Sorry about the long post but I would really appreciate it if you read to the end! I am eighteen and have only ever kissed anyone of any gender while drunk. I am not the most confident and social person and have no idea how to initiate romance, nor am I attracted much to anyone at my school, so I have never been on a date or had a relationship or anything. I have also never done anything more than kissing and touching above the waist. I have been questioning for the last five years if I am bi/pan or not. My question is this: I have enjoyed kissing guys. Though, as I said, I have only ever kissed anyone when drunk and either in a club or at a party, meaning the majority of times I've kissed a guy (and I've kissed way more guys than girls) it hasn't been very good, it's just a drunken club kiss. However there was one time in a club where I was very into it and would probably have gone home with the guy had I ever had sex before (just don't want to do it for the first time with a stranger, but after that I don't really care). Apart from that there have been a few other times where I have genuinely enjoyed the kiss (though never as much as that one time), as much as you can enjoy a drunken kiss like that (I am assuming that sober kissing with feelings is much better but obviously wouldn't know). So basically for me kissing has never, except for that one time, been something amazing and wonderful. I do enjoy it while I'm doing it but I always find in clubs it goes on a bit too long and I lose interest. Over the years I have also wondered if I am demisexual and while I don't think I strictly am, I also am not easily sexually attracted to strangers, and this may be why kissing random people in clubs is a bit hit and miss for me. I realise it probably is hit and miss for everyone, but I have friends who seem to enjoy it more than I do. But I am also a bit indiscriminate with my kissing and don't have particularly high standards, which may be why I often get shit kissers/ people I don't find that attractive. Anyway, so that is how I feel about kissing guys. I have only ever kissed two girls, both have been people I know from school. I was drunk both times. I think I basically just enjoyed the thrill of it both times. It was nice to feel that I was finally getting a chance to experiment with my sexuality rather than just go round and round about it in my head. But I think because I have been questioning so long, I was kind of expecting an "aha" moment, where I would suddenly realise, yes I like this, or no I don't. I didn't have anything nearly as conclusive as that. In a lot of coming out stories I've heard that girls have finally kissed girls and got butterflies, or realised how right it felt, and I didn't get that at all. Equally, though, I didn't feel repulsed at all, and felt fine to keep on kissing them for a bit. I think perhaps I got less sick of kissing both of them than I normally do of kissing guys? But this may just be because kissing girls is a bit of a novelty for me and I want to prolong it so I can figure out if I like it or not. Also, I think the fact that I know both the girls I kiss changes things, because I had already know both of them for years before I kissed them and never been attracted to either of them prior to that, so it was a bit weird to suddenly be kissing them. Basically I just have no idea about anything. I'm pretty ok with and open to kissing either girls or guys, but I don't LOVE kissing either of them. I don't know if this is because I have never kissed anyone in a romantic context. I don't know if I just didn't have a revelation with kissing girls because I generally am not suuuper into kissing, or because I'm not attracted to girls. Any advice/insights would be much appreciated.
