I feel like a lesbian... were feelings for guys ever real?

I just woke up from a hot dream about a distinctly gay friend I had back when I was 14-15 who I'm pretty sure now I had a crush on... I was just reflecting on how I've always had these really gay dreams and only recently have they stopped freaking me out. And I was thinking that I would write this thread I've wanted to write for a long time but keep stopping myself from doing because I know no-one can really answer. But I just sorta wanna write it anyway...

Basically, last Septemberish age 17, after discovering lesbian fanfiction and spending a summer watching the L word on instruction from my gay male friend, while taking the whole thing as a joke, I developed a crush on a friend of mine and had an epiphany that I was probably bi. Bi because I had spent most of my early teenage years I had thought plenty about boys and watched a lot of gay male porn. However, after discovering the gayer side of me, I spent some time thinking a lot about being with girls and suddenly my feelings for guys seemed to start to disspate. Now I feel like a lesbian... and I'm trying to look back and see how I could have thought so much the opposite back when I was 13-14. I will break my feelings down into CRUSHES, CELEBRITIES, FANTASIES, PORN, HOMOPHOBIA, EXPERIENCES.

CRUSHES: I pretty much had a male crush every year of secondary school (ages 11-16). Its almost like I felt like I needed one at all times. They were never strong enough to compare to my recent female crushes, and I never pursued any of them properly because I was a total loser at that school. The one I had at about 13 asked out my friend one day and I just decided to politely stop crushing on him - a similar thing has happened with female crushes this year... and it has destroyed me with jealousy I swear, and I try so hard to just be nice to them, but I cannot politely stop crushing. I cannot decide whether this jump in feelings is maturity or sexuality based. Or if its just to do with the fact that I never thought I had a chance before.

There's a few female crushes I can identify in my old school. When I was about 13 I was sat next to this girl in English class and I got really excited about it. I would muse in my head about how she has that classic beauty I'd imagine a fantasy olde worlde queen to have... I would feel rather honoured when she spoke to me.. and I always wanted to touch her arm on the desk. There was this French teacher I had when I was 14-15 who was so kind and funny and very beautiful. I used to watch her from afar and wonder how she made her weird outfits look so divine when she was wearing them. And the girl I mentioned in the first paragraph. She had a boyfriend and two boys pursuing her and I always got the distinct impression that she couldn't choose because none of them meant that much to her, apart from the one who was her good friend, who I think she felt obliged to like because they got on well... I wished she would stop going on about them. I thought her hair was beautiful, I knew I just loved to hug her (and I'm not much of a hugger at all), she used to tease me by caressing my face and saying "I love you" and such as a joke and I just enjoyed it too much... I wondered what I would do if she fell for me, because she seemed gay to me... but it never occurred to me I was. So I just went on being an over-eager friend who bought her an xmas present without expecting anything in return etc.

At my new school... its a girls school. Last year... I was working hard, I can identify maybe one passing crush but nothing much. But at the end of the year I went on a school trip to Paris and met some of the girls I would become friends with this school year. One of them I saved from rather aggressive African salesmen lets call her Y ... one of the salesmen said "She's my wife!" and I had a rather strong compulsion to say "no, she's MY GIRLFRIEND" but that was ridiculous, I barely knew her yet. The next year me and Y became good friends, and I had this strange experience where we ended up spooning and my heart went crazy and I like accidentally sighed all the air out of my body... and then the first time I got drunk, and I just had this compulsion to touch her and almost to kiss her at the end... A few days later, listening to Cool for the Summer, is when I decided I must be bi. I literally never considered that I liked girls before. But I didn't want to freak her out, so I tried to leave this crush behind a little and eventually I developed a crush on another friend X, a kind and very hot bisexual girl... But Y would still weave her way back in sometimes... There has never been any crushes in my life that have made me feel so out of control and crazy and sensual as these... AND THEN THEY GOT TOGETHER. They hid it from me for 2 months and I thought I was getting so paranoid. When Y told me at a party... I went crazy and drank so much I vomited for about 2 hours. I still haven't really got over it but for the sake of ur friendship I act like I'm totally chill. I feel like I'm acting all the time and its exhausting...

