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Feeling like i need a label

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Loppox, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. Loppox

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    Hello everyone,

    So, scince my first half make-out session/first kiss with a girl (2 years ago), i was feeling great for 9 months after that. I discovered I loved kissing girls. Girls were beatiful anyway, but also kissing them whoah damn. I was completely okay with that fact. Still, i did not feel the need to label myself. I did not even realise i was sth else then straight. At the same time i did not realise I WAS straight because I was discovered LGBT+ shows and got into femslash. The beginning of my sexuality had awokenend as well.. Boys were nowhere to be found in my mind though.

    However,when i was talking to my mom, the subject of romance came up. (This was 9 months after ..). It went a bit like this:

    Mom: ''Yeah and later you will marry a man-''

    Me: ''Or a woman.''

    Mom: '' Naahh..

    Me: ''It could be a possibility''

    So basically I opened up a bit to her, but not completely. This was very rare, because i always tell my mom everything. We have a great mother-daughter relationship and she is very supportive.

    The fact that she did not believe I could end up with a woman had triggered sth in me: ''The whole world assumes i am straight, because that is common''. And i was so completely obsessed with girls, I did not really think about labels and such.

    I got into over-analyzing mode because i started to question my sexuality. I became so rational to the point i completely shoved my feelings away. Or in any case: I questioned any feeling i had.

    Were my feelings for girls real? Could i be gay? Am i lying to myself? There is still always a possibility of course? You are only 17?? what are you even? Is this a phase?? Have you ever had crushes on boys? And even if you did think you had, were they real anyway? No? Yes?

    I got so stressed out by all of these questions that i wanted to answer but couldn't. I knew i just had to wait, you don't know what the future holds. But for some reason i could not calm myself down and get into relax-about-it- mode. I had to HAVE control, which meant a label, which meant find proof.

    Proof?

    I was not a sexual person, and never really was. I only started fantasizing after that freakin kiss.

    Could i be influenced? Did i need to give guys a try? Was I only into girls at that time because my first kiss was a girl??

    But at the same time, while i tried to think about kissing or fantasizing about guys it did nothing. No excitement, just boredom. Or was i lying to myself? Was i trying to be gay or sth? Or was i actually excited?


    These questions are filling my mind for the last year almost every day. They keep pestering every feeling that i feel. I can't do anything sexual to myself anymore because i will block because of these thoughts. I feel horrible. I feel like i have to be sure about all of this.

    I was okay with liking girls untill i was not.

    What should i do? (probs wait lol, still so young)

    Thanks for reading this, have a great day :icon_bigg
     
  2. LoyalGryffindor

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    It's totally okay to like girls and you don't need a label.
    For example, some people choose to identify as "queer", which can be used to define anyone who isn't straight. It's definitely a label that I'm still considering using myself!
    It's a label that really feels like you aren't putting yourself in a box.
    But anyways, from what you have said, it definitely sounds like you're attracted to girls. You're the only one who can know for sure. Just look deep down, do you see yourself with a guy or a girl? Believe yourself!!

    Good luck!!!! :slight_smile: <3
     
  3. Loppox

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    Thanks for answering :grin:

    The real reason why i want to put myself in a box is because of my surroundings, especially my mother: ''I can see you in a relationship with a woman, but i think you will end up with a man.''

    When she made this comment I had not fully openend up to her about my feelings. For the past year I discussed my feelings about sexuality more often with her. She has a different attitude now: ''I don't know who you will end up with, i just want you to be happy.''

    This made me really happy. Even I don't know who I will end up with, because I am still so young and feelings can change. I don't want to put myself in a box, because what if it limits me in my feelings unconsciously? If i put myself in a box, my whole world will change, because my surroundings are gonna react to it.

    Let's say I put myself in the box: Lesbian.

    If I am sure of this box, my surroudings will adapt. They will mention ''Look at that cute guy'' less when I use that label. This can result in limiting my view and that's scary but can be freeing when you are absolutely certain of the fact that you are, in fact, a lesbian.

    Am I sure about that fact? no, and I think I never will be.

