Hello everyone , i've been trying to write this somewhere for a year and i think i finally found a place to tell my story .. I'll keep my name secret because i am still not confortable with myself.. So.. Last week i tried to kill myself.. And i failed at something as simple as killing myself.. But after that i thought that it was time to talk with someone. I don't know if i am straight bi or gay and it is driving me crazy .. I know i shouldn't be hard on myself to put a label etc.. But i feel like it is the only way for me to be happy again.. It feels wrong to say i am gay or straight and it feels weird to say i am bisexual.. Looking at my life you could say i am straight, only dated girls got laid many many times and enjoyed it ! Felt in love and had many relationship with girls . To be honest i thought i was straight ! I really thought i was .. I never questioned it ! Of course i had some weird event for a straight guy (masturbating on shemale porn from time to time) but never once thought i was anything else but straight.. One day i started to wonder if i was gay because i was saying how beautiful an actor was and someone told me "man that is so gay" Usually i don't care about it , i am really confident about my sexuality , confident enough to say that that guy is sexy without wanting anything from him . But this time it triggered questions and everything started like this.. Fast foreward 1year later : 1 year of questioning , testing myself , looking at pictures and videos etc .. Now my attraction toward girls nearly vanished , i have hard time to get it up with girls and i can look at a sexy body and nice breast without any reaction ( despite my mind screaming WHY IS IT NOT WORKING ON ME ANYMORE) werease my attraction to guys suddenly appeared and now i get erection to muscular and sexy guys as if it all reverted .. I used to look at guys without any reaction now i get gay urges and boner to strong masculin guys with nice muscles .. During one year i spent most of my time crying because i became something else.. I wouldn't have a problem if i was gay from the beginning .. But male body were not sexy at all to me.. I was jealous of them , some body envy to the point where i started gym to look more like them but never been aroused by them.. I still have sex with girls , usually my body respond but it feels fake.. I am christian if you want to know , and yes in my religion and in my mind homosexuality is a sin (not abomination or something that you can choose) but it is a sin for me but i accept and respect it and feel a lot of repost for the LGBT community to be able to be courageous enough to accept themselves . So here i am now , hardly aroused by girls , usually aroused by muscular guys (never a full erection tho but it might be an acceptance issue) when it used to be the complet opposite . I do feel sentimental attraction to girls i meet but also for my best male friend even if he is not the type of body that arouse me . I pray every nights to return as i was before all this but it never worked so i came to conclusion that god wanted me to become the way i am. Why ? i don't know but if there is a god who knows and control everything he made me turn/realize gay for a purpose . The thing is i can't accept that i am gay.. When i say it i try to hang on every small indication that i am straight (a boner to a girl , a fantasy, my eyes looking at a girl thinking "she is so cute") when i say i am straight it feels fake and usually i get horrible tingling/electric feeling in my penis every time i see a shirtless guy at the gym When i say i am bi i try to figure out if i am more straight or gay . usually it is like this : My particular type of girls (that are more sexually arousing than beautiful;the type i'd fuck not the type i'd go on a date and cuddle) -> muscular guys -> both other guys and girls because i don't feel any arousal for them (i used to feel arousal for all girls if they where at least sexy to me) usually novelty also play a role.. i mean i have seen naked girls for years and never took time to look in a sexual way at guys .. maybe it was there all along but i should have felt something while sleeping with guys at parties , while drunk , while looking at porn (i never looked at guys in porn since i discovered porn) etc.. i came across HOCD it could be it but they don't get aroused or erect .. they are just fearing being gay not feel arousal.. I feel afraid and aroused so it must be something else..
First of all good for you that finally decided to talk about how you feel. Accepting who you are takes lots of time because it's like taking an 180 turn to what you thought you are. No matter how open minded you are it's different when it happens to you. When we get an idea stuck in our heads we tend to push ourselves to that direction trying to fit pieces of our past to the question we have in our minds. I see your worries about being a siner. I'm a religious christian and this has been a real big deal in my mind. If this is who you are though there is nothing you can do, 'cause pushing it aside will probably lead you to more suicide attempts which obviously is not the right solution. Deal with the problem properly not by trying to suppress it but by trying to accept it. Say to yourself "i'm a good man and i might be gay and there's nothing wrong about it" and say it multiple times and believe it. Then relax and take some action. Try to approach a guy and test yourself. If it feels right you're gay, it's who you are and it's okay.. if not then you'll know that i was all you just being curious about a part of life you had never explored. Only when you know what you are you can step to the part of the true acceptance and when you make it through.. then trust me you'll feel deeply happy!