Yeah so, in conclusion, my female crushes have been so much more sensual, uncontrollable and jealousy-inducing than male ones that I often wonder if the male ones meant much at all. I don't really see myself with a bf the same way as before after that.

CELEBRITIES: All my fav celebrities have always been female, despite me being such a boyish kid. I have maybe 3 male celebrity crushes that I've managed to hang onto and none of them have demanded the attention of my harem of female ones... When people ask me about my male celebrity crushes I barely know what to say and I feel awkward. A couple of months ago my friends were assessing male celebrities and I was so uninterested and unable to contribute that I just ended up brooding on my gayness.

FANTASIES: When I first started doing fantasies when I was about 13 I imagined myself as a top gay man. So random. I think its because I watched loads of gay male porn, since I was scared of ever seeing girls in porn in case it turned me gay. Then I though I ought to actually imagine things the correct way with me as a more submissive actual female with a guy when I was 14-15. Got used to that. It all worked. I never really thought about doing anything active towards the guy. He would just do stuff to me and then I'd get off. There was nothing I actively wanted to touch... I barely included kissing in these fantasies. When I started fantasising about girls in maybe the summer, I realised that for once I felt engaged in the fantasy like I actually wanted to do things and like, at times I could just fantasise about kissing and that was insane enough. In my female fantasies I'm more of a top again... maybe this is what I was aiming for with those orignal fantasies back when I was 13, but I was picking the wrong gender?

Throughout my life I've had these gay dreams about kissing female friends, being groped by female friends, and a couple that got sorta sexual. I can think of about 3 I had about guys and in one of them I was a guy, whereas there are many for girls. I wonder if this is more significant that conscious fantasy.

PORN: I started watch gay male porn online when I was about 12 because I wanted to know how they had sex because of a gay storyline on a TV show I watched, EastEnders. When I turned 13 I actually started using the porn for its correct purpose, haha, and I watched a heck load from 13-17. I was afraid to ever see girls in porn because I thought I might just turn gay from it immediately haha. Lesbian porn annoys me... but when I did start watching it... it took longer to get off too but it was more intense... like I (TMI) actually squirted several times and I didn't know I could. But I don't really watch porn any more because I get too picky about lesbian porn and I feel really weird watching gay male porn now...

HOMOPHOBIA: Basically, people always used to call me gay - I always wanted to prove them wrong. I was weirdly scared of lesbians, and I was afraid thinking too hard about girls, leading on a girl like the one I dreamed about recently, seeing girls in porn etc would make me gay. I used to say openly that lesbians freaked me out... oh dear.

EXPERIENCES: The only experience I've had is two drunk kisses after that party when Y told me. I kissed a guy first - I did not even see it coming. It was such a fail. I felt like I was fighting him. I think it was just physically bad so I don't even know how to assess my response. Then I kissed this girl. We spotted each other from across the room, converged, danced close to each other and ended up making out ravenously. It was great. I wouldn't have stopped... we were trying to go upstairs... but people dragged me away. I dunno, this stark contrast was what made me start thinking I was gay not bi.

So anway, yeah. I feel like I don't see myself with guys anymore and I have so much love for girls. I need to leave now, so this ending is rushed. Were those guy crushes real? Am I gay or bi? thanks.

 

How do I delete this... this is just such an essay full of TMI brain vomit, I'm sorry. I don't know how I expect people to actually read this or care... idiot. I'm sorry.

 

Thanks, guys.

Nugget Biscuit, it's always nice to hear about how someone else relates. I think I've seen you on other threads and yeah I think we might have some similar confusions.

Invidia, "honesty is a virtue", haha I'm obviously very virtuous. Thanks for your response.

