Hi. I'm a 17 year old male and for the past 1 1/2 years I've been struggling with knowing my sexual orientation. I'll start from the beginning of my life. Ever since I was young I knew that I've liked girls (because I've had several crushes on them) I've had many relationships with girls and have liked everything about them. Yes, even the sexual part (kissing, touching). In my pre teen years I've had two same sex experiences,and I have been aroused to gay porn. I was very aroused in all situations. I've also had many opposite sex experiences and was also very aroused and I've viewed straight porn and lesbian porn and have been aroused. Ive also only had crushes on girls (from what I can remember). I've been in love with 3 girls and have been emotionally/sexually attached to girls. I've always been sure that I was straight before I had a dream about me having sex with another male 1 1/2 years ago. After that dream my world was torn apart. The first question I asked the Internet was what it means if I had a gay dream, it said it means I'm gay. I've seem to dismiss all my heterosexual experiences and have constantly been afraid if I was just hardcore in denial about being gay and have constantly checked everyday online if I'm attracted to men or women. Note that I've been watching porn since I was about 11. This has been a very tough time for me and I'd like some serious answers please. Thanks guys.
Well, let's see here... In and of itself, porn isn't a very good indicator because it's designed to be arousing. You've apparently had a number of opposite sex experiences and found them arousing, but you've also had some same-sex experiences and found them arousing (or very arousing, to paraphrase your words). Based on that I'd say it's possible you are bi or possibly pan. But, really, only you can make that determination. There's also nothing wrong with being bi, pan, or gay (or straight). The important thing is what feels right for you, not what other people think. Also, being bi doesn't mean that you have exactly equal attraction for both genders. You can be more often attracted to one gender but still feel attraction to the other, just not as often or as much or only for particular people or the like. Some things I'd suggest: 1) Take a break from porn for a while. Instead, try masturbating to just your own fantasies (and no, that doesn't mean replaying porn that you've already seen in your head). It may take a little practice, but with some imagination you can have as much, or more, fun with fantasy as you can with porn. 2) When you're masturbating, over some number of sessions, try this (in no particular order): a) Try masturbating to a fantasy about straight sex. b) Try masturbating to a fantasy about gay sex. Do it without any judgement about what you 'should' be fantasizing about. Also, (and because a lot of people seem a bit confused on this point) 'gay sex' doesn't just mean anal sex. It can mean oral, mutual masturbation, body contact, kissing, etc. So go with what gives you the most pleasure and strongest reaction, not with what porn or society tells you you 'should' be imagining doing for it to qualify as 'sex'. c) Try masturbating, but this time just relax and let your mind go wherever it wants. No pre-conceived ideas about what you 'should' be thinking about. No judgement about what you do think about. Just go with what feels good. Where does your mind go? For all three of these (or more if you want to try each more than once), which one felt best? The answer can be a better indicator than porn. 3) Go out in the world one day and allow yourself to be 'gay for a day'. Spend the day checking out guys. Remember, for this day you're allowed to do so without guilt or expectation that you should be checking out women. At the end of the day, look back on your experience. How did it feel? Now do the same thing but check out women. Compare the two experiences - did you find that you enjoyed one significantly more than the other? Both about the same? Something else? 4) Finally, stop with the daily 'testing' yourself (by looking at porn I'm guessing) to try to figure out if you are gay or straight. From what I've seen on OA, that kind of thing mainly just stresses people out and doesn't resolve anything. A better approach might be to just 'go with the flow' and see where your urges take you. If it feels good to check out a woman, do so and enjoy it. If it feels good to check out a guy, do so and enjoy it. Enjoy your life and let the labels take care of themselves. Hope this helps, Todd
