I thought I was making progress, but now I am super confused again. My main problem is I really can't understand my feelings toward the opposite and the same sex. Is this a sexual attraction? Is this a romantic attraction? Is it an aesthetic attraction? I don't know. I can't tell the difference, is it even an attraction at all? I will try and list how I feel about both, maybe something sounds familiar to you and you can point me in the right direction to figuring out my feelings. MEN: When I see a guy I like, I like him mainly for his personality. It's always something that is a little quirky, a little awkward. I think it's cute. It is always I guy I know I can have fun with and build a great friendship with. I also notice his appearance and find certain things cute about him. The back of his neck, his deep voice, back, facial hair, etc, something like that. I see a guy and I think "yeah, I can probably date him, I would have lots of fun with him, I can even see myself marrying him." With guys it seems my attraction is mainly based on cute. This is cute about him, he is adorable, I like him I would not mind being with him. I probably pay more attention to his body than face. Where as with women I pay more attention to the face than the body. WOMEN: With women it is kind of more of a feeling. I really don't even like thinking about this honestly, but at the same time I do. If I see a woman I like, I just stare. I am attracted to certain features mainly on the face, I do notice the body too, but it is not what I am really focused on. I am not even sure if I pay attention to personalities as much with women, it is more based on the vibe I get. I don't know, it's just all feelings, I just get vibes, energy, sometimes an electric bolt kind of feeling. I also really want to touch her. I don't really see myself marrying a woman and I wonder if it is just because marrying a man is what has been ingrained into my head or I actually do feel that way. SEX: I have never been with a man or woman, but this is how I feel about sex with either gender having not done anything yet. I am okay with having sex with a guy I know and like, the thought does not gross me out. It can't be a stranger, but if it is a guy I built a connection and relationship with I do not see why I can't have sex. With women I can see myself having sex for sure. I would have to know her, but it does not have to be for that long and I don't have to build a relationship or a connection. I feel like I could easily have sex with a woman after dating her for only a day or two. I am just really confused. I can't sort my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I like women because I know it is wrong and it feels exiting. But sometimes it's not so much exiting as it is just nice. With men it feels right, it feels like that is what I am supposed to do. It's not really exiting or thrilling, it's just what feels right. It is funny how I say it feels right with men when I have rejected every man that wanted to date me because it always felt wrong. Not with men in general, just with those particular guys. I am just soooo confused. Am I a lesbian that just can't let go of men? Am I straight, but just intrigued by women? I feel like most likely I could be bisexual, but I really have a problem with that label and I know it is an issue I have to work out. Also, it does not feel like I am bisexual. I just want to focus on one gender and my feelings for both genders just seem extremely different. Sometimes I feel really asexual because I sometimes could not care less about either gender. Is there a sexuality where I don't mind men, I think women are hot and sometimes I really don't care about anyone?
Just to get this out of the way, the point about feeling asexual at times is normal. Nobody has sex drive all the time. I consider myself to have a rather high sex drive and sometimes I still feel nothing. That's not asexuality and its not really part of your orientation. Its just not being in the mood, general temporary apathy that you can feel towards anything or living a normal life where it's pretty unhealthy to be thinking about sex and relationships so much. From your description, whatever you say and whatever you do to intellectualise the issue, your feelings for women are clearly stronger. The idea of not wanting to marry a women is most certainly due to your lack of acceptance. We all go through stages limiting our attractions as we start acknowledging our sexuality "I could have sex with a woman, but I'd still marry a man not a woman", "I like the idea of dating women but tbh I would definitely end up settling down with a man"... "okay maybe I could have a long term relationship with a woman, but I feel it is much more likely that it would be with a man". This is all peeling back the layers to your true feelings. However, I am also similarly confused. I am simply allowing myself to be rather free of labels right now and allow experiences to define the label I use. USE. Labels are tools, you do not conform to a label you find a label that can conform to your feelings. for me MEN: I like men's figures. Abs and muscles. I used to draw them a lot. I notice hot guys on trains and such and I enjoy looking at them. I have no problem with the idea having sex with them, and there have been times when I've WANTED it. I have watched lots of gay male porn and perved over guys. I have crushed on guys and loved to observe little quirks but I rarely got to know their personalities. Most guys Ive been friends with are not ones I'm attracted to. Your description sounds more friendship-based. Is there ATTRACTION? Those vibes you describe with women. WOMEN: This feels stronger. I obsess over female celebrities and lesbian TV couples seem to call out to me. I love girls figures too. I love their smiles and looking