LoyalGriffindor... this is the sort of place I would've liked to have been more in when I was 13... actually reflective. I hope you work it out too. I'm always afraid to call myself lesbian because 1. I feel like some amazing guy will appear who will tap into some straighter side of me haha 2. I get paranoid about what I feel when seeing good-looking guys, like I need to double-check that I'm not sexually attracted to them. But it seems to always call to me unlike the "bi" label that I'm half using now.

haha, onlyhuman33, I love our answer and your enthusiasm. This was like a pep talk as much as it was advice haha. :eusa_clap

I am a crazy analyser. And yeah, I've become in touch with my feelings since I joined EC I guess. I wish there was a GSA at my school. My school is so friendly and lovely but it doesn't have these sorts of things... for an open day they added this LGBT noticeboard thing with websites and such on it and I was like... since when has this school actually had any initiatives for LGBT? But, yeah its still friendly. I would love to have a therapist. I am just awful at having real talk with people and it would be great to be able to employ someone to squeeze it out of me because recently with all these realisations I feel a bit suffocated by my silence. Would totally do it if I had my own money.

Jealousy... yeah I rarely feel badly towards Y, we get on well, though she was rude to me at that party... and I'd already been working out how to just be friends with her so I continued with that. Though, yeah, sometimes a little bit of my internal anger just tints my view of her... X though, I was sort of furious at for stealing my trigger crush, and at the same time I couldn't get over her hotness. But recently she reached out to me when I was feeling bad about something else, we had some actual real talk and I feel quite fondly towards her. And I have learnt to be a lovely friendly third wheel when I end up with both of them (though I do try and avoid this happening too often). But the situation still makes me pretty sad. It is a bit suffocating because I have to act both to my circle of friends and to my mother that nothing is wrong to avoid explaining. I made a thread recently in the coming out section about needing to tell my mother. I really do, because she basically knows and won't give it up. But as I've expressed here I never know what to call myself and how to justify it.

 

Thanks for answering, foxfeather. The Kinsey scale, eh. My best friend and I were having a discussion a few weeks back... I was saying I'm floating around 4 and 5 and he was saying he sees me as a 5. Tbh that's more how I feel currently. We were wondering whether perhaps I am feeling like a 5 right now but its just because I'm only just accepting the girl side and I'm focusing on it and I might stabilise at a 4. I just hope I work it out haha. Me and that friend had a falling out the day after and haven't spoken for a while so that conversation was left hanging.

In terms of the sex stuff your talking about. I'm just feeling that I want to like ravage someone. Be active. But when I think about sex with a man I just can't see that... I think men are beautiful but there's just nothing I want to touch, and I don't want to do blowjobs (obviously there will be straight girls who don't want this either but that's not how I mean it) and I'm just not excited about the idea generally. Penetration is not something that bothers me, not my fav idea though.

I'm just generally feeling uncontrollably drawn to girls and rather apathetic about having sex with guys. I don't want apathetic sex haha. But sometimes I feel like, perhaps its because I never known a nice good-looking guy I've had any sort of chance with, and that apathy could be turned up to desire if I had that like Y and X with girls. But I'm not feelin it haha. I'm feeling like I'm not gonna be sure until I feel free in university, away from home, away from Y and X, away from the girls school and with some guys, to really work it out, and that's in September, sooo not far off.

 

Thanks, littlespencie. I think my vomiting was not helped by the large amounts of alcohol I downed after the Y's big reveal... mostly as a distraction to stop myself from bursting into tears and having to explain. I would've left that party but I was actually going home with Y. Awkward. But yeah, just the fact that I had gone through this whole questioning and trying to reach acceptance thing because of Y and it sort of blew up in my face - that was a bit too much to handle.

I think I would have a great problem if I vomited every time I was with them together though - we are all together every day. Since the reveal I've had to train myself to be friendly with them together.

And I'm sure my future will be exciting! Thank you. I hope yours is too.