Since i was a little girl i've been attracted to girls.. i never took much time to think of it or wonder why is it happening.. it came and go for years and years i had crushes on girls and then on boys as well and refused to accept it.. until few years ago, when i was 18 and i saw this girl and i felt like... thunderstruck.. there is no other word to explain it. I had never felt like this before. There was mutual interest but much of distance, she found a girl and moved on i found a guy and moved on. But now it's my main problem. I've done stuff with girls but never had a wholesome sexual experience or had a relationship with any of them. All my relationships were with boys. I never had a problem starting one with a girl, but every time i was close to it something came in the way and couln't.. until i met my boyfriend and fell in love with him.. I've been with him for almost 3 years and i love him but it feels like there is another side of me struggling to come to the surface and i don't let it happen.. my boyfriend knew about my sexual orientation since the first day and he recently told me: "i'm afraid that one day this will come out and you'll leave me". It sounds impossible to me but it kinda feels like it's true... How should i deal with it? I don't wanna ruin anything but i don't wanna lose myself either.. Sorry for this long text...
Daenerys, this post is probably better suited for the Sexual and Romantic Orientation section of the forum. I'm not a mod so I can't move it, but just saying. Anywho, sounds like you're struggling with your sexual orientation and how to express it. The good news is that you've been honest with your BF from the start. Continue that honesty if you want your relationship to survive. However, it sounds like you aren't getting all your needs met. Without knowing more about your relationship and your personalities, it's hard to suggest a path forward but talking with him about options is probably a good start. You'll want to reassure him that you love him and want to stay with him, if those statements are true. The way to keep yourself from exploding from repressed desires is to act on them in healthy ways. This can be role-playing, bringing in another partner, having an open relationship, etc. The limits are only bound by your and your BF's imagination and willingness. Setting "ground rules" at the beginning that are realistic and fulfill both of your sexual desires are important. Sometimes, the scariest part is the initial conversation. Good luck!
I think it'd be wise to repost your thoughts in the Sexual and Romantic Orientation thread, because you'll get more responses really relating to the subject there. But aside from that, Be honest with him! Things happen, and that's okay. But you're not gonna get anywhere by doubting yourself, and him doubting you and whatnot. If he has those worries, and you do too, talk to him about it. Maybe consider dating other people along side your boyfriend? People change, and you shouldn't have to lose yourself. But at the same time you're in a relationship and kinda owe it to your boyfriend to be open and honest with him. I'm sure he has some thoughts as well.
As the others have pointed out, this may be better suited to the Sexual Orientation sub-forum. No worries though, I'll move that over for you now! Hopefully you'll get some helpful advice there.
Thank you all for your responses. My boyfriend has been really understanding all along, even though he doesn't seem really enthusiastic talking about it and looks annoyed when i bring it up.. Indeed starting this conversation looks like it's the most hard part of the story mostly because i don't want our relationship to be worn out.. What if eventually changing anything in the relationhip turns out to be disastrous.. i've been thinking of this since we decided to be together, although it now feels more serious 'cause we started making plans about moving in together, leading me to a way of life that i could never feel complete as a person and cutting of all the possible experiences that would let me know who i really am. I have to seriously consider starting this conversation before it's too late...
