Please help! Was i wrong? Have i hidden it all this time?

This is going to be a long post, I'm sorry, I just want everything to be clear. I'm really confused at the moment and could really do with some advice from the community and not just my (gay) best friend.

Iv always said I was bisexual. When I was very young, I met a girl online, and she turned out to be the love of my life, my soul mate. People often belittle that because we where young, but age can't cheapen what we felt,and I still feel. Sadly, through circumstances I won't go into, she died. I will also add at this point it was a fully long distance relationship (different countries). I swore she would be the only woman I would ever love, so didn't really look at females from then on. As for men, after a traumatic period in my late childhood, I reacted by sleeping around a lot, with a lot of men. I find sexual attraction to men very easy, but any relationships never lasted, I always ended up seeing them as friends and freaking out at lots of physical contact. As soon as I realise that a man is more serious than a friendship with occasional sex, I push them away, it just doesn't feel right. And now, after repeating the same pattern yet again, I'm wondering if maybe there's more too it. The biggest things I want out of life are marriage, kids and financial security, and maybe I'm going through these relationships because iv grown up believing that all that has to come from a man. Yes, I'm sexually attracted to men, but aside from that, do my feelings ever go deeper than friendship? Am I making myself feel and do these things in relationships to try fulfil those enforced life ideas about men? The only 2 successful relationships iv ever had have both been women, the girl I spoke about at the start, and an incredible girl I dated a few years later, who although I was incredibly happy, I ended it with because I still felt like I was cheating on my first girlfriend. So please, help me.. if you've read all this utter drivel, you can see how much this has been running in my head. Am I gay? Have I been ignoring that inside myself all this time? Or does the sexual attraction to men mean I'm not gay. I just know that bisexual doesn't seem right anymore, it feels like something deeper is going on. Thank you so much to anyone who reads this, and takes the time to reply, I appreciate it more than you can understand xx

 

Thanks for replying! Yes, I spent 13+ years in therapy. My interest in women came before trauma as well, my first girlfriend was before that happened