Ever since I began questioning in January, I've been struggling with identifying internalized homophobia vs. extreme straightness. I used to get flustered around guys around my age. Now, after I've addressed some of my body and gender issues, I don't try to seem appealing to guys. Sometimes I'll see a guy and think "He's attractive", but their opinions only effect me on a very platonic, non-sexual way. I don't want to touch/interact with them in a sexual way, at all. It's the same way with girls, with a few exceptions. There's a girl that lives in my dorm that I've never actually spoken to - I don't even know her name or grade - that I'm very aware of when she's in the room. This feeling of awareness makes me feel all creepy-crawly inside and slightly nauseous. Whenever I see a woman that I don't know and my initial reaction is to find her cute, I feel the same icky way. In a previous thread, someone suggested to talk back to the voice in my head that tells me that I'm being bad, and that worked, for a bit. It's becoming more and more of an issue, and I almost began crying the other day when I noticed a woman walking down the street. All of the evidence sounds like internalized homophobia to me, but I'm afraid that it's not and that I'm straight and my brain is trying to remind me of this. My thoughts towards sex also confuse me. In the privacy of my room, I like to make myself feel good. But the idea of doing anything like that with another person, regardless of gender, seems boring and awkward. I've tried to have fantasies with me in them, and they just don't work right. If I am gay, shouldn't I be excited at the idea of sex with another woman? And if I am dealing with internalized homophobia, how do I deal with it? I'm in college and am still a dependent. My university offers free therapy, but their website only talks about things like anxiety, stress, depression, etc. I go to a catholic university where there are random pockets of pro- and anti-LGBTQ+ groups. I have no idea what the mental health department will think of me if I ask for help. I appreciate any advice anyone has. Thank you for reading!
This sounds so complex, I wish I could give advice Your second to last paragraph really really rings true for me if that offers any consolation.
Yes it does sound like you have some pretty distressing internalised homophobia going on there. The idea that you would like to fantasise about sex with a girl if you were gay is true, but the homophobia can also affect that - if your mind is still fighting being a lesbian, you won't yet be able to relax enough thinking about having sex with a girl to feel pleasure from it. Now how to tackle it... you really just need to feed your brain with more positive stuff to make yourself open up. Being part of the EC community helps. Something that opened me up a lot was watching pretty much every TV show I came across with a lesbian couple. Season 3 and 4 of UK skins (you don't need the first 2 seasons to understand) has a cute pretty innocent teenage lesbian love story; Orange is the New Black Alex&Piper obvs; Faking it is such a light-hearted show with a confused queer teenage girl... I think her self discovery story is rather comforting to watch and its very funny; the film Blue is the Warmest Colour is just profound and also contains some self discovery... it probably has the best depiction of actually having to deal with rather harsh both external and internal homophobia, as well as an amazing love story; L word, though its pretty insufferable at times; etc. This is a cause worth pirating stuff for. I also found watching loads of Rose and Rosie videos comforting because they're just so cute and happy together it's good positive stuff to see. Maybe Shannon and Cammie since you're American (more relatable I guess). While I'm on the subject of youtube, watching everyone's coming out video is great. And perhaps building up with the fantasies, think about simpler things that sex and try and view it positively and then move up. Visualisation is recognized generally as a great way to break down some subconscious barriers in your mind. Finally, since this is causing you a large amount of distress, it might be worth trying to get an actual lgbt specialist therapist if you can... you'll have to pay but I think it might be worth it... I can't see free therapists at a catholic university being ready to support you with such difficulties and a bad therapist can be worse than nothing at all. If it takes you a while to be able to pay a therapist... it could be a good idea to open up to one close friend who you know will take it well (...if all your friends are pretty homophobic then I don't, though). I hope this helped somewhat and that the situation gets better for you. Hopefully you'll get some more good advice from other members on the forum.
Can you email (from an anonymised account if needed), or phone one of the LGBT groups and ask if they know if the uni service helps, or the name or a particular counsellor who is sympathetic. Agree with SHACH - blitz your brain with positive LGBT stories and films, there is a thread in the main Forum here which lists various recommendations.
I binged watched Faking It yesterday. Holy cow. It's so weird to see lesbian-ism with low concentrations of sex on TV. Thank you for the recommendation! How do I find LGBT-specialized therapists or LGBT groups in my area? I've tried googling it, but all I can find is an LGBT-addiction-specialized therapist, and a semi-helpful site with information on LGBT stuff in my state. Thank you for all y'all's advice!
Do you guys really think that works? Making your myself watch TV programs, YouTube channels all that stuff? I guess I kind of get the idea but it seems a bit far fetched?
I struggle with quite a bit of internalised bi-/homophobia too (due to religious upbringing) and I've found that surrounding myself with LGBT-positive media has helped a little bit. What's more important though, in my opinion, is surrounding oneself with LGBT-positive people. I'm still struggling a lot with my sexuality and I'm still, to some degree, questioning but talking to people who support LGBT people and/or identify as non-heterosexual themselves is helping to "tear down the walls" (slowly).
I understand completely - I feel like I'm in the same boat, it feels good knowing I'm on this site and can ask questions or join in discussions.
Is this the Minnesota site you found? https://www.outfront.org/resources It has a list of social groups. There may be none in your area but I bet if you phoned one of those numbers they would probably try to help out, people will know of other groups, possibly in your local area. Alternatively a local university will have an LGBT society you could phone up, explain your situation and ask if they know of anything. People are usually happy to help out, especially when they know what you're going through. To Luke564 - immersing yourself in LGBT media is not going to be the only solution, but as part of internalised homophobia comes from a lifetime of either no, or depressing LGBT role models, characters etc, then I believe that it will help. One of the reasons people read, watch films is to experience someone else dealing with life, and dealing with issues. It opens up another world. Following a character through realisation, acceptance, coming out, may be possible, when you are not even able yet to imagine yourself in their shoes, and may eventually help you to make that leap to thinking 'this is something I could do, and it might actually be okay'. And non-'issue' books and films which happen to have positive LGBT characters help with normalisation, showing you possibilities for a happy, fulfilled future, you may never have considered, or allowed yourself to consider. I believe these also work on breaking down barriers with non-LGBT people too, producing more allies and more acceptance. There have been great strides in LGBT-rights in recent years, even comparing it to 10 and 20 years ago, and I strongly believe that positive media portrayal has had a big role to play. I grew up in quite an isolated, conservative place, where there was definitely homophobia, yet my reading choices allowed me to access a whole new world. Even this last year I have gone from supporting, (but not really comprehending) trans equality, to a much improved understanding, simply by watching a television series with a sympathetic trans heroine.
It all makes sense, I'd never really thought that a lack of positive role models was affecting me personally but then I still don't really know what is going on in my head, I can imagine that discovering someone who is going through the same thing you are, be it a fictional character or a real YouTuber or whatever would be really powerful though.
