on school for 2 months and the thoughts slowly but surely subsided for the most part but on March 1st till 25th I relapsed and the thoughts came back again. And they were driving me insane. I felt like every dude I looked at was attractive and at several points I conjured because of all the anxiety. I don't mean to offend any of you this is my actual story as I was going nuts, all I want to is to get girls and not have a boyfriend or something like that. But the thoughts keep coming and I've quit weed since March 25th so it's been like 3 weeks. And just about an hour ago or well today I was reading some forum or some post idk about this dude talking about explicit gay sex that got me hard and I ended up masturbating and came like crazy. This has me feeling real bad and upset as I actually want to try and get with a girl in my class but feel like it won't go up if I do.. I'm really worried . I hope you guys can give me some insight as to what's going on because I really want to try and possibly get this girl and have sex with her and everything although I've yet to get an erection around her and it worries me. I know this is a long post I'm sorry but hope you take the time to read it , I'm now 20 years old and this is extremely frightening and interfering with my life tremendously, thank you.