    That's the thing that bothers me the most: I can never say for sure that I gay, nor straight.

    Like you said I can identify as queer. I do so now, but people often regard it as bisexual and that bothers me. I don't feel bisexual. But i also don't feel straight, gay, etc.

    I feel nothing. (although before questioning all of this and being not anxious about it, I felt sooo gay :'D )

    And that is okay, untill people start to ask questions hahahahahah.

    Most of the time I'll just say i don't fucking know man, life's weird. Just to avoid the whole situation lmao.

    Thanks for the reply, have a great day :grin:

    ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2016 at 10:36 PM ----------

    That's a thing lol i don't believe myself,

    just like i did not believe myself that i could possibly like girls.

    I am constantly feeling this: ''Your feelings can be fake or change, you are only 17.''

    Constantly doubting your own feelings is very tyring :')

    This is how I, for 3 whole years, did not realise i was completely whipped for this girl. 3 fucking years :')
     
    #3 Loppox, Apr 21, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2016
  4. Loppox

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    I dont know lol, I doubt everything nowadays :')
     
  5. laviedadele

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    I could've written this. It is so consuming and I go round in circles, sometimes I'm so sure, then I swing back. I find if I keep myself busy it's easier to escape the constant noise and reasoning. I wonder if I've conditioned myself to like girls because I'm more comfortable around them and I have no confidence with guys, like I've never pursued/been pursued by a guy I think is hot, its always been ones that are odd/not my type. However, the feeling I got when I drunkenly kissed a stranger who was a girl, compared to the 'meh' of the guy I thought that I thought was really hot and had a crush on.. I just can't ignore that.
     
  6. Loppox

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    Omfg yes this exactly. Super sure and then bam unsure again.

    I do the same thing, keeping myself busy. Sometimes it's hard though because it fucks with my daily life: I can't sleep, can't concentrate, hard time staying focused on the things i like.

    But when i am sure, i feel so comfortable with everything that I do. It's weird.

    And like you said the feelings we had for kissing girls, we can't ignore those :')

    I've been persued by guys, but only started noticing when people pointed it out. I was so not busy with being in a relationship with guys or anything untill THE confusion started.

    I feel like I have to constantly ''check'' my sexuality, thinking with everyone, especially guys, thinking: ''Do i feel anthing? Do i feel anything? I FELT SOMETHING? what is that tho? am i asexual? Do my hormones/instincts have yet to come??''

    I've always felt very comfortable with guys tho, in a friend way. Just chill.

    When I am with girls I am intrigued by, I start this emotional rollarcoaster. From feeling totally low when I have not talked to them for a day to feeling extremely happy when they talk to me.

    Glad I am not the only one! :grin:
     
  7. nuggetbiscuit

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    I had the same conversation with my mother it's like truman show lol.

    I am trying to figure myself out so we are in the same boat. It is obvious you like girls: you kissed a girl you liked it and fantasized about it. It is totally okay.

    If you think it is really necessary to label yourself you can take a look at the kinsey scale and see which level you are at, not for sure of course. This might be a relief.

    And you are right saying we cannot know what future will bring so try to relax, I know it's so fucking hard but try. You are not just your sexual orientation, you are more than that.

    I hope everything will be more clear (*hug*)
     
  8. Loppox

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    You are totally right and i knew I would get answers like yours. It is one of the reasons why I am here, because I cannot talk about this with my friends. Not on a personal level anyways..

    Messages like yours calm me down.

    And yea I've known about the kinsey scale for 2 years now, I seem to get gayer every year (as I am opening up to my feelings and analyzing them, etc) :'D.

    We are indeed more than that, but the fucking questions man. Everybody is so nosy. Just stop, can we eat pizza instead? No, they gotta be nosy.

    The feeling i needed a label stemmed from the feeling that i was not sure, or am sure, that my mom not 100% believes me that I have had feelings for girls. That's okay tho and totally normal, I have not yet spilled all of my feelings, but quite a lot..

    So if someone like my mother (who knows me really, really good) is dubious about it, you begin to think: ''Does this person now me better then I know myself? that is not even possible right? but still..''