into their eyes, and their hair when they mess it up a bit and their curves, their legs, their ass. Boobs. I like to watch them walking from behind. I Like to talk to them and make them smile, because it makes things light up. Their smell draws me in and then, as you said, I want to touch them. And when I do I shiver a little. This electric feeling, you say you don't want to think about it, but at the same time you do. YOU DO. It's brilliant and exciting and beautiful and the thing that love and passion is made of. That's why despite your inhibitions and doubts there is still something in you that WANTS to feel these feelings. Because they are yours and they are wonderful. In terms of marriage, I've imagined it more with men, and it seems nice. However, in reality, I am desperate to be in a relationship with a woman. In terms of sex, the idea of doing it with men seems rougher and exciting and pleasing, but the idea with women turns me crazy and I just imagine being able to finally fulfil all those desires to touch... You see, something being "nice", "okay", etc.. this is not the way people describe attraction and love and sex. It's intense and "electric" and sudden, and you wanna touch and you're EXCITED. Denying the intense feelings you have for women and settling for "nice" shuts you out from love and passion and all these great things in relationships. I think in my case there is a certain amount of sexual attraction to men that makes me confused, and until I have experience I'm putting myself at about a Kinsey 4 (even though I feel like I'm often knocking on the door of 5) and leaving myself free of labels. I have empathy with the idea of feeling something for both and not quite being able to accept the label "bisexual". The confusion and all that. So if I felt this was truly the case for you too I would say. But in your case, I do not see much evidence for attraction for men at all. Nice is not attraction. Freindship is not attraction. What I see in you is really fear, clinging onto heteronormative ideas, and the feeling that your just not ready to accept the idea of being a lesbian. Not like me where I struggle between the labels "bi" and "lesbian". You are struggling between "lesbian", and "compromise". NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR LIFE - YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.
Thanks. I appreciate your input and hearing about you, that was super helpful! It's really hard for me to sort it all out and having a discussion about this really helps.
To be honest, just like you I thought I was making progress myself with my sexuality. I finally thought I was bisexual but then I started to question myself again. The reason why is because like you, I do not know what my feelings are with men and women. MEN I had always liked men. I mean, come on! Their abs and muscles, their strong arms and everything! But I don't really like their beard or at least the really long beards I guess. I know that's unattractive. I mean to me that is. I do notice handsome guys and I do get nervous around them but I had never had the courage to actually talk to them for fear that they don't find me attractive at all. You can say that I was one of those girls who was never asked to prom back in high school. I would say that I would not mind dating a guy if he and I clicked you can say. However, the thought of having sex with them scares me for some reason. I heard its painful and to be honest, just the thought of having that THING inside me creeps me out. Maybe it's because I have never done the deed before and maybe that's why I am thinking that way towards sex with men. I used to dream about getting married to a man and spending the rest of my life with him but now I am not sure. WOMEN I never thought I would find women attractive. I mean, they are beautiful I just never thought of myself being attractive to them until I started questioning when I was 20( I am 22 now). I really love their body features for sure. And I love staring at their boobs and butt. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't mind dating a woman to see what would happen in the future but I always get scared and afraid of what the society would say. I know that sometimes you can get killed because you like the same gender and I don't want that to happen to me. The thought of having sex with a woman doesn't creep me out. I wouldn't mind having fingers in me or the tongue in me or doing sexual acts with women. I do get extremely excited when I do see a same sex female couple. When I see them I would stare at them the whole time in wonder. I have thought what it would be like being married to a woman in the future I can kind of picture it in my head but I am so not ready to get married to anyone right now. The reason why it is so difficult for me is because I was having a small crush on my female co-worker from work. I was attracted to her since the very first day she came into the break room to find her locker. She's really beautiful. I love her red curly hair. I love her personality. She would always be in a good mood and would have a smile on her face. And her body.. wow she does have a great body and I am kind of jealous of her boyfriend Dylan for having her. It really did scare me when I realize that I was developing some sort of crush on a straight woman. I can't rule out about having a relationship with a guy. I mean, it can happen. In fact, I am talking to a guy right now from online. His name is Hayden and he is a FTM. I don't mind him being a transgender I really don't. So far, we have this great connection and he's supposed to meet me today on my lunch break hopefully. I really can't rule out relationships with women either and to be honest like with guys it can happen. I just wish all this doubt and being scared would go away for once.
