Hi, I am 20 years old and really questioning myself about my sexuality. I have always liked girls (especially busty girls) but yet i have all sorts of fantasies towards guys. I am a virgin and watch porn a lot. I usually watch straight porn and sometimes gay porn. I watch both since i am 14 years old. I often search for big dick in the straight porn(in gay porn also). I love seing a girl worshiping a cock, sometime wishing i was the girl, sometime the guy. The reason i am questioning myself is that i get to fantasize about some of my guy friends too, imagining they have big dicks and wishing i could suck them. I know i would love it. But at the same time i dont see myself living with a guy, or having a relationship with one, its mostly a sexual attraction. And on the other side, i never slept with a woman, i would like to try, but i feel like girls are always friend-zoning me. They always see me as the nice guy. I had one girlfriend when i was 16 and we almost did it. I was really turned on by her, so i know i am definitely not gay, but yet i dont feel like bisexual is something that really represents me completely. (Maybe i am scared of labels) Since a couple of months i started to watch a lot of coming out stories, gay movies, gay kiss scene, started to read about sexuality,a lot of forums and gay magazines and felt sometimes at the right place but also felt like i was taking the wrong path (i am not religious anyhow), so here i am, felt like i could use some help from you guys. Does someone have an idea of what i am going through ?
Do you feel like you might be unconsciously unwilling to accept that part of yourself? Even if consciously you are OK with it, I feel like (at least this has been true for me) for my entire 20 year existence, I have had heteronormativity drilled into me. You know, instead of "whoever you marry" it was "whoever your wife is", things like that. I was starting to find myself picturing my future with a wife and kids and such. Even now, despite knowing that I am not straight (not speaking for you of course) I find it hard to picture myself dating/having sex with let alone marrying another dude. I say give it some time, and don't rush to compartmentalize yourself, especially if you are confused or unsure. You are you before you are anything else, including and especially who you choose to sleep with. Hope it helps a little bit, and I hope you find an answer that makes you feel happy and comfortable with yourself.
Around the age of 20 I very much felt the way you did. Now, you very well could be bisexual as that seems to fit best what you've described. However, you're still relatively new to the world of raging hormones. You obviously have SOME attraction to both sex - so you're somewhere on the spectrum between completely straight and completely gay. Whether that means you're absolutely into either sex is a mystery. Porn is a bad indicator of what you're into - some lesbians for example will watch gay porn yet have no interest in guys in real life. If you're thinking about dicks a lot, you're probably some degree of gay. My straight male friends don't do this. They might appreciate a nice dong, but that's about it. Really what let me know for certain (and I'm not saying you have to do this) was for several years in my late teens/early 20s, I dated women. When I finally got around to kissing (and doing more with) a guy, I knew how much better it felt to kiss a guy. It felt "right." It may take several more years before you really know what you like. Your best bet at this time is probably to just say you're "questioning" and don't act quickly to slap a label onto yourself. I'm gay, but does that mean I'm never attracted to a girl ever, even a little bit? Absolutely not. It just means I have a MUCH greater attraction to guys. Regarding you being unsure about a relationship with a guy: when I was new to being gay I was incredibly unsure about it as well. Gay dating is NOT like straight dating. Aspects of it are the same, but there are different rules, norms, and attitudes dictating how gay dating works. Straight relationships don't really worry about who will be the top and bottom for example. If you are gay or bi and want to try dating guys, it will take time getting used to it. It takes time getting used to being in a relationship in general. You can be completely fulfilled and happy in a gay relationship if that's the route you want to go. It would probably do you some good to meet other LGBT people. If you attend university/college I would recommend looking into joining a gay-straight alliance or some other type of meet-up group. Hearing others' experiences really helped me to learn about gay culture and know I wasn't alone in what I was feeling.
Thanks for your message ! In some kind of way, i might be unconsciously unwilling to accept that part of me. I sometimes say to myself that in a world where homosexuality would be more accepted, I would not be scared to say how i feel about guys. The hardest thing for me right now is to try to figure out if I am confused because i dont want to accept that part of me, or its because i am not attracted to guys as much as i think. But like you said i should give it sometime, time will tell hopefully. ---------- Post added 26th Apr 2016 at 10:46 AM ---------- Thanks for your message ! I actually go to university and i have been informed about LGBT groups, but the idea of going meet people in this group scares me a lot. I have also tried some gay dating apps, but got a little bit creeped out. Its like i would like to meet other guys like me but without having to be publicly out there. it may take several years, but right now i am still questioning. I have some attraction for guys, i just don't really know what to do with it. I get to question myself a lot during the day especially when i see hot guys in the street, at the gym, in class etc. It makes me overthink a lot.
