Was this my first love?

Hello everyone!


First, I'd like to apologize for the extreme long post here below. If you guys are willing to read this thing i will thank you in advance (there may also be grammatical errors :O )

So, i turned 16. The stereotypical age where a one develops a crush on a member of the opposite sex and tries to persue them.
I thought it was going to be just like that, thinking: ''Maybe i'll find a boy worthy enough to give my first kiss to.'' I wanted my first kiss to be special and all of that bullshit. I was a true romantic and a very critical one as well.

This was not the case when i kissed one of my best friends at a party. She was drunk, i was sober. It was not at all special.

Why did I kiss her?

Because, for some reason or another, i became extremely jelous and possesive when she dared other people to kiss here. I, for some reason, tried to intervene and prevent that from happening. I ended up kissing her. I gave my first kiss away.

We kissed some more. I loved it. She smelled great and her lips were damn soft. I had never, ever in my life experienced the tendency to kiss someone.

The next following months i was cheerful as hell though i knew she and i would never work. I knew she had flaws, i knew that we would clash. Still i adored the shit outta her. i wanted to attend every party she would go to. Party = an opportunity to kiss/make out with her/sleeping in the same bed/ a lot of touching.

Spin the bottle was only fun when she was playing along.

So you're thinking i was realising that i developed some sort of crush on her right? Nope, it did not even cross my mind. Because crushes are for someone of the opposite sex, right?

Now, from the beginning of our friendship i was immediately sensually attracted to her. That was something new for me. I never wanted to be THat intimate with someone, not even my parents or good friends. I was not really fond of hugging. Except when she came along. Within the first two weeks of becoming friends with her I wanted to hug her. I felt immediately jelous when she would hug other people.

I never wanted to lose our friendship. We had a lot in common and liked the same things. Even though i felt comfortable with her, there was this side of me which felt nervous. I wanted to impress her for some reason, not let her down, be the perfect person. If she asked sth from me i would always give it to her. I wanted to give her the best spot. She never bothered me, but i was always feeling that i was bothering HER. (with other friends i would not give a damn shit. if i wanted to talk to them, i talked to them.)

After the kiss i felt a sort of jelousy-overload to anyone who she was physically involved with. Every boy she kissed was a dickhead and all the girls she'd kiss i was extremely jelous of.

Soon, due to the fact i knew she and i would never be a thing (god i could not even THINK about that, that would be too weird (because she was one of my BEST FRIENDS)),i started to see her flaws more clearly. She was not perfect, she never was and she started to annoy me. For some reason i got real bitter about the whole situation (me being jelous/sad when she was with other people. Even new friends she made. she spent a lot of time with them) and got into depression mode. I was acting bitter especially towards her: ''Pf, if she wants to talk to me, she will come''

( I was desperately waiting for her to come towards me.)

I got out of this unhappy slur and continued with my life. However, i still regarded this whole situation as normal for best friends right? Jelousy of other people? feeling off when she was not a school for a day? Wanting so sit next to her? wanting to hold her hand?

Wanting to kiss her?



It is weird, because if you change the she for a he, everybody will say ''man you were whipped and so totally in love'', but if you leave it like this people will still regard it as ''gal pal stuff''.

Everyone loves differently and i know that, but what do you guys think?

Thanks for reading this, have a great day :icon_bigg

 

Yea this whole situation was really weird haha,

I mean, i got to know her when we were both 14. It's an age where you don't know much about yourself yet and have yet to discover all the secrets of the universe. You know nothing of love at that age, you just simply don't, because you have yet to experience it.

Kissing her did not even make me realise i could be sth else then straight. I thought i was heterosexual with extreme high standards who loved kissing girls.

When i started to become bitter i realised sth else could be going on. Was i not straight?

I was 17 when i started to see everything more clearly: There could be a possibility i was in love with one of my best friends, but i could not believe it and still am a bit doubting about all these confusing thoughts. So that's when i came across emptyclosets

Now I am 18, still trying to figure out what kind of person i am regarding sexuality and romance, and i still have that weak spot for her...

Thanks for your replies, it helped a lot. Have a great day you guys

 

''It's hard when your first love seems like an intense friendship''

This exactly! It still feels weird haha.

---------- Post added 21st Apr 2016 at 10:51 PM ----------

It's great to hear that you love hearing my story and I feel so calm now that I know that I am not the only one!

A huge thanks to you, I don't know what to say really.

 

Hah ikr, the obsession and the ''Day's happiness would depend on how much attention she gave me''. Exactly that. Hug was extra bonus and kiss on cheeck was EXTRA bonus and kiss in general was just ugh EXTRA EXTRA Bonus.

I slowly fell out of love, but still have a little spark inside of me, little hope that sometimes she will kiss me again. So there's still something hah. She still smells sweet.

But it's so unclear sometimes. Is it an intense friendship or is this sth else? Even more when you are not a sexual person/demisexual or just grey-asexual.

I always tell that I am more of a sensual person instead of a sexual one. I Immediately if i like to touch them or not. Sexual? I don't know. I can emerge, or not.

Anyways, I also would make weird noises when she would text me first, thinking: ''Omg she want to talk to me omg omg yass''

My friends also tease me with the: You are in love with her, but more in a subtle way, no direct ''You are in love with her arent ya?''.

Glad it helped you. You at least cared greatly for her. I wrote this to myself when figuring out my feelings:

You loved her. I am not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself but anyone paying attention could see how much you care about her

 

Thanks for the compliment, I love to write so this encourages me

And yeah I think so too, if I think would've known then that I was in love. I am still a bit in love with her.. Still.. first loves will never be forgotten.

Thanks for commenting, have a nice day